You can't imagine the week I've had.

My heart aches, breaks and elates.

This past weekend we closed the show that I've been working on for the past month and a half. It was a great success and I am proud and it is over. Amidst the joys and frustrations of a show my head is lost in feelings.

This past weekend a very close friend's girlfriend broke up with him. He is heartbroken. I ache.

I caught news that one of the most foundational men in my life was caught in an affair with a 17 year old. I cry for him, for his family. I love him and his family.

I just heard news of two separate engagements. Two of my good friends(one here in Lincoln, one in Romania) just got engaged to be married. Both weddings set for next August. My heart leaps for joy.

This past weekend the girl I like, that I loved told me that I am everything she has ever looked for in a guy but something just isnt right. My heart breaks, again.

I have so many projects and tests and things to do that I barely have time to "deal" with any of these feelings.

At times like these I feel that I run out of emotions to give, to have. As an artist, as a person I feel the need to feel. I feel empty. Run out of any emotion. I feel no motivation. Yet still I push forward cause I am sure that there is something else out there. Something of value. Something to run for.

FORGE!!!

24 by Switchfoot is playing in the background.

"Is there no hope?" A question that I find myself asking alot. I have to believe that there is. Even if I (pause) I dont know what to write.

After 7 hours of Burn This (the play I am working on) tonight I don't have the energy anymore.

Somethings were unshakeable. I know now that nothing is safe. There has to be hope.

"Without hope consequences mean nothing." -Brenda Council

Pastor Mike, I love you. I believe in you. I would hug you if I were there.

Everything by Lifehouse is playing now.

I find "artists" illogical who wish to deny the impact and influence of the christian church on art.

prax·is ( P ) Pronunciation Key (prkss)n. pl. prax·es (prksz)
Practical application or exercise of a branch of learning.
Habitual or established practice; custom.

To borrow a quote from one of The Greats of our American past; "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."
-Forrest Gump

I agree completely and furthermore would say that Life IS a box of chocolates. And you truly never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes you get the chocolate cream, or the caramel pecan or whatever. But then there's those times where you get that chewy, pink nougat stuff. (What is that anyway, "nougat"?) Usually the time that you get these undesireables is when you get near the ends of your precious Russell Stover box, somewhere in between wanting to gobble up all of the chocolate and wanting to throw the remainders away. Thats when it happens.

How can you not see that this applies to life. Dang, that Forrest was brilliant. Heres to ya! Where ever you are, Keep on Running man!

Rant!

It frustrates me when "open-minded" liberals demand tolerance and open-mindedness, when they themselves are so judgemental of "conservatives" who they consider to be close minded. In my opinion this is something that both conservatives and liberals need to work on. A sort of meeting in the middle. How can anybody expect someone else to take seriously their philosophy if you are not first willing to think about and accept their theory. I dunno, I dont want to exonerate tolerance, but we need to be able to dialogue, to listen to understand before we can criticize.

Go out and extend someone that courtesy today. Dare to be offended, then dare to speak your mind, as you believe it. Don't mince words.

Peace,

matt

p.s. - ahhhhhhhhhh...

You know you're busy when-

Your alarm clock goes off in the morning and it feels more like a "gun-shot start" to a race than an alarm clock.

You spend less than 5 minutes eating a meal, more than twice a day. That is if you eat at all.

You leave your room at 7:30 am and dont get back till nearly 11:30pm.

You find yourself catching up on reading as you walk from class to class.

While standing in the shower for the first time in 3 days you realize that you havent showered for three days.

and others, but I am too busy to think of them right now and because you get the idea.

today is perfect weather for Norah Jones.

A 10-time Grammy Award Winner sat next to me this afternoon.

-------Later that evening.

Picture the Lied Center stage empty with the exception of 4 monitors, a chair, a bottle of water, a man and a single spotlight. ONE MAN and probably one of the best concerts I have ever been to.

Bobby Mcferrin is probably best know for the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" which he improved in a studio about 2o years ago! IMPROVED!!!

So bare, so powerful, so raw, so....personable. Earlier in the day he had been in an Intro to Theatre class that I attended just to hear him. He wore, a pair of light blue jeans, a somewhat faded dark purple t-shirt and a pair of black shoes. The same thing he was wearing before the crowd at the Lied hours later.

He sat on stage, vocalizing one of Beethoven's preludes while the crowd sang the Ave Marie. One of the most spiritual moments I have ever experienced right behind getting saved, getting baptized and walking into the Orthodox Church in Galati, Romania.

I say "vocalizing" because I dont really know how else to describe it. Sarah, said that "it was basically scatting." But it was in like 4 parts, he himself. It was as if this beautifully harmonious sound was eminating from his entire body, and not just his mouth. Amazing.

He performed The Wizard of Oz in about 5 minutes. Starting with the tornado, Complete with "Ding dong, the witch is dead" and "Wee-oww" capped off by him splashing water on himself from his water bottle and melting to the floor.

If you have a chance to hear Bobby Mcferrin, do so.

"Where is my mind?"
--(Where is my mind?, The Pixies)



"Why is Superman dead?...Doesn't anybody ever know that the world's a subway?"
--(Superman's Dead, Our Lady Peace.)


"Revolution is just a word. That loses more each time it's heard. Won't mean a thing until it hurts. Is anyone out there?"
--(This Love, Stavesacre)


"Without a revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement."
--(Lenin, not a song)


"Everyone thinks of changing humanity and no one thinks of changing himself."
--(Leo Tolstoy, also not a song)


----------
Ivan - "What do you see as the difference between "art" and "entertainment?"...
Dan - "Art is what occurs when something's whole becomes more than the total sum of its individual parts."
Matt - "Perhaps, "art" is expression while "entertainment" is manipulation."

Ivan - "...Charlie Kaufman?...The Village? I mean, M. Night?"
---------


"I don't want to die without any scars."
--(Tyler Durden, Fight Club)


I dont want to die without any scars.


"Well whatever, nevermind."
--(Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana)


-------------------------
Check out this link.
www.playbill.com/news/article/86917.html

Today is brought to you by the song: Im afraid of Americans by David Bowie and NIN.

I love how my posts are getting more and more cryptic, and by cryptic I mean short.

Props to the Bush team and their Victory(this posted before the winner was announced)

Regrets to the Electoral College, I mean all my respect but it cant be this difficult.

Iam out.

So a mutant lady bug landed in my turtles tank whose name happens to be Haiduc and my turtle hunted that stinkin lady bug and ate it like nothing else it was awesome like a live screening of animal planet or something

Redemption.

Just as I was about to sit down here and rip into how bad Team America: World Police was, I took a quick tour of a few friends online journals and happened across this...knockout of beautiful proportions. Words of wisdom from Ivan Lovegren, the first paragraph apparently from Matt Landis a local actor/artist.

------
Nothing is more encouraging than to open up one's email in the morning and find these words, courtesy of Matt Landis:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body... but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming: WOW! What a Ride!!"

The only better motto I can think of is the ever popular, "Today's a good day to die." I believe that quote is attributed to Crazy Horse. So often people misinterpret that quote as an outpouring of depression or anger. WRONG!!! It is a response to the capitalist have-all-get-more attitude of miscontent. If I am not ready to die today, how can I imagine that I am living today? If you haven't already, read "The Count of Monte Cristo."

And, as always, Project 86 will never die.
------

Now I hope I dont get sued for copyright infringement or plagiarism but for me if they manufactured "Inspiration-in-a-can" that would be its package.

How many activities can one man find to delay having to write a paper?

The numerical answer to that I do not know. But I do know that writing this is actually one of those activities, others have included today watching football, sleeping, eating amd watching Mythbusters are among the contestants vying for my errant attention.

So the past few weeks has seen for me a slew of theatrical shows and I just wanted to share some of these with you. (in chronological order of my attendance)
Kusari- A movement piece here at the University. Energetic movement without spoken word. The narrative was driven entirely by lighting, music and the actors body movement. This being my first movement piece it was intriguing at least, but ultimately I didnt enjoy the show mainly because of it lack of interconnectedness.
Metamorphoses- Expertly adapted by The Mary Zimmerman from the ancient works of Ovid. This is the telling of 10 mythical stories. The words, the script of this show are amazing. Another incredible aspect of this show making it unlike anything I've seen before is that the stage is a 10 foot by 10 foot by 2.5 foot pool of water. The depth and the feeling that this gave the the show I thought, was incredible.
Rent- The original Broadway musical staged right here on the Lied Center stage. I was stunned, I was amazed. This was my first encounter with Rent and yeah, I thought everything was wonderful, the music, the acting, the set. Wow.
Medea- Again University main stage. The staging of this ancient Greek tragedy was terrific. The set, the door, the statue, the fire pit, the scrim(for those of you who saw it) was in my opinion very impressive. The acting, all the actors were masked again a first for me, so that was new and intriguing but what the mask does is actually to inhibit the ability for the actor to convey feeling through the face, Next stop -- the body. This perfomance I would say was fairly athletically demanding and ended up wearing on me as well. I felt completely and overly exhausted after this show.
Finally, Neccesary Targets- The story of two american reporters who are assigned to post war bosnia in hopes of writing a book on what they see. 5 Bosnian women make their aquaintance and follows the confusion and inconsideration that ensues. The young and mostly inexperienced cast made this one difficult for me to swallow. I liked the script but thought that it would require a much larger scale to complete. Also, the nearly minute long scene changes were the breaking factor in moving this show along.

