It's SO weird that people actually read this.

SOOOO weird.

Thank you, I love you all.

right now I am in the middle of filming a film. Its called The Empty Temple. Temple is UNL's theatre building, my home outside of my dorm(I spend alot of time there), and supposedly (I just learned how to spell "supposedly") its haunted. I guess, I dont really belive it, but its been a fun shoot thus far. I am the boom mic operator (or sound dude, as its called in the biz.) The thing that SUCKS! is that my "boom pole" is a freaking like 15 pound stage mic stand. To Marc and Jeff of the Heart of the City shoot. I take back EVERY complaint that I ever uttered about booming for your show.

The following is a bit un-nerving to me as an aspiring artist. I dont know how to go on a journey!
Which is a very bad thing if you need to know. I seem to be able to find a moment and stick there. I dont know how to get to it. I dont know what to do after it. The fun part with my realizing this tonight, is that tonight I started with something that I am fairly familiar with. Hey, they say to "write what you know" so what better place to start, eh? Frustrating. Cause I now have two pages of dialogue and a little action and I dont know where they go. I have an idea. But I dont know how to get there. I mean, for pete's sake I dont even know these characters names yet! For the moment, the space on the page set aside for their names is filled with "Guy" and "Girl." Yeah, if you must know its an angry break up scene....which I dont know very well at all, but its what happens next that I know. But then, after that I dont know what. Yeah, its a relational drama. Its about hopes, dreams and the death and life of that. Who knows. I dont know what its about. Maybe I'll tell myself that my uncertainty will eventually lead to a senior thesis quality script. Scary! g'night.

"everyone is geniuses when its 130, or theyre drunk." -Emily Potter

Sitting here tonight doing nothing, probably watching tv or something I had a realization and it has to have been the most comforting thought that Ive had in a long time.

I finished Frankenstein last night and started Blue Like Jazz today. Both seem to be very different books. One classic 19th century, the other modern, contemporary. One fiction, one non. I sat in 3 different classes today. One on Stage Lighting, one on Film Lighting, still the other...cant really say that I merely sat in Ballet. Weird. I had a conversation on the phone today with my dad, a conversation about 19th century lit and how to fix his car. I worked out tonight, so as to keep myself in shape. A shape, any shape.

After all that I had a realization today. I realized that I am in spite of what my mother would say, I am nothing special. Ive read some stuff and I can tell you why I liked the movie Crash and why Billy Wilder was a good director. I can now do some ballet-type things, although I cant tell you what they are, cause all the words are in french. But on top of all that I am nothing. Weird, huh? What a freeing concept. Dirt, with life breathed. A creation who knows his Creator...or is trying.

Now the question is, whether to post this or not.

What a weird night,
and if I didn't say, I just might

say Ive had a near ghost experience
and I can't say I've wanted this.

----


Good bye to, and from Omaha. Tommorow morn is move in day for me, down in lincoln. Its been a great summer. Its been a weird summer. Its been a single serving summer. Compartmentalized.

"Lets Boogie!" -Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Leonard Shelby: "I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."

Leonard Shelby: "Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy, yes I will."

Hot tea has all the allure of coffee, without the I'll-bash-you-over-the-head-if-you-don't-find-it feel.

*Random thought I had as I was driving to work last week*



thanks for sharing with me

3:28am and my phone rings. *I am asleep. Unconscious.*

3:30am my phone rings a second time and this time my mind clicks. The painful glow of my cell phone's LED screen burns the words "Mom and Dad" across the caller id. "hello", groggily.

My parents should be asleep in the bedroom that is directly above my bedroom in our split entry house. I should be asleep, but my dad is on the phone.

"Matthew, are you awake?"

"no, yes. why?

"We need you to get up and get dressed with a long sleeved shirt, turn on some lights in the basement and get a couple tennis racquets out of the front closet. There's a bat in our room."

Long sleeve shirt, tennis racquets. Odd ... A bat? Flashbacks of ill-prepared, full-panic commando raids on invading varmints back at the east wing flood my brain.

"ok" Still groggy. That'll change.

