“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” She quoted with at least a hint of judgment in her voice.

The thought that keeps going through my head is "the logic of hate is so thin, and the power of fear so prevalent" Judgment culture

i feel the best when I write

for whatever reason, I stopped writing. I don't know why. After, 10 years of being "together", almost 9 of being married. Having been parents for 6. Sitting here in a quite house with the kids at grandpa and grandmas, after a weekend to remember (or forget- you were sick) its easy to forget that at one point I was just me, a person, matt. It's easy to forget to breathe. I've taken up new hobbies, I've plugged and played other things. But when I basically have my college education in putting words on paper that's what I should do. It's been too long. I almost feel a sad reminiscence in the blank white screen and dancing cursor (like an old friend). We'll see how quick I can dust off the cobwebs. I want to be more than ships passing in the night. Want to dance like fireflies. Want to love with strange delight. Honey, I want to be with you. Want to discover all of you. Want you to see all of me. I love you. (and when it takes me too long to formulate a response, just know, I may need a pen.)

We haven't been ourselves lately.

I suppose there is part of me that wants to relapse to my charismatic past and sort of just cover it all up. The desire to put my church-face on and smile like nothing is wrong. But even doing that has been seen through. I don't know if anyone reading this has dealt with infertility before, to be fair, I don't know if there is anyone reading this.

It sucks. I believe that if fertility and birth are the celebrations of life, then I'll let you draw your own conclusions on what infertility feels like. I've been thinking alot on the balance between faith/hope and disappointment. It would seem that without faith/hope one is reserved to an apathetic sort of fatalism. Yet it seems when one has hope then they opening themselves up to alot of disappointment. I don't understand this balance.

Start Up

Three thoughts have been floating through my head lately, each disconnected, different.

The first was that I need to be writing more (read - again.) It's been basically three years since I've focused on anything relating to writing, and I think that it is in writing that my brain thinks the best. I was talking with my wife this past week and I think that my brain functions slowly enough and is visually stimulated enough that it helps to be able to put thought to paper, so to speak.

The second was in relation to my having just received as a gift, a fire pit. I cannot tell you how much this gift blessed me. Where I am, at this point in life, I felt truly un-worthy of this gift. Sitting there watching embers glow and fade in the darkness of my backyard last night I was struck by the idea that, fire is a very philosophical element. Very contemplative.

My third thought was about the "power of words." A pedantic cliche at this point, none-the-less I think there is a lot of truth in some of these simple ideas. I was thinking about the idea that the first time you say something is the hardest, then after that it gets "easier," but also gains more meaning. Hear me here, think about the first time you told someone that you love them. All the fear and vulnerability in saying it for the first time and risking rejection, but then if it is received, accepted and reciprocated then it begins to take on meaning. Now, with my wife, Kristen, some of the situations that life has thrown at us and still being able to say those words, I can tell you they mean more now than they did the first time I told her that in a local parks rose garden. Much more. Similarly, with negative thoughts. The first time we call someone stupid, or the first time we call ourselves stupid it gets that much easier to believe each time thereafter. The power of words.

I guess if you wanted to you could find a through line in these three thoughts I think it would all be the realization of words, the complete character arch of speech and action.

if you're reading this, welcome back,

matt

the harrell'd

So, we set off. It has been awhile since I have written, perhaps this can be excused by some recent and wonderful developments in my life (namely: getting married!) Kristen and I are learning how to be married. We love it. Sure, we're quick to admit that it is an adjustment to single living, but the sacrifices made are certainly eclipsed by knowing that your spouse and best friend will be there with you through all of life's circumstances. A couple month's before our wedding a friend of mine told us that the best part about being married, is that no matter what happens during the day, your husband/wife will still be there with you at the end of the day.

Recently, we've both been coming to the end of our respective jobs mentally and physically for opposite reasons (her's is exhausting, mine - numbing.) We've been talking about the idea of travel nursing for awhile now and this seemed to be the time. After much debate, we've accepted a travel nursing position just outside Fresno California, for which we'll leave Nov. 8th-ish. We're really excited, it will be an adventure. Fresno is just 2 hours from the ocean as well as from Yosemite National Park.

After our 13 week travel assignment we'll take a month and visit our Brother and Sister in-law (Chris and Erin) in Freetown, Sierra Leone, Africa. We're really excited for this opportunity and to explore what it may lead to for our future. We've both expressed interest in living overseas and working in community amongst the poor and I suppose this will be a solid "sign" in that venture of exploration.