Thats it. Other than that, not much. Life has been crazy busy. A time of moving on. I have a few big projects and papers due this week, will hopefully be going to see my best friend in KC this coming weekend and then I start stage managing for a show called Burn This! the next weekend. Pray for me.

Have I ever told you how much it frustrates me when a professor doesnt show up for class. Yes, yes I understand that this is college and that sort of thing happens. But its not supposed to happen for an 8am class when I have two more classes that day. So I cant even go home and sleep.....grrrrr.

Anywho, life is nutty man. One day you think you have the world figured out, the next I ask myself the question of "The world?!?" I have in the past few weeks been wondering whether or not I should take some more time off of school. Which if I take another semester off it would be my 4th and I dont know that I can do that. But...I was thinking that it might just be great if I found an internship in NYC. Think about it, I could work somewhere maybe even on or behind a stage and then at night go see all the broadway shows that I could ever want...or probably more realistically as many as my wallet would allow...which if we're still thinking realistically would be like 1 maybe 2.

So I dunno. UNL is just beggining to wear on me. I am frustrated by all the "same thinking" that goes on here. It seems that most people are here to get by if anything. Not to excel and in closing it is my firm belief that you dont get ahead by not excelling! Anyone disagree?

Do you ever feel that you have just been a complete and total jerk to someone?
I do.

Ripping my heart apart for just a moments bliss.

I've told a number of my friends today that "I am going crazy." To ease some of the awkward tension that creates I quickly and nervously quote Will Ferrell's character from Zoolander "I feel like Im taking crazy pills." Heh heh. chuckle chuckle. Desired affect accomplished.

From there and with a somber look on my face I entreat them to agree that if they see me chew my shoe, please admit me to an insane asylum.

Ok, Im not really going crazy. But then again how am I supposed to know that. No one thinks that they are the one who will go crazy. Then it happens to them. Smack- out of the blue.

This week has been a rough one. A lack of sleep coupled with and caused by too many projects being due and one too many exams. I havent been feeling well. Perhaps that is because I am running on 3.5 hours of sleep at the moment and am about to go perform a monologue of a man in a Lebanese prison that has been there for 2 months and has himself begun to go insane. Does he know that he is going crazy? Does he have that consious thought or does it just happen to him.

After that I am off to the computer lab to finish a screenplay about a washed up superhero who is just looking to fit in. I dont even know my characters anymore.

Later tonight and as a bright spot on the otherwise shiny horizon, I am going to see a professional perfomance of 'Rent' at the Lied. I am excited for that. After? I dont know, perhaps I will collapse, perhaps I will...

I'd like to thank my roomate Ivan for the inspiration to post today.

SMILING, THROUGH MY WOUND.

I realize that it has been over 4 months since my last post, so in an atempt to be more transparent with my life I hope to make this worthwhile. If you have any questions, concerns or would just like to talk please email me at halfpastnormal@yahoo.com.

***

I never realized that a "search for truth" could be so tiring.

Seriously. It has been over a year now since I took a "step back," of sorts from my faith based following(Christianity) of nearly 4 years. My reason: confusion, my motivation: questions, and my purpose: to find TRUTH. The verse in the Bible that entreats us to Ask, Seek and Knock has been a sort of mission statement of mine for about the past year.

The main question asked that begged my attention late last summer was "How does a good God allow evil?" an answer that I think any person strong in their faith could answer fairly quickly. But for myself I had a problem, I couldn't say that I believed the answer that was given.

I think that one important component of just about any religion is 'faith.' This is another term on which I have stumbled for the past year. I think that for any religion to complete its true purpose must surpass mere religion and find itself in a person to be their spiritual belief. To believe takes faith.

Am I making things more complicated than they need to be?

Sometimes it all seems so elementary. At times I've had the thought to simply create a spiritual dart-board. Something at which I could toss a few darts and come up with some irrecognizable form of a religion in which I could believe. Essentially, there have been times that I have felt that it would be easier to just give up and pick the easiest choice and pretend to "believe" that it is truth(and some would suggest this to be a feasible method - "What can it hurt to try?" has been asked of me.) I guess that just seems like a short-cut.

If there is one thing of which I am certain; "Truth, being questioned and once the dust settles Truth will remain standing."

Every time I say this to myself or someone I think of Mount Rushmore. I think about how at one point it was one large amorphous rock. Then one day a guy came along with a crew of other guys and thought "Hey, it might be cool to make some faces out of this rock." The finished result is what I would compare to "the truth." Similarly, with truth you can widdle away at it, but at some point no more will chip away. For me that is when you sit back, let the dust settle and begin to inspect the Final work. So where is this elusive truth?

I've heard there's joy in the journey. Wanna find out with me?

Hey, everybody. I hope that all finds all in good health and conditions concerning life and the surrounding circumstances related to the subject of life. Good!

So hey, yeah, that which has become the standard for the begginging of these long overdue emails. I am sorry for the length of time that hath transpired between this and my last update email. I guess if there is an explanation it would be that I prefer not to "flap my yap" if it is not absolutley neccesary. But now there are a few things which need updating, so I shall proceed as such.

School; IS OVER! One full year down and with very acceptable grades to boast as well (All A's and B's for the year!) Also, I must say something here about school that at the beggining of the year I never would have thought would darken the doorway of my lips, but I do miss some of the guys from school. Call me crazy but I think that Matt is growing a soft spot in his heart. :-)

Since I have been back in town it has been a wonderful time of relaxing and trying to reconnect with as many friends as possible. I feel that thus far it has been comparable a whirlwind publicity tour and I dont feel that I have had much time to spend with many individuals. So that is something I look forward to in the next weeks and months.

This Summer: hmmm...I guess that is the question that lies on everyones collective mind. What Am I doing? Well, it looks that I will be filling the position of summer intern at the Hope Center. For those of you who are not familiar with the Hope Center, it is an outreach ministry to North Omaha. A center who, by title and objective is seeking to infuse a community with hope, a community that may not normally see that emotion but more likely that of desperation and dispair. What that means for me is that I will be assisting the already full-time staff in the activities and programs that they run for the youth of this city. I think that this will be a great growing opportunity for me as a person as I learn with these wonderful boys and girls.

Another opportunity that greets me with a certain amount of delight would be a little film that is going to be put together this summer, right here in Omaha. Some of you Omaha-ites may remember a former youth pastor from Trinity by the name of Jeff Saxton. Jeff has since moved to Minneapolis, MN to follow his calling. He is a visionary and seeks to fulfill that vision through the media arts. As I understand he has written a number of feature length scripts and has recently had a few of them optioned(picked up) by small production companies(I say small in comparison to big LA productions, but they really are big compared to what Jeff had envisioned.) So we will be shooting his film "Heart of the City" right here in Omaha, NE. This June 12-26th. For more information you can check out the website heartofthecitymovie.com. What that means for me is that I will be the boom mic operator for the shoot. What that means is that I will be standing around for numerous hours a day holding a "boom mic" above my head and down low to the ground and many other compromising positions. I am really looking forward to working on this set.

Other than that, not much. I guess I am still looking for another part time job to kind of fill in the cracks of what I need to make financially this summer, so it anyone knows of someone or somewhere where I could work I would be more than happy to entertain the possibility.

Thank you guys so much for contributing so much to my life. I cant thank you enough for that.

peace,

matt

p.s.- If the length of time between my update emails is driving you mad and you just cant stand it, then you should check out my online web journal at halfpastnormal.blogspot.com and it is there that you can fulfill your "Matt Fix" for the day or the week.

Tipping the scales

So, hey, its been awhile since I last scribbled on this page and I just wanted to catch the few of you who actually read this thing to stay up to date and also I find that writing about what has been going on helps me to process it better.

So, 3 weeks ago I started working on a show called Pterodactyls, I was the light board operator and I worked on that show till the end of its run a week later.
The next day I started working another show(Guys and Dolls) as the Mic Wrangler(Yeehaa!) and I worked on that set till its close on saturday night, a week ago(the day before Easter.)

So yeah, those two weeks were crazy busy, too little sleep and too many theatre folk, but in the end it was a fun and educational experience.

Then this past week has also been fairly busy as well. But for different reasons. I have a number of school projects due in this last leg of school and I have been scurrying to finish up with those. I have also been able to attend a few different theatrical productions this week with a very good friend :-) I went and saw the show that my roomie is in called "The White Rose." It is about 5 German students who authored a anti-nazi propoganda paper and the Reich's reaction to that. It is a powerful story.

I was also able to go see "Boys Next Door" last night and it was very enjoyable. Its a story about a mentally handicapped group apartment with 4 boys, their caretaker and their other compadres. It was very touching, I loved it!

Other than that, and a little bit out of order, I was able to be home with the family for Easter and that was lots of fun. I love being home with the fam, it makes me smile everytime.