I roll out of bed and put on a hoodie and some shorts, nothing fancy, no concern. I open my bedroom door that opens to the hallway leading to the family room. I can hear my dad shuffling about upstairs. ... A BAT!?! It hits me. No more groggy. Like gunshots from an automatic my heart is firing. I grab a tennis racquet, a bat hunter's weapon of choice and proceed down the dark hallway. Crouched in a half walk, half crawl I can imagine myself a marine commando in the wiles of vietnam. I can taste the musk of gun-powder, I can smell the oily scent of face paint.

Flipping on the hallway light I push the hallway door open. Flutter flutter flutter. Vile wings beat in scattered pattern across my family room. My heart is really racing now, out of control. I am concerned for my dad who has just recently had heart surgery. With eyes as peeled as they can be on a creature so spastic, I cautiously make my way to the stairs, racquet raised, steely with the resolve of a frightened 4 year old. Now at the top of the stairs I hit the lights to the room, which flicker on.

Nothing.

"Matthew" My dad's voice breaks the air. He never calls me Matthew unless he's concerned or upset. "Can you get me a racquet." A command, not a request.

We descend the stairs again to the basement and spread out as much as two people can. We have no idea where the flying rodent has gone. So as to ward of an onslaught of alarm we are sure to make plenty noise so as to startle the bat so he doesnt kill us.

Moments pass.

no bat.

He could be anywhere. I could almost feel the bat breathing down my neck. We have no idea where he could be. Hitting furniture in hopes of rousing him from his resting place, time slows.

"There he is." Not my voice, my dad's. I turn in the direction that he is looking.

"No, not in the bookshelf!"

"No, no ... behind."

Ahhhhh..... Crap!

There is a one inch gap between the bookshelf and the wall ... and mr. bat has made his place of rest there.

"Get a net!"

"It won't fit without waking him." says dad.

The next hour is spent in contemplation ... please, remember my logic is still asleep in bed.

"The hand-held vacuum?" suggests dad.

"Not enough suction." ...

"How about using blankets to scare him into?"

"Won't work Matt." ... The humane society is called in and eventually called off.

"We could just board it up and let him suffocate." I suggest

...

As I sit there staring my dad starts taking books off one of the shelves. "Is this about where he's at?" He asks. Taking books off the shelf at the approximate height of where the bat is sleeping behind the thin board that backs the shelf.

"Yeah. About, yeah. What are you thinking?"

"You're sure this is about where he's at? Right behind this board?"

"Yes." I respond. Why?"

....

THUD!!!!

..................

"How long does it take to suffocate a bat?" inquires my dad.

..................

About five minutes later my dad eases his hands off the front side of the bookshelf. The bookshelf re-settles to its full standing position.

"Is he dead?"

"Get the vacuum."


Its now just after 5am.

BLEEDING

BEATING


BREATHING

Its been a weird day for me. Lots of conflicting thoughts. Had an audition that I think went well. Signed with an agency - currently not feeling so sure about that choice. Great friends at a great coffee shoppe. Now The Life and Death of Peter Sellers.

-All along I was smiling, but it meant nothing.-

I fear. I fear that we will be caught with our hands in our pockets hoping, wishing that we had the time to pull them out.

If you believe it
you will become it

If you say it
you will believe it

The Upside of Anger or Just in case your childhood didnt make you angry this movie will make you feel it should have or The Angry Side of Anger.


So as I write this I am currently watching The Upside of Anger, proving two points; one is that it is nearly impossible for me to turn off a movie. Second is that it appears that a movie about an angry single parent is only making me angry with the movie, further proving my first point.

A tragedy is a story in which the characters are seemingly welded to a track which leads to a downfall, events that are tragic in nature. Welded to a track that takes the characters in a direction that it is often painful to watch. Still, and Shakespeare proved this, the choices that most tragic characters seem at the moment logical to the audience, the sign of a good tragedy, usually.

However and now I am just rambling...and yes ranting just a bit...see above comment about anger. A bad tragedy is one where illogical characters make illogical and all-together painful and unmotivated decisions that no logical person would make.

In the end I feel that The Upside of Anger is director Mike Binder's flawed love letter to his broken childhood. I was hoping for some redemption from the cast, especially Erika Christensen who I was very much impressed by in Traffic but even she felt like little more than a plastic doll powering through awkward situations and horrendous dialogue. Kevin Costner is decent, Diane Lane is decent but majorly and almost completely flawed. Mr. Binder I thought we were supposed to feel compassion for at the characters. I do not share your view that all men are slobs and all women are angry because of it.