Please join us in this time. We would love to hear from everyone of you. As Kristen and I have reflected on our relationship thus far we keep coming back to the symbol of being "on the road" or "the path." We've hiked and adventured alot together and look forward to this next uncertain and exciting time of our lives together. We are looking for direction, signs and peace at all the right times, as well as the patience to wait for the next "road marker."

Gender Roles

I think gender roles are based on tired, age-old stereotypes, and are predicated on proving one's neccesity in any given relationship (ie- I am needed to take out the trash, change the oil in the cars, cook the meals, earn the money, etc....)

A conversation -

Al Harrell says: So tell me why then does the Scriptures talk of the wonder of the individual in community. Jesus talks about transforming and empowering the individual. Seems like you lean toward the socialist.

Al Harrell says: Have you read Huxley's 1984 recently?

matthewharrell says: No, Ive started reading it three times.

matthewharrell says: Had it stolen once, lost once.

matthewharrell says: The individual in community - It's a celebration of both

matthewharrell says: Neither without the other.

matthewharrell says: Looking back on the idealistic pendulum swing it is the mid-point between your generation's ideals.

matthewharrell says: The boomers started communes, community, free love, woooo etc...

matthewharrell says: Realized the lack that was there, or perhaps that it could be exploited and that if it wasn't properly tended it couldn't sustain itself.

matthewharrell says: So the pendulum swung back, to what has been emerging in recent decades virulent individualism.

matthewharrell says: Resulting, most visibliy, in the sky-rocketing rate of divorce (and "a decline in morals")

matthewharrell says: Where's the middle ground? Whats what we need be looking for.

matthewharrell says: Where is communism that can sustain itself, and motivate individuals as opposed to squash and oppress them?

matthewharrell says: Where is capitalism that doesnt raise one above the other?

matthewharrell says: To an extent, I think that what my generation seeks is the balance between the ideological battle of your generation.

matthewharrell says: But, its almost 430 and I am going to make my exit

Al Harrell says: Peace

matthewharrell says: I'll stop playing mail-room politico

matthewharrell says: Peace

The Last One

I feel kind of odd breaking my streak of non-blogging with this lameness, but...

Right now in the break room where I work there currently sits one more Ferrero Rocher chocolate truffles. The Last one. It has been sitting there for a little bit. How do I know, cause I ate the second to last one. Effectively, the last one. The odds of the last one being taken is slim to none. The ensuing guilt and shame might be enough to push the taker over the edge.

Have you ever noticed this. The politics and bureaucracy that emerge when the second to last one is taken.

Imagine with me for a moment; You're at a party, pizza is being served and the chubby guy with the Duke baseball hat just took the second to last piece of pizza, leaving only one more piece of pizza. Effectively, the scarlet letter or pizza. In proper circles boldly taking and eating the last piece of pizza without asking would cause transference of the social stain to the eater. You know that everyone in the room wants it.

The potential stress of breaching the conversation is often enough to break up the party. The party-host would often do better simply throwing out the last piece once this point has been reached.

...The truffle is still there.

This guy kind of inspires me...and makes my 6 mile bike-commute look like cake.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2008/05/30/christian.bike.to.work.kero

Every taste is either acquired, or refined.

If I could ask any dead person one question, I would ask an actor, who had portrayed their death on stage or screen, whether or not their actual death felt like they had expected.

Perspective: David Letterman would have had a hay-day.....



So, there have been a few "running gags" over the past few years of late-night television that I have really loved. For awhile Late Night with David Letterman took to throwing things out windows and would show their slow motion replays of these things smashing on the cement below, the object that sticks out in my memory was a 25-gallon aquarium filled with guacamole.

Conan O'Brian's long running "in the year 2000" will always be a favorite, as well as his having a man dressed in black t-shirt and sweatpants (emblazoned with the word "pubes") standing in random public places saying the word "pubes" in an un-embellished tone.

David Letterman also had a gig for awhile called "Is This Anything?"

--

I visited "The MCA" (Museum of Contemporary Art) a couple days ago and I believe that Dave and Paul Shaffer would have been knee-deep in debatable "things" with this museum. I mean, I don't really know the distinction between "contemporary art" and "modern art", but I have heard modern art described as "Weird for the sake of weird." (-Moe, The Simpsons)

The most impressive part of the museum for me was a fish tank built into the archtecture of the building.