Well thats about it, I will try to keep updated as new things arise, but as you can see my life is fairly uneventful and I put things off, so it will probably be another month or so till I post again. Feel free to dial me up on the telly.

peace,

matt

p.s.- OH YEAH! in regards to the title, I weighed myself today and clocked myself at 199.5pounds. This struck me with two realizations. The first was "wow, I probably haven't been this side of 200 since my freshman year of high-school." The other thought was "Man I really shouldnt be this light, not saying I am a stick(and I am definatly not sick either-Mom, I am taking good care of myself!- I just thought that was kind of cool and its also kind of cool cause my target weight is 205 and now I have about 5 pounds that I can splurge on. BRING ON THE BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!

The sun is shining and the hamster is spinning in his wheel.

So everybody, here art we. Where you are I do not know, but one thing that I can tell you is that I am here and most likely if you are reading this then you are inevitably...there.

Hmmm...as I see the words of what I am about to say forming in my head, I think that it might be helpful to you the reader to know that education is a very important thing in my list of ideals. There is a perceptable moment in time when that came about, and that thought will most likely materialize in the form of a blog in the next few days. But the initiation of my thought today stems from chemistry class(which coupled with my recent post on biology gives the sciences an unfair advantage as far as prefered subjects by myself. I am not a real big science guy, but lets run with it.) Now chemistry will almost assuredly be paired with a bit of art theory as is to be expected from a Film Major.

So, if you reference the title of this whole mess you, I must say that I now completely agree with and more importantly understand the whole theory that says particles and atoms and electrons and what-not move at a more rapid(I think Mr. Rea my high school Chem teacher used the word "excited")rate when heated up, this same theory applies to the frequency of philosophical thought. Let me explain. I have noticed in the past few years that first of all, I think alot. Now from there I have noticed that my thought patterns are not neccesarily(ok, for reality sake, are almost never) linear in pattern. This confused me for the longest time up until this past month and a half or so when we have had this most unpredictable weather. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt in 70 degrees and sunny one day and the next morning there being snow on the ground(no exageration.) I have recognized the pattern. I think better when my brain is warm.

The world makes more and more sense everyday!

So now on with the my next thought(actually the main motivation for this post) or epiphany rather under the context of my already warmed up intellectual muscles. So it has been just over 4 months since I saw "Mona Lisa Smile" with a great friend of mine Stephanie Axne. (As most of you may already know this is "The Great Julia Roberts" most recent release, but I personally dont find the lady to be that fantastic, meh perhaps I am just critical.) The thing however that intrigued me more than anything in this film were the scenes inside the art history class that was taught by Robert's character. She started by showing numerous slides of famous paintings and as the flustered teacher soon found out all of the girls in her class at this all girls school "knew" or perhaps better "knew of" all of these paintings. But did they actually know them?

After regaining her composure she puts up a slide of a representational abstract rendering of a sacrificed bull(the name of which and the artist's name escape me, even after some research.) But the painting is very carnal, gory. As most of us would say very abstract, representational only in a similar way to how Pablo Picasso bent the term. She then asked them whether or not it was art. After a brief pause, some confusion and a very lacksidasical answer she asks "What is art?" A few more answers all of which were fairly intriguing but they all seemed to be looking at a smaller portion of the much bigger whole. Eventually Teacher Katherine Watson seems to put their doubts to rest with the answer that she has found to be correct, "Art is anything that you call art."

I must say that I was very impressed with this idea, at first. It had actually been right about this time in my life that I had emailed a good number of my more "artsy" friends and asked them for their individual definitions of art(finding that no one answer was the same or even very similar.) So my viewing of this film could not have come at a more peculiar, perhaps coincidental time.

As I thought about that more and more it lost more and more credibility on me, because I dont feel that everything is art. For example, a few years ago there was a very controversial piece of "art" displayed in the Metropolitan Meuseum of Art in New York, this particular piece depicted The Christ figure surrounded by clumps of fecal matter of various sizes. Now in my mind, how can this be art(and not just because of its controversy. I am very open to new forms of art, but I do feel that there is a line somewhere.)

One conversation in particular gave me a great deal more confidence in this idea that art is not anything that you call art. I opened the idea expressed in the movie to a couple of my friends and one girls answer in particular struck my attention
(I girl whom I respect and appreciate dearly.) She agreed and expounded further, "It may just not be art that you appreciate or it may not even be good art." Hmmm....I thought in my head, without saying another word. "What then is the purpose of art if it is not held to the standard of needing to be good?"

Sure, in defense of her idea I do agree that art means different things to different people and as such I may not be able to appreciate a work that has impacted someone else immensly. Take for example the recent film "Thirteen" a coming of age film about a thirteen year old girl in Southern California that is going through the struggles of growing up too early and that statement doesnt do the thought justice. We're talking about shocking things that teens are going through these days, things such as voracious dieting, alcohol, sex and drugs at a young age(a shocking age like thirteen.) I must say the film was stunning, almost offensive in its content. But for me, I was more or less unable to relate because I have never been a teenage girl, or a brother to a teenage girl or a parent to a teenage girl or even a boyfriend to a teenage girl. So with that point suceeded there is some art that connects with a certain group with a shared characteristic. BUT! and in conclusion I do not think that it is fair to say that anything you call art is art because you say so, just because it may not be good art. And my reason for not thinking that is because I do not see a purpose with "bad" art.

There you go, it is now 1:59pm, it has been an hour and a half since I ate lunch and I can now go work out, safely.

peace,

matt

Sitting in my parents basement at 2am listening to Rage Against the Machine.

I guess if I were to give you one singular word that best described me as a person at this general time in my life, that word would have to be Confused.

This week has afforded me a most spledid Spring Break. It has been most very relaxing I have been able to spend time with some of my closest friends and I have had opportunity to relax which at times seems to be something that we college folk either forget how to do or dont have time to do. I was actually able to do some recreational reading this week, as opposed to academic reading, which I have not been able to do since Christmas Break.

Sometimes I find myself to be jealous of the monarch butterfly.

(Now to be honest, I wish that I could just leave that statement in all of its blatant ambiguity and crypticness, but alas I will once again oblige and explain myself to you as best I can.)

Now if we all close our eyes and think back to a dark time in our past called elementary school and seeing that dark spot delve even deeper to a darker more hideous recollection elementary science class(oooohhhh...it makes me shudder.) Now if you recall learning anything about monarch butterflies you most likely remember that they have a life cycle. That life cycle starts out as an egg on the under side of a plant leaf and progresses through the stages from the larvae(catepillar), to the pupa(chrysalis), to the adult butterfly that we all know and love.

Now after that most brief review I can see the words forming in your mind..."Why would one envy the life cycle of a monarch butterfly?" and well, I'll tell you. You see, I find myself in a stage of life which I will probably remain in until I die(or am very very old) where I find myself in a constant state of change(to borrow the biology term metamorphoses.) Almost 3 years I graduated high school and in the time since I have been to Romania twice for a period of 4 and a half months. I have sustained an overtime work schedule working for a number of months at about 70 hours a week, I have attended college now for 3 non-consecutive semesters and in between there somewhere I moved out of my parents house and lived on my own for most of a year. None of that said to toot my own horn, all of that said to express in words how my world has changed through this progression of uncertain soil (and these physical or location changes dont bring into account some of the philosophical or ideological changes that have gone with that territory which often better exemplify the change better than the apparent location change.)

With that, the envy that I have of the butterfly is that there is a set end for a butterflies maturation, a place where the butterfly will not develop any further. Unfortunatley we don't have a model for what the endpoint of our development will be as people. Rather we have an idea as to what a man should be as he grows up but really I dont think that there will ever be a place where I can say; "Oh this is where I stop." So I say that knowing this, I'am still in a place of learning, of development I always will be and I'am growing but sometimes not at the rate that people would like me to be and I'am sorry for that. Please have patience with me.

Now, the reason that I do not envy the butterfly life cycle, their average life span is only 10 months.



For your viewing pleasure (and to accredit the momentary research that I did on the monarch butterfly I have added this link to a wonderful diagram of the monarch butterflies life cycle. ENJOY.

Dropping the label

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet."

--From Romeo and Juliet

What is in a name? Our culture has gotten so caught up in labels and quick categorizations that it has blotted out any breath of individuality. Our "progressive" culture has grown a Rolodex mindset, and as such we want answers here and now, answers that we can cordon off for later use should the situation so fit our convenience. We have litterally become walking post-it note pads, able to spout off volumes of near-useless knowledge at a moments notice. For more on this thought please read the Metaphilm.com review on Memento.

This worries me for the thought of becoming momentary. Walking along with a friend they were able to list of the sterotype of some different people they had never met; "Artist. Pot-head. Jock. Sorority chick. This worries me for the sake of people feeling judged, for the label to stick. Some part of me wishes that we could entirely remove adjectives from our repertoire.

A label is a convenience and one that has been taken none to seriously.

So what if I drop a label that has been tied to me for so long? Does it make me any less of the person that I was before?

So hey everybody! In case none of you recalls this email address it is your friendly neighborhood Matt Harrell. The reason for my writing is that I realized I haven't sent out an update email to the bulk of you in some time now and I just want to make sure that you all know that precise details of what goes in my life. So please double check to make sure that your tray table and seatback are in their upright position. Please note that the "no-smoking" sign is illuminated, so that means that regardless of how worn out you get along the ride, there is no smoking allowed, so hold on!