I am currently looking up statistics and wondering as to why it took 5 production companies to put together this $13 million film. For the record this is the first movie I have walked away from in as long as I can remember.

So for those of you who know me, you might know that I have an appreciation for sushi, and if you didnt know that you know do. So with that I added making sushi to my list of experiences. It was really cool and it tasted good. I would recommend sushi to anyone and everyone. So simple yet complex. So flavorful and healthy. Its almost like the perfect food.

Just got back from Chicago last night around midnight. 3 days away and in Chicago were just what I needed. It was great to see some friends I havent seen in awhile. It all makes me jealous that I am Omaha as opposed to being in Chicago. I love that city. The next 2.5 years pending it is currently the place that I would like to end up shortly after graduation. Saw Navy Pier which, aside from the commercial was very cool. I think I could spend most of my days there just writing. Ivan's performance was good, if thought provoking which it was.

I got my resume off to the writer of the film that I could potentially be working on. Pray that goes well. Lots of good thoughts on the form and function of art as well as its purpose and place.
Batman Begins rocks! Even harder on the IMAX screen where I saw it. Chicago rocks! I dont know why I am living here. Its frustrating. Now I must to sleep or I will be on tired boy at work tommorow.

After spending four hours inventorying a local Shopko department store I have a new goal to fulfill with my life. And that is to never own or wear a pair of pants with the hidden elstic waist expanders stuff. There have it. Also, tommorow CHICAGO OR BUST!!!

peace,

matt

Shattered dreams and poetry screams(disconnected)

As the credits roll
and the pictures fade to black,
dies a part of life that pains me in my sleep.

The memories fade
and the music blares in pain
on hope that begins to wain (away).

Best intentions,
and cruel directions
couldn't save this sinking ship.

Skepticism and
inhibitions
were the knife that held it back.

Beauty, love
and tragedy
carried us along.

Torn emotions
and split devotion
lowered to cliche.

The story goes
The lights come up
and you're gone.

So it goes.
So the story goes.

Irony is reading a chapter of a book that describes a recent-past situation in my life to the T. A chapter which is also now a short film script. A film for which I've been asked to audition for. A chapter about a phone call, that I read just moments before I planned on calling her.

No one should feel the need to feel "sexy" until their wedding night. Attractive? yes. Beautiful? more so still. "Sexy?" No! What message are we trying to send?
I am the bride of Christ. You are the bride of Christ.
Purity. The lost virtue of today.
Live different.

you pull the cord from my mouth
even as I die watching.

wipe that smirk of your face,
you'll never win this

Holy Jumpin-Jellyfish, this-aint-your-grandmother's Batman Begins!

So much has happened in my heart and in my mind and in my life since my last post that I dont even know where to start as far as all of that. But I did just go see Batman Begins and I was very impressed. Christopher Nolan, I love you. Christian Bale, I love you. Cillian Murphy, I love you and am jealous of your eyes. Liam Neeson, you kick ass and I love you. Tom Wilkenson, I love you. Ken Watanabe, I love you. Michael Caine, I want to cast you in something and I love you. Gary Oldham, I love you. Katie Holmes...if youre out there and youre reading this. I love you. Tom is a schmuck, and short. Leave him and we can get old and wrinkly together. Batman had heart, Batman had torment, Batman was a human, sharing with me in the co-existence with the human condition. For the first time in my life I truly appreciate Batman. Before I had said "Batman is just a rich and strong prick with a fancy utility belt." I take that back. Thank you Christopher Nolan, Thank you David S. Goyer (story writer), Thank you Christian Bale. Katie Holme, I love you.

Two movies of note thus far from 2005: Crash and Batman Begins.

Also, just for the record. I hated StarWars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. I was bored. I felt the need to write letters of apology to Ewan Mcgregor and Natalie Portman for some of the dialogue they had to suffer through. Mr. Lucas, please tell the world that you are done, not just with StarWars but with directing in general. Focus your abilities on ILM, your true master piece. Collect the royalties and hole yourself up in Skywalker ranch the rest of your happy existence. Please.