As I sat on the edge of this almond shaped pond and watched the five or six Koi fish slowly swim around in relatively erratic, yet methodical patterns. They appeared to be heavily involved in their goings on, whether it was nibbling some crumb off the pond bottom, or swimming mindlessly from end to end. I wondered whether or not they were aware of their existence. I wondered if by the time they got to one end of the 10 foot pond, they'd forgotten about the other end and were then in a hurry to get back, or check it out. I wondered if they were aware of my existence. From time to time one of them seemed to look up, but it seems impossible to tell.




I wondered if my constant dashings from end-to-end of my own "pool" were just as inane, just as meaningless. I wondered if I would be aware of anyone looking down on me. I wonder if I am aware of God, and to what extent we can be. As I walked away from the pond it seemed to become even more complicated. The pond is built into the bottom of the eye-shaped stairwell. So from every point on the stairs you could look down and see the fish. From every new height a new perspective on the same thing.



I made note to myself that much "contemporary art is heavily, if not wholly interested in the process of the creation of said piece." Many of the artist's descriptions next to each piece began with; "I feel...", or "I felt..." or "I thought..." Self-involvement? Narcissism?


The other piece that most caught my mind was one titled "The Other Vietnam Memorial."



Although, the picture is a bit blurry, this is a floor-to-ceiling, Rolodex style installation with the names of the dead from the Vietnam war. Much like its better known counterpart in our nations capital, this exhibit carried the names of the nearly 3 million who died in the conflict, from their country. White gloves were provided so one could "touch" the exhibit, like one would at the wall in D.C. The overwhelming difference here was the font size - much smaller than it's "more important" relative in Washington.

Walking up the staircase, and out the door of the museum I had to pause for a moment to rest. Sometimes your mind will do that to you. Sometimes when you can't force all of the correct answers to be in the forefront of your brain at one time you get over-whelmed. But then again didn't the writer of Ecclesiastes say something about a "chasing after the wind."

Radiohead: Weird as they wanna be. (St. Louis May, 14th 2008)

The show was Ah-mazing! Here's a very apt review http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/atoz/2008/05/show_review_radiohead_at_the_v.php

Totally worth driving down, and bussing back within 20 hours, totally worth feeling totally worthless right now at work, back in Chicago. I may, or may not write more when I am feeling more...conscious.

Radiohead: Weird enough for me.

How much different would George W. Bush's 8-year presidency have looked without 9/11?

Here are some sites that I really like and frequent on a semi-regular basis.

http://www.banksy.co.uk/ - "Bansky" is a "street artist" and by that I mean graffiti artist (see also http://obeygiant.com/ - the more famous or "in-famous" artist) One of his indoor pieces is my current desktop picture at work....I call it "terrorists for love" but I dont know the real title.

Also, Cyanide and Happiness (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1261/) It is admittedly, drier and more cynical, and would probably not be considered "for everyone." (I actually had to look for a bit before I chose one of their comics I felt appropriate to share as the first on the link.

The obvious and aforementioned Stuff White People Like

Also, stumbled across this one (http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/dying.html)a couple days ago in searching for Charles Darwin's last words - "I am not the least afraid to die." and thought the list was pretty interesting.

Irony, is the vegetarian who only eats organic - due to the toxins and pesticides - who drinks beer and smokes pot, both of which are essentially poisons.

We are but waves,
ourselves and those around us.
As we reach a pinnacle
we believe we are the first to crash on this beach.
We are the first to be swallowed again, out to sea.

Every moment, more important than the crashing wave just before.
Believed to be unique, special, how true.
But alike all the same.

We are but ebb, and flow.
Ashes, dust.
Held up by those before,
and supporting those who will come after.

Waxing and waining,
living and dying,
rivers and tides.

I think that it is wholly inappropriate to think of another human as an "enemy". By definition, as human, to place the title "enemy" is to term them, the other and the opposition - thus tagging them as irredeemable, just like we do with corporal punishment and death row inmates. To take it a step further and to actually kill this person (in the name of whatever "good") is to first, play god and second to completely deny their humanity. What is the difference between protecting my human, biological brother and feeling the need/requirement to protect a human, non-biological brother if we can assume that everyone is someone else's "brother/sister." The labeling of "human" (a thing which all living homo sapiens are deserving of)is the most validating of terms. Conversely, terming one as "enemy", the most invalidating, similar to how we treat people with handicaps. Invalid.

Who is my brother?

Irony is being told how un-nutritious cotton candy is by someone eating french-fries or potato chips.