So the past few months of my life have been most exciting. Of recent event, I was in Omaha for Christmas. That was a lot of fun, a great time of re-engaging with friends and family and more than that it was a great time to relax. As far as grades and stuff first semester were really good, all A's and B's.

Since then classes have been going well, busy and quite a bit of work but good. I am taking Geology 101, Contemporary Math, English Composition, Theatre Tech and Principles of Design for Theatre and Film. But for some reason I do feel that I have either told all or at least most of you that already.

From there we continue on to a few weeks ago when I am proud to say I have succesfully turned 21! Which you all know what that means?!?!?!? It means, more less that Im 21. There hasn't been much difference except for the fact that in the event that I wanted to I could purchase the occasional refreshing beverage.

So yeah, other than that, not alot, I have been working a number of hours in our theatres scene shop as a requirement for our Theatre Tech class. That included about 20 hours at a light hang this past weekend that was a number of hours in just a short period of time.

So yeah, thats about it, I do realize that my email updates are a bit scatterbrain and unpredictable, but I would encourage you all to check out my website, which I update more frequently. Not always with strict reflections on my days and activities, but also with just random thoughts and ideas, so yeah. Check it out.

halfpastnormal.blogspot.com

peace,

matt

"21"

So I had this thought a day or so ago or rather, this question(as my thoughts often are.) What is meant by the phrase; "For mature audiences only" or "Adult beverage" or "Adult entertainment" for that matter?

Would these terms seem to imply that there is a point in a persons life at which the state deems them adequate enough, at least in years to partake of aforementioned activities? Sure, I can understand that there is an age of responsibility to which we should hope that the partakee in such events is able to do so in moderation. But still I just find it odd that this would also imply that at this point of maturation it would seem that these activities are not only acceptable, but perhaps even viewed as positive or beneficial in some light. Now, you may and or may not agree with me(alas, it is a free country and I cannot, unfortunatley expect, let alone demand 100% approval of my thoughts) but some if not all of these activities are harmful or at least potentially harmful. Where's the logic in that? I just don't see it.

Ok, now for the sake of saving face, not that it neccesarily need be saved, I cannot say that I have been a perfect choir boy when it comes to participation in all of these areas(I turned 21 a week ago and yes, I have had two beers since then, woopty-freaking-doo!) I guess in the end I just find it funny that for some strange reason there has been an age limit established for these various activities and when they are to be allowed or disallowed.

Observations:

Having the day off of school because of snow is great.

Having no homework to do on my day off is even better.

At what age did relationships become political. All relationships?

A Time to Kill is a great movie.

Brad Pitt gives a great performance in Se7en, also in Fight Club.

Friends are fantastic, possibly even the best thing on earth.

The "L" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for freaking great.

My "Principles of design for theatre and film" class reminds me of Kindergarten. Its great.

Understanding "art" would be a huge help, or would it?

How did Peter Jackson win Best Director Golden Globe over Eastwood?

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness." -The Architect, Matrix Reloaded

Girls are confusing, on a gradation of confusion, more confusing than boys.

Girls are cute however, on a scale of cute, cuter than boys.

"If there weren't purple Skittles, indigo would just be getting the shaft." -My Roomate

Sean Penn deserved his Golden Globe for best actor.

How the heck did LOTR: ROTK win picture over Mystic River?

Charlize Theron is beautiful.

Someday I wanna make movies.

There are no "Show Me's" restaurants in Nebraska.

and thats about all I got.

Oh yeah and the space between the words Sean and Penn stands for Freaking Awesome.

People who think they got it all together are just confused.

The movie 12 Monkeys for $7, its less that a dollar a monkey.

War is such a messed up institution.

Are grocery carts with squeaky wheels manufactured with squeaky wheels?

Recalcitrant is a word.

Pedantic is a great word.

People who are given the opportunity to be crazy will act crazy.

This post has been brought to you by the letter "L".

We Live,

We live in a world of towers that sway,
and these monoliths are mere mortals.

We live in a world of plastic,
of toys and molded plastic cars,

We live in a world where what is is,
and what will be...

Days of Semester Break: 23
Christmas parties attended: 3
New Year's parties attended w/o drinking: 1
New Year's parties attended: 1
Pounds gained on break: 3
Times during break I worked out before tonight: 0
How sore Im gonna be tommorow: very


So yeah, break is over, first semester grades are in(I got all A's and B's!) and second semester classes rear their menacing head as classes start this morning. The end of a dream, dead in the wake of the end of break. But lets not dwell on the bad. Lets look forward to a semester perhaps of new growth, the spring semester, a period in which many species inherit new life, a chance to breathe again. And we could all use a chance at a new start.

Break was fantastic. I hung out with unquestionably some of my favorite people in the world. Truly, I would have to say that among the holiday hustle and bustle aimed at distracting us from what is really important during the holiday season that it is vital to remember what is truly important; people. Really, being with people I must say, is one of the most incredible times in the world. It is so very incredible to me that we have the ability to form relationships. So to those that I love, I say thank you for the honor of being able to hang out; My Family(Mom & Dad, Chris and Nate) Jeremy, Mike, Stephanie(both of them!) Rachel, Kelly, Lindsay, David, Ivan, Jason(thanks so much for the pics), Brent, My grandparents and relatives, Erin, Julie, Ben, Sonja. As I think back over this past break, I really am reminded of how great life is and how blessed I'am to be in the presence of such great people. (I will stop there and hope that I have not alienated any of you with my overt sentimentality. Just please know that I really am sincere in it all.)

Yeah, speaking of hanging out with my grandparents I am happy to say that one of the highlights of my break was caught up in the apparent insanity of my brother Chris. Approached one day in church by my brother, proposition was made in the detail of attending the Alamo Bowl in San Antonio, Texas. After very little initial thought and later laborious pondering I eventually caved. 14 hours and very little sleep later, we arrived at my grandparents house in San Antonio. A great evening of conversation, catching up with grandparents(I havent seen them in nearly 6 years!) and a day of hanging out on the RiverWalk amongst the other visiting revelers and I found myself seated(standing rather) in the Alamo Dome. Where two gridiron rivals peddled there various wares but in the end, it was Nebraska who walked away victorious. As an aside, I must say that this game came in stark, and most welcome relief to the KSU game that I attended in Nov.(see my post dated Nov. 15th). But yeah, hopping back into our car and out 14 hours later we found ourselves back in Omaha.

Other highlights of the time at home included the attendance at and the viewing of a wide array of assorted movies. A list of which I will supply you with, should you make further petition. The highlights of which I shall share with you here. I must say that of the season a film by the title of In America was my favorite. It is the story of an Irish-immigrant family to the U.S., with two daughters they move into a rundown apartment in Manhattan and the film is a narrative of their trials and triumphs. Starring Paddy Considine Samantha, Morton(Minority Report) and a fiery Djimon Hounsou(Amistad, Gladiator) as an artisitcally-inspired, reclusive building tenent, with a complicated disease. The film is amazing in its detail as presented by Jim Sheridan(In the Name of the Father) but it is still lighthearted and uplifting enough to avoid the tragedy billing. In my opinion, very good and enchanting.

Well, that sums up some of my Holiday experiences, however I will walk away with more memories from this break than would be logical to write down in this medium for fear of boring you. So it is here that I will end my tale. Thank you all.

YEAR IN REVIEW!!!

So yeah, this is the time of year that we are supposed to reflect on the events of the past year and also ponder the possibilities of the one to come. Right? So with no further ado, I present to you "As the years go by; a reflection."

As 2002 came to a close and the pages of 2003 were still damp with the possibilities of the new year, those who were watching observed as Matt finally moved from under the vigilant wing of his parents house. The infamous East-Wing became my newest haunt and the location which I would call home for the next 8 months. At the time I had just finished my first semester at college and one would presume that the undertaking of the next would be an order, but "...fate it seems is not without a sense of Irony."(Agent Smith, The Matrix -I think) I decided at the time that in order to truly get the degree that I wanted (in Film Production) I would at least need to go to Lincoln, UNO would have only supplied me with a Communications major(which would do wonders in getting me a job as a news anchor, and we all know how much I envy that job.) So I proceeded to get a job, and after a few months a different job, and a different job and a different job. So in retrospect, the first 8 months of 2003 saw Matt working at China Buffet, Chili's, The Olive Garden and finally PayPal, all of which pissed me off in their own sort of unique ways. I was also working at the Word Made Flesh office part time, which was a great experience, (fleshies rock!)

Then came August, a flourish of packing, a number of complicated forms and a 45-minute drive and I found myself moving from Omaha, to the Great city of Lincoln! "There is no place like Nebraska!" and that is where I have been for the waning 4 months of the year. Dorm life and classes and cafeteria and attention-starved theatre-majors came rushing in from all sides. It has been a fun semester and a semester of change. As a Chrysalis takes shape inside the cocoon, I to have seen alot of change this past year. From moving out to going to school, changing majors to changing philosophical stances.