God gives and God takes away.
God closes doors, and makes other ways.
Father into your hands I commit my Spirit.... Not my will but yours be done.

I think that Howie Day said it best when he said "Stop all the world now"

I feel that there is so much going on in my mind/heart....or heart/mind rather that I don't know how to put it down in words. I feel that it is going to come out some time though, and it is all good stuff. I am very encouraged. Have you ever had one of those incredible days where at the end you are just exhausted? That was yesterday for me and even after sleeping nine hours I am pooped.

Iam off to deliver some mail!

"3"

Indecisions goodbye.

Integrity.


"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"The Joy of the Lord is your strength."

-Nehemiah 8:10

"For the glory of God is man fully alive."

-John Eldredge, Waking the Dead

I think I can honestly and authoritatively say that I have the best set of friends ever, and any attempt to argue with thought would only serve to defend that position. My motivation in attempting this point is that you all are willing to live life with me, to question, to teach, to bleed, to love, to cry, to laugh and smile, to live. Thank you.

By the end of the summer my legs are gonna be like rocks. Right now my gluteals feel like fire. Tommorow morning my quads are gonna feel the same if not worse. I just played ultimate frisbee for nearly 3 hours. Awesome! We won. I just pray that I get a "mounted" mail route tommorow, which would mean that I get to drive a truck and deliver as opposed to walk and deliver, cause my legs are going to sting.

Happy Memorial day! Spend some time with the family today.

It would seem that the "summer slump" is taking the reverse, and by that I mean that there seem to be some new folk checking by(either that or the same 2 people are stopping by 4 and 5 times a day...hey if so, Rock On! But if there are in fact new people, I would wish you a hearty Welcome! Drop a line sometime. I think there is a link for feedback or comments or whatnot.

I think I discovered a rift in the space-time continuum today (suddenly the "former trekkies" contingent of my readership perks up.) Yeah, standing in the bathroom at work in the West Omaha Post Office today and I blew my nose, usuing a Kleenex of course. Of course. and well something left my nose...I felt it leave, ok. And I looked at the Kleenex and there was in fact a hole in it and on the other side of the Kleenex, my hand, but no boogie. This brought to my mind some deal of confusion. And yes, I did do some searching around, but no boogie. So, my only logical conclusion...a rift in the space-time continuum.

Then one night, Simba's father appears to him in a vision;

Mufasa: Simba.
Simba: Father?
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No! How could I?
Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba...you are more than what you have become.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.

--The Lion King, Disney (1994)

Randomness, when attempted by human hands still shows evidence of plan and design.

Observations:

Cillian Murphy(28 Days Later, Red-Eye, Batman Begins) may very well have the best set of eyes of anyone that I have seen, why doesn't he get more recognition?

I am really looking forward to seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Who says Matt Harrell can't have fun at the movie theatre in 2005?

John Cusack(Say Anything, Must Love Dogs, Serendipity) is my nominee for most-eligible, cute and sensitive bachelor in a movie roll.

2005 must be the year to make-an-entirely-new-copy-of-a-previously-succesful-movie-and-market-it-by-a-different-name. (ie- Kingdom of Heaven = Gladiator, Flightplan = Contact)

Crash and I ain't talking about no Dave Matthew's song. I've already said too much.

Equilibrium: lost

I should have posted about this before what I had yesterday, but what I wrote yesterday was just so heavy on my brain I had to get it out.

Anywho, I just got back on Sunday from a what felt like a whirlwhind tour of sorts. A whirlwind 7 city tour(Lincoln, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Orlando, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, Omaha.) A crazy-weird sort of vacation that I think one is only afforded when they are an airline employee. Speaking of which, when you fly standby as you do when you are an airline employee you truly are a second-class citizen of the airport. Seriously, as I sat there in the Detroit airport after getting bumped from 3 different flights to either Tampa or Orlando I thought to myself, I feel like the equivalent of a homeless person in the airport. I mean really, no one really cares about you. If you get bumped from a flight the airline doesn't re-imburse you or put you up in a hotel for the night. If you're lucky, they might help you re-list on a later flight. Hmmm...I guess on a lighter note it did only cost me $40 to fly down and back, so thats a plus!