A year that I wouldnt trade back for just about anything. I think that it is safe to see that this past year has seen more development in my life than any of those in the past. From chasing Bats in the East-Wing, to agonizing over exams in Lincoln, to pouring my cerebrum through any number of the philosophy books or papers that I have read(and I still came out alive in the end) is all proof that it is possible for the brain to process too much information. However, as we depart from the out-dated 2003, I feel that a dent has been made if not a conquest. The development of a person takes place on a micro-level and this year will certainly take its place in that course of development.

And as is with all of these "review" letters, one is supposed to make a quick glance to the next year, and me being one to shy from bumping societal norms and conventions will oblige. This next year is probable to see two more semesters of college, with more good times to be had by the gentlemen of Selleck 6300. This next year may see me working on or being in a few different films(if the fates would will it :-) ) and also hopefully a few different theatrical productions at school. Other than that it is tough to say, I try to plan out my life, that way it has a greater propensity to be spontaneous.

Well thats about it, I hope I provided enough detail to be informed yet been cryptic enough that you guys will still talk to me. I love you all and lets have a world changing 2004!

peace,

matt

"I still haven't found what Im looking for."
-U2

The bleary-eyed bleakness of the store rang in my brain. As my head oscillated from shelf to shelf and the squeaky wheels of my shopping cart swiveled from aisle to aisle, the empty display cases gave evidence of the voracious greed that had enveloped the shoppers who had gone before me. The barren shelves reminded me of my own procrastination.

Sure, it was only two days before Christmas when I walked through the automatic sliding glass doors of the Wal-Mart at 180th and West Center, at this point I hadn't even given a thought as to what to by everyone for Christmas.

The first thing that rang in my brain was the slightly older, slightly "oversized" gentleman maneuvering the majorly oversized push-mop through the canyons and entryways of the store. The next thing that seemed out of place about this trip was that the typical "greeter" seemed pre-occupied. The person who was always so friendly, the person with the smiley face stickers seemed to have multiple responsibilities at this time of day. Something was wrong.

You see, as a college student I am ok with saying that I frequent the local area Wal-Mart and as a college-student I would consider myself pretty familiar with the typical Wal-Mart landscape and it would seem that on the evening of this particular visit, something had gone majorly askew. However, throwing caution and confusion to the wind I began to proceed with my shopping. I was tired and as any man would, I just wanted to get done with shopping and go home.

Another thing that was noticed about this visit was the definate lack of people. It was this fact that brought the protagonist of this story a little bit of satisfaction. It was this portion of the story that he had counted on. It was just after midnight when I arrived.

I had gone to a few different stores in the days leading up to this night with the intentions of getting all of my shopping done. However as the slightly shy person that I am, I don't like being around that many people at one time, especially if they are in front of me in line to check out. So in my logical but slightly irrational mind, I devised a plan to attack my shopping at a point where I figured there would be the least amount of people. Thank goodness for 24 hour Wal-Marts!

As I meandered the lifeless aisles seemingly nothing stuck out at me with the tag, sticker or advertisment that said "HELLO MATT, I WOULD MAKE A WONDERFUL GIFT FOR YOUR FAMILY MEMBER!" And as the minutes wore on slowly, the shopping slowly wore on me. I picked up a pair of work out pants for myself and exasperated grabbed a movie for my brother, paid and left the store.

It had been nearly an hour. Frustrated and tired I drove home. With only one gift down, I decided that shopping really does suck and would prefer to never do it again.

The moral of the story however is that the least crowded time to shop, especially at Wal-Mart is between the hours of 1 and 4 in the morning.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!!!!!

I will not have my dreams hampered by reason or logic. Reality perhaps, but I will not suceed that idea before it happens.

"Shoot for the stars"

"The frustrating thing about finals is that they are so.....final."

So here I am, I actually have 2 of my 3 finals done and I have a day off in between todays final in philosophy and my thursday final in my political sciences class, so that is nice. A proverbial cooling of period for my oft-overworked brain. I find myself here, engaging in about as many mind numbing activities as possible, which often goes so far as simply hanging out with some of my friends here on the hall. Not to say that they are all immature, but I want to remind some of them that "THIS IS COLLEGE!" Junior-hi was over more than four years ago, lets grow up. I hope that doesn't come across as pompous on my part, I won't begin to claim that I'am more mature by any point. But when at dinner, humor is the main portion of conversation. I want to ask, are we capable of having a formidable conversation? Maybe I just need some new friends. But I digress. All that to say, I realized today that I am looking forward to being in Omaha, where the logical conversation doesnt grow on trees or even come a' tricklin down the rocks. But at least I dont have to stage a desparate search for logical thought.

Now, where was I? Flappin' my yap about finals, eh? The frustrating part about finals is for the past two nights I have spent probably 8 hours stuffing my cranial region with information that I will wake the next morning to pour out all over the pages of my latest exam. I watch alot of movies, and in watching some older war movies you may notice that when loading and firing a cannon the infantry man loads the ball, then the powder, then they have to pack the powder down with this big-large Q-tip type thing. Ok, now picture my brain as the cannon, and especially for the point of my very dis-jointed story, lets skip to the packing of the powder and picture in your mind that technique of studying(or cramming, as we like to call it here in college.) A few hours of this, a couple hours of sleep, wake up, regurgitate the well digested knowledge onto paper, walk out of the classroom and proceed to never need that information ever again, ever. How pointless is that? Is that really learning? I mean, sure I would love to be able to say that I am actually interested in all of my classes, but to be honest, as any college kid will attest to "Im not interested in all of my classes."

This has been another of "matt's vent sessions" thanks for tuning in and listening.

The "A donde?" of where Iam.

So then yeah guys it is the weekend after dead week and it has been quite some time since I have written.

Just to let you know I plan on using the words propensity, pedantic, menial and docket in this post, so should you need to look those up, I will be taking a brief intermission here to allow you to do so.

(House lights up)

-----

(House lights flicker then go out)

Ok, now where was I? Ah yes, something about "dead week." Now if one were to take a look at the individual words used to express this thought, one is likely to come to the conclusion that it is a week with the characteristics or qualities of being dead. Now personally from the word "dead" I would infer that it would peaceful, relaxing and above all, a time of reflection, right? Hmmm....wrong. ITS BEEN CRAZY!!! Studying and reading and reviewing, seriously folks, I WANT MY MONEY BACK, talk about false advertisement. Boy they should be thankful that I dont have money for a lawyer! To be honest, I think that is why college costs so much, simply so that students can't sue the university over menial items such as this.

Anywho, now that I either have your attention or have lost it forever, we have that out of the way. Now on to my life as it is now. I sit, we all sit teetering on the edge. The edge that I now find myself perched on and peering over is Finals Week. WHEEEE. Well it has been a year since I took my last college final and I find myself kind of at a loss as far as what to expect. I have 3 finals in 3 pedantic "gen-ed" classes only one of them comprensive. Why you care about those details I dont know, but I felt that you should. Anwyho, so that is on the docket for this coming week. So that should be fun.

Other than that, this morning I performed a ten-minute scene for the theatre department, that was alot of fun and kind of a nice refresher course as I lower myself slowly back into the waiting pool that is stage theatre. I plan on auditioning for a couple shows this next semester, so I will keep you all informed on progress of that kind.

Being the Film Nerd that Iam, I have a propensity to watch lots movies and the past and recent weeks have been no exception. Allow me to pass on the commendable and the other of the films that I have watched. I watched James Cameron's The Abyss last night and was amazed, ok, let me expound on that a bit, I cried. I would recomend this movie to anyone. Also a few weeks ago, I watched William Friedkin's The French Connection, a phenomenal look back on what the cat-and-mouse thriller is supposed to look like, with great performances by a young Gene Hackman and Roy Scheider, also of Jaws(another great film by the way.) As far as comedy goes let me throw this out as we sit amidst the Christmas season, Elf with Will Farrell was(in my opinion) hilarious. Not to say that it was a cinematically spectacular film, simply to see it was very entertaining. I also watched Christopher Nolan's Memento this last week and I must say that it is one of my favorite films. So there you go, as I look back on it, I dont think you guys have the stamina to keep up for the number of "non-commendable" movies that I have watched, so maybe we will save that for next time.

Hmm...other than that I dont know. Just hanging out here at college and pretending that I know what I am doing. I am looking forward to being done with finals this next week and should be back in O-town this coming weekend some time. So if you find yourself in that area over break and would like to kick it around town, give me a holler and we can do so.

peace,

matt

"Just because you feel it, doesnt mean its there."
-There, There by Radiohead

Wow! Sometimes all that it takes to get us going is a kick in the butt and tonight I have recieved two. I can honestly say that I just read two of the most inspirational and hope filled writings that I have read in quite some time. Thank you Miss Axne and you Mr. Styles.

I guess, following in the vain of things a couple of quotes come to my mind.

"Everyone thinks of changing society, no one thinks of changhing themselves."
-Leo Tolstoy
"Without a revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement."
-Lenin
and the word Praxis
-Websters collegiate dictionary.

I could stop there and have said all that might need to be said. But frustration pervades and my greed gives way to passion and I vent.

Steph talked in her blog about (as I interpret it) getting up off your butt and getting things done. This has been something of a frustration to myself for many years now. This epidemic of people not taking responsibility and making something of themself has produced a multi-million dollar psychiatrist industry and has made "dr." Laura lots and lots of money. People are sooooo concerned with knowing what the "right" thing to do before they do it that they inherently forget to go do anything. -you can visit her blog at ifiwerequeen.blogspot.com

Jeremy talked in his blog about how we as a "fast food" generation have become proficient at all, but masters of none. We have all this information fed to us and we have no idea what any of it means. We are continually reliant on others to start something.
-you can visit his blog at discipleforlife.blogspot.com

I guess all of that brings me to the word praxis, a lovely word that, as I have found out, very few people understand or know the meaning of. Defined as; "Practice, as distiguished from theory, of an art, science, etc." Praxis, in my mind is doing, now you may ask, how can one do without first thinking. But this is the thing, it should be a symbiotic circle. Many of us get so caught up with acting before we think or getting stuck in a rut of thinking and pondering and theorizing, that we forget to act, completely and totally negating any perpose to the thought at all. Praxis then in my mind has to become the two feet of logical action. Thought...Action...Thought..Action..Thought.Action.ThoughtActionThoughtAction.

We are all sitting around waiting for this world to become this magically better place and I would ask you this. What are we doing about it? Now I do not remove myself from this criticism because God knows that I am probably just as guilty as the worst of us in this area. But if we hedge ourselves in the mire of blame then we still have accomplished nothing. Let us stop waiting for change and merely change ourselves in order to change the world.

"From nothing, nothing comes."
-Stavesacre

Kapeesh?

p.s.- snow sucks

I make no further attempt at trying to explain the nuances of my personality.

I must say, more power to little people!

Seriously, the childrens rock. Today as I was walking across college campus, a place where you typically expect to see more average size people say between 5' and 6'10"(is this tallest I have seen thus far, but this guy is Gargantuanical, a national championship/olympic shot putter.)

But today I was on my way to Philosophy and Current Issues class, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a gaggle 2-3 foot persons! It was awesome. About 20 or 30 of them all holding on to the rope that was held between them. All of them eyes wide as their small feet struggled to keep up with their roaming eyes. I guess they were on some sort of field trip from the local pre-school visiting "Big school" they were being lead around by 3 ladies that barely seemed to know what they were talking about, but who can hold it against them. Some of them had their fingers out stretched as they tried to put words behind the synapsis coursing though their developing minds.

Yeah, a few years from now they will be all grown up and at college themselves probably making the same observations about some kids touring college. But for today it was my turn to enjoy the contrast.

I wanted to warn them all, STAY IN PRESCHOOL. Dont grow up and become wise to the ways of the world. Stay in a place where you can play with blocks and cars.

They said to "play nieve."
"Just pretend like you dont know anything and you'll be fine" They advised.
"Just act dumb and eventually, they will leave you alone."

Well, let me tell you this. The longer you keep that one up. The dumber you begin to feel. Couple this feeling with the fact that I'am at college, the intellectual hub or learning ground of the city. A place where we are supposed to be learning. College, isn't that a step above stupid and a step below living on our own? Ever feel like you are back in kind-e-garten?

Can't we grow up?

If you need an apology, Jeremy Styles most recent blog posted on Wednesday, Nov. 19th, I think should suffice. You can find it at discipleforlife.blogspot.com
He's a great guy.

I have no intention to "...offend with improprieties or obscenities..." Simply seeking for this place to be a better one. Cant we grow up and tell each other like it really is, without succumbing to the wiles and temptations of childhood games like "cooties" and gossip?
(quotes from, The Birth of a Nation.)

In closing, I would like to thank you for taking part in this, yet another one of "Matt''s Rants." More to come, please stay tuned.

p.s.- Wow, in retrospect, I have one more question. Could one be anymore vague in his describing his thoughts on a very specific subject? "....I hope that the answer will make you smile." -to quote my roomate.

KSU@NU

I was a occupant of the 4th largers city in Nebraska today, as a matter of fact, simultaneously I was in the second largest city as well. Crazy. Newton get out your protractior and try to assign a formula to that!

There are alot of things one would expect or at least hope for in their Maiden voyage to Memorial Stadium, and winning is one of them.

So, here's the scoop, noon on a Saturday afternoon, Saturday November 15th, 2003. This cute girl that I know and is a friend of mine instant messeges me. She apparently has decided to go into Omaha for the day in order to pay the family a visit, unfortunatley these actions would leave one Husker Student ticket lonely and in her draw waiting to be thrown away. A devistation, so the offer is put forth, rather the plea put out of whether or not I would like to procure one Husker Football ticket and add my number to the ranks of the 78,000+ on hand today at Memorial Stadium. WOULD I!?! WOULD I?!! (No this is not some cheesy joke about some guy with wooden eyeballs.) So, said ticket is dropped off by about 1 o'clock and I am on my way by almost 1:30. OH BOY!!!

Now, every single Joe Schmoe will blab on and on about "the experience" and I guess I must say, it is something that should be enjoyed on a personal basis. There's alot of people in one stadium in Northern Lincoln on gameday. Lots of people, a veritable throbbing mass, a pulsing collective all bent on Husker Domination, well I guess most in the stadium are. Really and truly, the raw power that can be felt, during the minutes before kickoff as the team takes the field, perhaps even heightened today because it was the seniors last home game. But the Nebraska Fight Song pumps out of the band and the loudspeakers, 78, 000 are on their feet, the anticipation, the noise, the excitement. The blackshirts, the offense the emotion is already thick enough to take flight.

Now, I would actually like to just make out some points that most others may not have observed from an experience of this magnitude. First of all, they say that if you are ever in a swarming mob, just pick up your feet and you will be carried along. Well, there just weren't enough other feet there to carry my feet. To be honest I was dissapointed, and I must have looked like a fool trying to pick up my feet and having nothing happen.

Second, to me it is most amazing how efficient the restrooms can be during half time. There is a line probably 30 feet long outside of the restroom, but amazingly enough that line is continually moving, a steady stream in-going and out-going allike, absolutley amazing. Gotta love the trough.

Thirdly, props to the hot-dog slinger guy. He's great! Although I wasn't a personal recipient of any of his fair today. Many others were and heck, who isnt awed by the sheer power of a contraption that can shoot a frankfurter about 30 yards. WOW! I think they call him "Da Vienter Schlinger" almost like its supposed to be German or something. How inane.

Fourth thing of worth that I noted from the game as well is that these are not just "fans" filling the seats of the stadium. Rather, today I entered an arena of nearly 78,000 people that completely felt like they knew and understood "the game" better than the professionals on the field. Ok, Im not only talking about the coaches. But the guys and gals of the seats near mine apparently, truly believe that they know football better than the coaches, players, referees and any other sort of person that spends 5 days a week practicing. There are some gosh darn smart people in these stands.

The noise, sure its powerful almost deafeningly so at times. But I must say that to me even more impressive than that was the silence. Today Husker Nation paid its regards to the seven men and women from Nebraska who have given their lives in Iraq. 78,000+ and all you could hear was the nervous shuffling of feet and clothes from people fidgeting about. (I teared up.)

Well, to this point I have explained alot, but have left out what perhaps should be the main point of a trip to a football game. Sure it was good to see, but I think that when it all boils down, we walked away after 60 minutes of football with a most regretable performance. I did however stay for the entire game. I fought the urge to which many succumbed and that was to leave early. Nope, I stayed.

Now my arm and hands are sore from all the clapping. I must have clapped more today than we normally do in church.

So Peter Weir's Master and Command the Far Side of the World starring Russell Crowe comes out today. Which brings me to my next point.

People

Why do people have to be so freaking dumb? Seriously, everybody walks around trying to pretend to own this place that we all have to share. I mean, don't get me wrong goofing around is great, I myself enjoy it quite often. But going out of your way to make a joke that makes others uncomfortable, being loud and rambunctious. Whats with it? I mean nobody cares to see that you are comfortable enough with yourself to yell something in the Cafeteria. I dunno thats just me.

Stupid people annoy me and yet I open my eyes and the world is full of them, chock full of them. Grow up people, there is more to life than your own. Think about someone besides yourself.

Then on to other news. Its FRIDAY!!!! How bout that? My favorite day of the week, and there is now a week and a half till thanks giving break, then about 2 or 3 weeks till semester. Hot Dang.

Power to the People.

Do you ever sit down with the express intention of writing something? Something that will be great, could even change the world, ideas bumbling, rambling aimlessly stumbling through your head so fast that it would even make Hans Blitzer's head turn this way or that. You sit down to the low hum, and the bright glow of your computer screen, crack your back, stretch your fingers and place them cautiously on your keyboard. Your brain is pulsing, you hope that everything will come out ok. A brief flash of light and you see yourself standing at a podium, holding a pulitzer prize. The audience is applauding graciously and you cry. Lists of verbs, nouns and dangling particples course through your brain.

"I sure do hope that this comes out right."

and nothing happens.

Tonight is one of those nights for me.

Hello all. I, here at my desk here,(wow that sounds so official) from my dorm in Lincoln, NE. 68508(mmm...there went official) offer you these few words concerning my life.