It was a blast. Leaving from here Friday morning I didn't really have a final destination in mind(although I did have a few narrowed down) and Florida seemed to be as good of place as any with the sun and the beaches and all. So after spending 5 hours in the airport I was off to Tampa Bay, off to tampa bay...on 3 hours of sleep. 2 hours of waiting in the airport for my friend to pick me up then a 2 hour drive back to Orlando. A rather chill evening of just catching up on things in each others lives. Driving around Orlando and seeing the various sights her apartment, downtown disney, etc.... Finding a hotel(the first ever that I have rented) some TV and some sleep.

Wake up call. Saturday morning. Wake, shower, pack, eat and I am off to Animal Kingdom with my good friend Sarah Epperson, where she works. Wow, in retrospect we did SO much at Animal Kingdom in the brief like 5 hours that we were there. The Tree of Life and Its Tough to be a Bug, Tarzan Rocks, The Safari, The Lion King Show, Rafiki's Train Ride thing, ummm.....and Dinoland or Dinosaur Expedition or something. It was all alot of fun, although I was tired. I met my three goals for the trip by Getting out of Omaha, Hanging out in the sun and Hanging out with my friend.

So straight from Animal Kingdom to the airport where I get bumped from one flight before before making it onto an alternative flight to Indianpolis...where there are no more flights home by the time I got there. So I got myself a hotel(#2 if youre counting) and let me tell you King Size Beds are HUGE!!!!! I think that I only saw about a quarter of it the entire time I was there. Sleep. Zonk. I am pooped. 5 hours later. Wake up call, shower, eat, pack and I am back at the airport. Short hop to Minneapolis with 3 hours till my next flight.

What to do? Well, Mall of America is somewhere in this big town. Right? So the obvious answer is to find it and go there. Which I did. (Public Transportation ROCKS!!!!) So yeah, I found a monorail of all things to bring me to the mall and walked around for awhile. Now. To those who think that the Mall of America is big enough that it should require like a week to see all of it. You are all wrong. I think I walked 75% of it in an hour and a half. Mind you, I didn't do much shopping. I didn't really have money or anything pressing to buy and also they closed the super cool toy store that I think took up half of the time we were in the mall with my family a few years ago. I was bummed.

But things go and as such I went back to the airport. To Lincoln, drive to Omaha and sleep!

I feel fat. My saying that should make some realize the lunacy of when they say that statement. It doesnt matter. I played serious ulitimate frisbee tonight with a bunch of people and it was awesome. My chest feels like burning. My legs feel like rocks...more specifically Pop Rocks that if you were to touch water to them they would burst. It was wonderful. Maybe it was the 6 oz. steak that I ate before I played, but I feel fat.

And oddly, outside of my game of frisbee I dont feel that I am talking about my physical body. I am thankful for the body I have, thankful that everything works. Thankful that I am healthy. But I still feel fat. More specifically I think I would say that I feel complacent. Maybe thats it. My mind feels fat, my spirit feels fat, my heart feels fat. Lazy. Complacent.

Complacency is -- A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy. Dictionary.com (I even feel complacent in this moment for using a websource dictionary.)

The Grasshopper in the story of the Ants and the Grasshopper was complacent. He put off gathering food for the winter figuring that he had plenty of time. Instead he widdled and fiddled his time away dancing and playing is guitar. The ants toiled on.

Complacency in my mind is a feeling of "I've arrived and I don't have to fight anymore." or "That there is more time to fight later." In my opinion a bad place to be. But that is where I am. Now, trying to fight my way out of it. So many things in my life have changed in the past year. Like I said to a great friend awhile back; "I am miles away from where I was yesterday." I feel that alot of the questions that I had been asking for so long have begun to be answered. I feel more sure of my salvation today than I did a few months ago. That can be a scary place to be.

The Bible says to "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling."(Phil. 2:12)

Too many things can way a man down. Too many things have weighed me down. A very wise woman once said that "Hunger drives a man on." (Shirley Harrell)

I feel that God said to me yesterday; "For that which He hath set free is free indeed. Now walk ye in that freedom." and also, then a little later I feel that He said to me "Don't move until I tell you to move." I guess, I dont know exactley what those mean together yet but I am ready.