Yup. Just over a month later and still here "playing" college(quotations, my brother's - Thanks Chris! I love that guy!) I guess as redeemable we find that we are now over halfway through the sememster. Which in my opinion is really phenomenal. It is about this time, and I think that anyone who has ever been a college student would agree, that you begin to look forward to a new semester, some new classes, a fresh shot of life.

Before that, however, we have the holidays. Sure, there is some debate on whether or not the holidays are happy times or not, taking into account a number of factors. But, I think that any college student, the holidays are a wonderful thing. Going home. Now that phrase says alot for a college student. By the time the college kids go home for Christmas, they have lived in a box where that can walk 5 feet in any direction and carry out any number of activities: Turn on the TV and watch Jeopardy, Get in bed and take a nap, open a drawer and comb(or spike, in my case) your hair, get online and check the scores of last nights game or research the effects of the Macabbean revolt on modern civilization. You can open your closet and gaze upon the beauty of all of your worldly possesions crammed delicately into a corner of your room, I hop in bed, which also doubles as my couch and read a book(preferably not a text-book), or my personal favorite, in room activity staring out the window that overlooks the union lawn and observing the activities of other vibrant UNL students.
As you can tell, there are a number of experiences that can be had from the shrinking square feet of a dorm room and the prospect of going home and actually walking to the kitchen, (which is up-stairs!) open up a FULL-SIZE fridge to see what kind of goodies await your consumption(all paid for by Mom and DAD!) Currently, the contents of me and my roommates, "college-size" fridge includes; hmmmm....one jar of Bakers brand grape jelly. I guess that could be useful in the making of a PB&J sandwich, in the event that we had some Peanut Butter and Bread!
Now,speaking of food, going home is a time of festivities, spent with family. Now in the eyes of a college student, seeing all the relatives is a FANTASTIC idea. However, the key point that sticks out is that they are not spending meal-time in the local cafeteria! Dont get me wrong, the local cafeteria is good, its just that you start to look for something new, when you notice fried cat-fish sticks on the menu for the third time in two weeks.

Ok, well thats all I got as far as creative goes. I really wasnt planning on boring yall with that long of an intro, but for some reason those are the words that came crashing out of my brain.

Things her at college are good.(I would use the word great, but I was just reminded that "great" means big, not good.) It is true however, that the longing has set in for a new slate of classes and a new schedule. Not to say, that I have given up on the classes I am in now. I am actually enjoying them quite a bit. But, my mind begins to shift toward the spring semester and all of the new and EXCITING opportunities that it brings.

Well, speaking of exciting. These next few weeks are shaping up to be something to write home about. There is an upcoming performance of A Flea in Her Ear(a french farce) and as a Bottom-of-the-Totem-pole Intro to Theatre Student, I will be doing "light hang"(ie-hanging lights) for that production, taking up two of my upcoming Sundays. From there, I got a VERY small part in a "Directors scene" which is for the senior theatre majors, who are in a directing class, that have to produce a short scene. So I have a few rehersals for that and then an in class performance. Also, for a show called The Blue Room, I am doing run crew. Run crew are those people that dress in all black and run around on stage between scenes doing absolutley nothing. No really, we move props and scenery changes. Also, there is opportunity for me to help out in some regard on a few different film projects that are being done by different film majors around campus. So yeah, should be fun. Other than that, classes, and food, and sleeping, and hanging with friends, and watching JEOPARDY! WHEEEE!

So there you have it. Sorry to cut this email so short, but really I cant think of much else that is exciting enough to keep you awake. I have been visiting some different Churches around the city which has been good. Also, just to lay all of your minds at rest, I as of 2:43pm on Novermber 3rd, 2003 still do not have a girlfriend. I just dont want anyone to worry, hmmm...unless you are my Mom and are highly concerned with timeliness in which I find a girlfriend(I love you Mom!) She wants grandkids. But that may be awhile(see my quote near the end of the page.)

Well thats it. I love you all dearly. Sorry that my communication has been so sparse, I must say in my defense that I have been busy.

peace,

matt

"Girls are confusing."

So, here we are "College!" Been here almost two weeks. How exciting. Really things are everybody. (I say 'everybody' as though there are loads and loads of people reading this.) Anywho, school is good. Classes are good. Cafeteria is really good and yes, I am getting along fine, being away from home and all. As a matter of fact I am enjoying it. I feel that being away is allowing me just enough breathing room. I guess the best way to explain that statement is to say that in most people's lives I have found that there is a point where you just need a bit more room. Some where to go, away from those people that you have grown up with all of your life. I feel that this is it. Not to say that I am becoming or even hope to become a drunken party-going maniac. No, just some room to move about and feel out where and more importantly who, Iam. Outside of classes I am working part time at a coffee shoppe downtown called "Solid Ground" its a good place with some great bagels and even better coffee and lattes. Some killer sandwiches as well. So if you are reading this and live within an hour drive of Lincoln Nebraska. Then please feel free to look it up and give it a try.

Wow! What an experience, and one that none of you, who were not there can experience with me ever, ever again.

Evanescence played the Bob Devaney sports center here in lovely Lincoln. To which I moved last week for anyone who cares(more on that later.) It was great. Blistering bass guitar riffs poignantly punctuated by hard hitting yet melodic guitars and the angelic sound of Amy Lee's voice. The beauty, the mayhem, the chaos all rolled into a nicely appointed hour-size bite. This may just be what the after life tastes like.

"If this is torture, then chain me to the wall." -Tito the dog in Oliver and company

Beautiful. Mid-way through their set Evanescence covered Zero by the Smashing Pumpkins, for those of you 'Matt Harrell-Pop-culture-junkies' then you may just know that the late Pumpkins were also one of my favorite bands in their prime. It was great. Definatley right up there with the Linkin Park show and the other Evanescence show that was attended by me in KC. This show also finds itself in the company of the pleasures of buying a new pair of socks. Cool huh?

The band, hailing from Little Rock, AK. mostly played stuff from their most recent recent sophmoric release on Wind-Up records "Fallen", a few tracks off of their original self-released album "Origins" and also suprised and pleased a few in the crowd with a few of the tracks off of their 99 EP. Another pleasurable point of the show was a few new tracks, hopefully from their upcoming as-of-yet untitiled album. Wow, allow me to break from my stylistic propensity; to end this one song. Amy left the stage and Ben Moody(typically, the guitarist brought out a small drum set-up with two base heads and two smaller snare heads. It was MIND-BLOWING. The pounding of the regular drummer added to the back-up guitarist and the inreasingly powerful bassist, all coupled with the might and power of the added drum. Wow! Thats all that I have to say.

(hey all, ummm....here I go being vulnerable with myself. This is a bit of something that I wrote, it caught my mind late one night and I have played around with it. I like it a bit, although it is not as refined as I would have hoped. It is more or less, fictional, but perhaps a bit allegorical as you can consider my waiting for the 'next step' of life, being college here in a few weeks. So enjoy! Let me know what you think.Please keep your more harsh criticisms to yourself, as I am still learning.)



the waiting room!

The sticky feel of vinyl seats sticks lightly against my skin. The pungent smell of sterile wafts through the door. The worn edges of the over-read 'health' magazine floats lightly in my hand and even lighter in my mind. The muted sounds of the bedraggled mom with the screaming kid barely shakes my stare. The 'clink' from the beads of the toys on the waiting room floor beg my attention no more.

Then the door, the door to the back, the door to the 'promised land' swings open just long enough for a women in white to step out, and as I look at this out-of-focus figure, the words that leave her lips and cross the doors’ threshold barely cross the threshold of my mind. "I dont know those words...they must not be mine, that name must not be mine." Disappointment crowds my head.

I find myself waiting, and for what? I do not know. I have been waiting is all, all I know. I have been waiting for quite some time now, but long enough to have forgotten when I started, when I started waiting that is. Now, at this time, I don’t even know what I have been waiting for, but there is a sense of anticipation. Every time the door opens I feel, "OH, this could be me, please, let it be me!" With each passing click of the door shutting again, with me still waiting, my mind seems to say "Any time now, next time its you. You haven’t been forgotten."

I have filled out all my forms, finished all my paperwork. I have dotted my “I’s” and put the line through the “x.” But still I wait. My insurance forms are completed, but with no real assurance of anything.

The man in the corner, the one with the cane, tells me that it could be a long wait. But his eagerness also pacifies my fear. “Someday, someday soon” I say, “maybe the next one will be for me.” The picture of resilience, the picture of wisdom this man strengthened my resolve to keep waiting. This man, gives me hope. So here it is that I wait, here in this room, this ‘waiting room.’





peace,

matt

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Everyone says to live life without regrets. The only purpose of regret is to help you live a better tommorow.

Five words for you. "Seabiscuit"...............................

Any questions.

Wow, Color me silly! A film that I went to simply because I thought it looked inspiring, and the critics had been raving about. A film, that I didn't expect to expect a whole lot out of. A film that almost made me cry.

Amazing. A film that delves into the indominable will of mankind, and the indominable spirit of a horse that dared to fight.

A film with Tobey Mcguire, Chris Cooper and Jeff Bridges and yes, the ecclectic and beautifully so, William H. Macy. All or most give stunning performances. A film set during and post depression era, looking into the lives of a down and out man or 3 of them rather and a horse. A film that shows you how to get back up after you have been knocked down.

Its a small horse, but it puts up a big fight.

Hello everyone, I guess I realized that it has been a while since I threw down one of those fancy 'update letters.' So with that in mind, I have strapped myself into this chair, right here in front of my computer at 3819 Farnam st. and I have vowed to not get up, till I have sent out an update. So, if you would please buckle up and hang on for what promises to me a exhilarating and melancholy ride.

I guess that it has been about 6 months or so since I last update you guys. Shortly after I moved out, am I right? Well, I think that at that time, I had just gotten the job at the Olive Garden. Since then, I have quit there. I think that I was just starting to tell myself that the restaurant business is not the place for me. After 3 brief stints at the China Buffet, Chili's and the Olive Garden, the inconsistent hours, unpredictable people, inconsistent pay rate and the pouty co-workers, I found myself standing on the outside looking in, wishing I wasnt there at all. So, I put all of my mental prowess together and made my exit. I now work at 'PayPal' of www.paypal.com. Yes, matt has gone "cyber-space" I sit on the computer for 8 hours a day(at an office, not at home) and take care of people and their problems. For those of you who don't know, PayPal is "The world's number one online pay service, we allow anyone with an email address to send money to anyone else with an email address. Its great. A bit of a different company to work for, seeing as how the only product that we market is the information and our service. Its the first company that I have worked for that doesnt have an inventory!

Other than that I have watched a whole bunch of movies since then. Some good, most terrible. Speaking of movies(you may see this as a continuing theme, throughout my life.) But I was an extra in a small omaha based production. Not super exciting, a film called ITK. It is a pretty small, low-budget murder mystery. But you got to start somewhere. I can let y'all know when it comes out on video-tape, if you would so desire. (Speaking of good movies, here my unabashed prop for the movie Amistad, all I have to say is amazing and go watch it, or borrow it from me.)

Other news of not about the past six months. I have jumped out of an airplane twice now. Pretty nuts if you ask me. I mean, the experience of climbing out of an airplane at 3,500 feet is crazy go nuts. I think that the experience would, in a word, be best described as 'intense.' Well, all of that said, I am still, more or less in one piece and I did not pee my pants!

Well, I think that the afore mentioned events, pretty thoroughly sum up the past few months of my life. Although, bowling on wednesday nights will always be a highlight in my mind. If there is anything that I left out, please let me know and I will make up a supplementary update email. So now on to the future.

This fall I will be attending the ostentatious University of Nebraska at Lincoln. WOOooo. Getting out of Omaha in a serious sort of way. While there my major will be Film Studies. So I will probably be watching lots of movies in a serious way. So if you have any recommendations I would be more than interested to hear any or all of them. I will be rooming with my amicable roommate Ivan Lovegren. Such a great guy, so ladies if you are looking to hook up with a good guy, I know his mumber. (just joking he has a girlfriend, but i dont.) So for that, I leave around August the 20th, in case anyone wants to kick it before I go, I might not make it all the way home for a while.

Well, as far as, I go as a person. It has been an interesting six months to say the least. I find myself in a perpetual state of defining myself, re-defining myself and re-undefining myself. I guess we are all in a over-arching search for what Truth is. So with that said, I find myself in wading through the mire of enumerable questions that seem to carry on without end and without answer. However, of one thing I am convinced. If Truth be questioned, and once the dust settles, Truth will still remain standing. (disclaimer: I dont wish to be melodramatic, I do not seek your pity, just letting you know where I am.)

So there we be. My life in the proverbial nutshell, abbreviated.

Any questions?

I love you all. Thanks for being my friends.






peace,

matt

"It is not in knowing that we find but in failing that we seek."

have a great day!

disclaimer; the following post was NOT written with any particular person in mind. whew!

5-4-03




To the girl who looked at me and smiled as I passed you in my car on the interstate the other day,

What happened to what we had? So innocent, so beautiful, so true. The way you looked at me made my heart flutter in my chest. The way that the wind flowed gently through your silky hair, took my breath away. What happened to what we had? The walks we spent together I was sure that I would fly away, I was sure that I would wake up from my dream, but I never seemed to. The way I could stare into your gorgeous-eyes for hours and feel like only a moment had elapsed. What went wrong?

Was it something I said? Did I forget to call or did I seem pre-occupied? Did you lose interest? Did another “Mr. Right” come along? The long talks and walks that we shared; did they become mundane, the well-worn path? Was I just another guy in a long list of heartbreaks or was I just another space, a roll of the dice, in the game of life? Can I trust again or is it not worth the time or the heartbreak? Were you afraid of commitment? Am I?

If we see each other again on this cruel highway of life, please don’t wave, I wont look back. I don’t play those games.

Peace,

matt

top ten components of a scary movie.

10) water
9 ) darkness
8 ) dirt
7 ) flashes of light
6 ) blood
5 ) screams and shreiks
4 ) obscure camera angles and SUPER EXTREME CLOSE-UPS
3 ) shadows
2 ) fire
1 ) Ridiculously cheesy plot

Just some thoughts I had today as I watched yet another preview for another horribly over done horror film about people dying and arms being lopped off and people flying about, in dark and rather shifty looking costumes, with knives and varying other misplaced limbs and grotesquery(sp?) Seriously folks, have you ever thought about how STUPID horror films are? In my oft-overstated opinion, horror films are hollywoods answer to the question of how gullible we are. Lets take for example a few of the most recent blunders.

The Ring. Finally a remake of the japanese horror film about a tape that kills people a week after they watch it. Now thats good drama.
Signs. Allright, I can't dis M. Night Shayamalan, but here we have a film about, a race of aliens who are allergic to water, that are trying to take over a planet that is comprised of 70% water. HMMMM.......(very well done I might add on the films behalf though)
Blair Witch Project. Need I say more? I mean, we never saw anything truly scary, like a ghost, zombie or even the obligatory chain-saw murder. NOTHING. If you ask me the scariest thing about the film, was the female characters most abrasive shreik. Horrible film, why did it get so much critical acclaim?

right on, my memory was jogged. the light. the twinkle, sparked in my mind. These words, these simple words, spoken so softly. So very delicatley. i have heard them before. I gave this book to someone, someone I may not even know. Someone like you. This someone, someone by the name of stephanie. Borrowed this book. This stephanie, had told me that they went to washington. She had also mentioned something about a seat back pocket on this plane. Something about a forgotten book, in a seat back pocket. The light returns. I have heard this before. Are you Stephanie?
Man. Have we met before, whats your name, I dont remember. You see...my memory is not what it used to be.

WOW, like a rock falling from the sky it hit me. I was stunned, there I sat, with my friend, Ivan watching "the terminator" the original, masterpiece starring his majesty Arnold Schwarzenegger. (A beautiful film by the way.) But, the thought that hit me, and epiphony really was "That 'T2' is as good if not better than the original". To really understand the weight, power and signifigance of this statement you would need to realize that I HATE sequals. As a matter of fact I believe the verbatim quote would be, "There are NO sequals that are (the ORIGINAL Star Wars saga aside) as good, or better than the original." Yet still, Within a matter of two minutes I realized my error in this comment, "Terminator 2: judgement day" as well as "Aliens 2," in my opionion can not only compete with their predecessor, but surpass them.

Another good, thought was brought to my attention, "The Godfather 2." But first of all, I have yet to see it and secondly, the revelations made in the first paragraph were enough to keep my head spinning for years. Paradigms are shifting, whole schools of thought are crumbling before my eyes!

No, don't tell me, the Sun really does revolve around the Earth?

The ol' rock and roll concert is where it was tonight, yes sir it was. Thats where the fun was at. The show tonight was at this local place we like to call the ranch bowl. The line up included such heavy metal delights as Pariah, and Nodes of Ranvier (actually a suprisingly good band.) But the main course was Living Sacrifice, a band that has been with us for 13 years, and this was probably about my 13th time seeing them. They were making their "Farewell tour" across America, t'was a good show and good times. But I dont really want to focus on the music, or the bands, or even the sound guy in the back. I want to talk about the kids, the Hardcore kids!

The kids who seem to be so mean, and rough and tough at the show. The ones who seem to be so confused and scared when they're alone. "I am more secure than I am!" "I want to believe something that I am not." I step from behind my door somehow different than I was before. I like the painted facade I have made, scared and alone, I can push the troubles and pains of life away with just one flick of the wrist, its there and I am gone. So cool, so powerful, so in-control. Please dont peek behind my veil.

Saturdays are great, huh? The alarm clock went off around 9:30 this morning, I rolled over, turned it off, and went back to sleep for another hour. Don't get me wrong, I have stuff to do. Quite a bit in fact, I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping, before going over to my brother Nate's house to hang out with him and my parents. Then after the shindig at my brothers it is off to a blisteringly, crazy night at work! But for now, time can wait, I have something more important to do, sleep, what a wonderful word. So after waking up and showering, I really only had time to go grocery shopping. Good old Wal-Mart. That Sam Walton was really on to somehting! I spent over $50 on groceries today, the most to date that I have ever spent on groceries. I guess that my clothes will just have to wait to be cleaned till another day.