Thats what I think its about. Being ready for God to move to tell you too move. Not being weighed down by junk, by things, by whatever...fill in the blank. I think God called us to be warriors and most warriors dont carry their kitchen sink around. Where am I getting with all this? I really don't know. Most of this has just flowed. I don't know that I am telling you to sell all of your possesions and give them to the poor, but Jesus might...and the Bible did. Be ready to move. Because in alot of ways I think that if we are not ready to move on our own.

Then, I think that we will be moved against our wills. If we say that we believe it, mean it.

I don't know what more to say. I would love to hear feedback. halfpastnormal@yahoo.com

I am in the boat too. Lets go together.

Freedom was only meant for those who can be trusted to handle it responsibly.

The Storm

The fire in a windsbreath
the steam in the storm

The power
magnificence
and fury of a thousand angels raining down

Raindrops on my glasses
what a pretty sensation

The wind
rain
and beauty, a source of hope for new life

The old is burned away
the new comes shining through

The beauty in the tumult
the breath amongst the storm

Rumble
thunder
and repitition

The storm.

ROCK IT ALICE COOPER!!!!

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!

ITS ALL OVER!!!!!

IF YOU WANNA PARTY LIKE ITS NEVER BEEN PARITED LIKE GIVE ME A CALL!!!!

GOODBYE LINCOLN!!! GOODBYE POUND 811!!!! YOUVE BEEN GOOD TO ME!!!!

SEE YOU NEXT FALL!!!

BUT NOT A MOMENT SOONER!!!!

one word to describe how I feel right now: EXUBERANCE!!!!

"Marla... the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't. " -Narrator, Fight Club

That about sums it up. Oh yeah, also find and listen to Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional the only part of everything that it doesn't mention are the two birds flying around Wal-mart.

So I just got back from a 3 day 6 city tour (Lincoln, Minneapolis, Austin, San Antonio, Memphis, Omaha) and it was Awesome. Seriously, as a college kid one may not think that a weekend vacation with their parents and grandparents would be that exciting...and it wasnt really that exciting, but that was the excitement of it all. For 2 days I feel like my life went about 2 miles per hour. Sitting around and just connecting. Learning about my grandparents past, their lives their legacy.

So it was a great weekend. Flying with my parents (for $40 each way no less!) It was a very encouraging weekend. Many epiphanies and revelations. Inspirations. I did some writing on the flight home this afternoon that I really, really liked. I am excited to see the direction it takes in the next couple of days. Look for that soon. Other than that I am back at school in lincoln in a partially "moved out" room, so it is kind of boring.

A job interview at the Post Office on Wednesday(pray, please) , A final on Thursday, Move the rest of my junk home Thursday, My Brother Nate's Graduation on Friday!

Awesome.

"Hunger drives a man on." - My mom.

Depth is what creates dimension.

How's that for pedantic?

Think again.

SAN ANTONIO OR BUST!!!!! I'll be back on monday.

Memories will kill ya man. Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind? Its really good, interesting...painful. Its muse is memories and its vehicle is relationships. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. I also just watched Sideways tonight, a very nuianced movie...wine is the medium and the film pours and tastes just like the people, the wine it represents.

Moments of reality. Not on screen. Not on tv. Real moments.

The only significant relationship on the stage or screen is that between the actor(or the image) and the audience.

Thoughts Screamed from an Inadequate Soapbox!

Will this be the American New Wave? To borrow a variation on the term French New Wave(Nouvelle Vague?) Will it be that the american contribution to art will be the next step of incredibly talented people creating art that looks like they didnt take much time on it? I dunno, just a thought/quandry as I see things in society moving towards the fashionably laid back. I see shirts that scream at me "I DONT TRY TOO HARD." It is popular at the moment to tell the world that you really dont care that much. Will this be the American New Wave?

Watched some Cirque de Soleil last night on Bravo and was utterly impressed and inspired.

Going to church this morning.

Then Chicago --the mucisal this afternoon.

Then I am acting in a friends short film project.

Then I am editing my short film project.

WATCHOUT!!! Its gonna be an awesome day!

"Its a beautiful Day!" - U2

The Psalm of the day is Psalm 91. So much so is it the Psalm of the day that I feel the liberty to post it in its entirety.

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most Hight will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress my God, in whome I trust." Surely He will save you from the fowlers snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my
salvation.

------------------------
in completely unrelated news i thought i had seen everything at wal mart but tonight something more to amaze me at wally world two birds flying around the store hmmmmmm

also on the way home from wal mart there was a guy standing on R st like shadowboxing or sparring by himself

my suggestion or exortation for the week is to give organized religion a try

Worms on wet cement
think about that.
In terms of hope and desperation.
In terms of perseverance and seeking.

Worms on dry cement, dry
think about that.
In terms of hope and desperation,
in terms of perseverance and seeking for something real.

Fat guy on a little horse. 

Society of Respect...?

So this is gonna be pretty rough. Its been awhile since Ive laid out my thoughts like this so forgive me also, forgive me if I offend you. PLEASE respond with your comments, its the only way we can all learn.

---

A few weeks ago I got an idea for a story to tell that would've basically been about a high-school age guy, who was very well immersed in the popular culture of his school. He does decently in school, participates in after school sports and goes to plenty of parties. Along the way he would've become involved in a couple of people lives in ways that most of us do not experience. And in the end he would have learned from the error of his ways and hopefully found some form of resolution and change in his life. (especially in all of its vagueries---vagueries? Not a word.)

Ok, so maybe not the best story (especially in all of its vagueries---vagueries? Not a word.) But more important than the story was the thing that I was trying to make plain. As a working title for the story I was thinking along the lines of "What it is and why it shouldnt be." Confused? Basically I was going to attempt to gang tackle next to all of the problems surrounding sex culture in out society(allow me to be blatant.) So as I continued to work this through in my head and as I talked to friends (not about the story, but about events - their lives, my life) I realized that what I was attempting to do was so much bigger than I could capture in the moment on paper. I was struck by this idea of respect and how deficient our society is of this capstone.

WE HAVE CREATED A PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE!!!!

I really think we have. We've created a cycle in our society that doubles back on itself for its problems and confusions. Please, ride this out here, I am not pointing fingers except to all of us. We live in a society where females have been completely and utterly objectified by males. Think about it. I'm not even going to site the crippling rise in porn sales. I am not going to look at MTV and their wiles. I am not going to peer at the music industry as it stands and lay the blame. Lets look. Sex is everywhere these days. Everywhere! If you dont believe me take a look through the sunday morning ads. When toilet bowl cleaners are being sold by a revealingly dressed woman. Men objectify women, and women allow themselves to be objectified...its not that easy but you get the idea.

In a world without valour and honour
Princesses fall for Ogres and
become hags when they lose their Dreams.

Be a knight of shining armour
a knight who'll fight the good fight
and slay the dragon to win his princess.

Demand and dream to be a princess
A princess who deserves not a king
but a knight who'll sweep you off your feet.

I started looking into Study Abroad programs today, lots of information. I am excited! ...and very tired, I dont do well on 3.5 hours of sleep.

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. You know, the kind where the spot in the very center of your brain wants to reach out and touch every other place in your head but just can't.

I just wanted to share that thought with you, me, whoever reads this.

Write something about Perseverance.
Need to write something on Perseverance.
I want to write something about Perseverance,
about fighting complacency.
About the fight between what is momentary
and what is forever.
What I want my life to mean,

The epitaph question is so cliche.
Relationships not things and accomplishments.
People not prizes,
thats what makes the difference.
My kids, my friends, wife, family, my enemies.
Thats what matters.
My God that's what.


More on that later.
Its funny that on my music playlist the song Everything in its right place by Radiohead is sorted out of order.

The day is Monday, March 14th. It is the first official day of spring break! Although for me, I have technically been on break since Thursday afternoon! Its great! Though unfortunatley I am spending the week in the Omaha/Lincoln area, just relaxing and spending time with pals...exactley what I need. I worked tonight, but actually got sent home because I haven't taken my labret piercing out. Which hasn't really been a big deal up until this point AND my supervisor didn't seem to have the courage to come tell me himself, so he sent his assistand manager, I thought that was silly, but oh well no skin off my nose I got to go home 2 hours early.

I will be going to Minneapolis, MN. friday afternoon. Afternoon? I here you ask. Yes, working for the airline has its perks and I intend to fly up friday morning and fly home friday evening and either spend the day at Mall of America or in Downtown Minneapolis. Either way it will be an adventure, hopefully Mike or John or Jeff will join me up there.

Tommorow I am going to the funeral of "Grandma Dee" not a biological grandmother, but a honorary grandma none-the-less, more accurately I would say I was her honorary grandson..me and my brothers. She was our next door neighbor in my old neighbor and I have loads of great memories of her and her house. God bless her.

I just finished Fight Club in its original format(well, the novel. It was a short story before that but...details) and whewph! I think that the movie did an excellent job. It was sort of an expounded and abridged version of the Chuck Palahniuk(author) book, by David Fincher(director.) The book just has some extra little details and notes that make the story even better. The film fills with visuals that just cant be catered to in word form. The book, the film, the story would be one of the most mind trippiest works I've ever experienced. Also on that list: The Matrix and Primal Fear. Funny part is that Edward Norton was in all three.

No? He wasn't? You're right. But just imagine if he had played Neo in The Matrix...imagine it.

Now that I think about it also on that list would be: Requiem for a Dream, Snatch and Mulholland Dr.

Fight Club is a story about anarchy, about sacrifice about life. It is a story about death, it is a love story. Fight Club is a story about soap. A story about Change, revolution, anarchy(which is in and of itself a flawed concept - but thats for later) But above all, Fight Club is a story about soap.

To the un-believers or detractors from the thought of Fight Club the musical(if this is the first you're hearing about it check out this website) I think the beauty of the concept of the musical can be summed up in this line;

"Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."

Try to think for a moment of a more elitest group than those who regularly attend a broadway performance. The only group that I can maybe think of is the 500 Club, and they are fairly likely to be in the same company as those who attend shows regularly.

I think its brilliant. All of it. We'll wait and see.

~But in the end I don't think that anarchy will prevail. Only so much can be gained through violence and power. Power must be given, in order to be obtained. "A gentle answer..." The revolution of non-violence of peace, will be a long lived one. A hard battle to obtain in this callous, war riddled society of greed and capitalism. I dunno. ~ I'm out.

THIS IS FOR IVAN:

You know that you are being spoiled by your car's remote keyless entry system when you wish that your dorm room had remote keyless entry.

I HOPE YOURE HAPPY!

Yeah, this past weekend I spent going to and coming back from San Antonio, Texas with the purpose of picking up my new car(a red 1998 Buick Century) and seeing my grandparents. I completed both of my objectives as well as spending alot of quality time with my pop. With that said, I am now safely and soundly back in Lincoln, Nebraska. Where would you like my next adventure to be to?

Why is it so easy to be apathetic?

halfpastnormal: "Yeah, it was just a simple day and I really did feel happy about it being my birthday."

Life IS full of Colours! Full of hope! Its just that sometimes we cant see the flowers through the rain.

Who could've asked for a better day? Its 38 degress in Nebraska at 1am in the middle of January!!! Its amazing, the weather is beautiful. Who feels like a picnic.

The only thing that could've made today any better is if the computer lab would've been open when I got there at 8:40 this morning so I could've typed my freaking script before my class but oh well.

I looked around online tonight at some different colleges and I am just blown away at how Lincoln's program compares(or doesn't.) How did I get duped into going here?!? Darn you! Matt...(cant remember his last name) who I knew from my Highschool 745 live days and he was in Macbeth when I came and saw it here and said it was a really good program. Darn me for not much looking into it before I came. Fiddle-sticks to Mark Hoeger who told me that the program was really good because it integrated many different art forms together to reach film. "The program" sucks! Right now, University of Chicago, Art Institute of Chicago and USC all look tasty, but there is still much looking to do.

Lincoln is just so small, as a town, as a college, as a mindset.

"Jump from the cliff to fly, not to fall." - Remember No Fear clothing? yeah, buddy!

The best part of it being cold is the tears freezing to your face, but even that doesnt remove the pain.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! (in frustration and anger.)

I slowly lie back and the warm ocean waves break over my shoulders.

*Wow, that sounds really good rignt now. I was going to creatively use the ocean as a metaphor for plugging back into my highspeed cable internet as compared to dial up at my parents house, and use that to just explain that I am not back in Lincoln. But after typing that first sentance that just sounds like too much of a dream to mess with at the moment.

peace

It being the last day of the year I thought it would be fitting to take some time and reflect on the events of the past year, both good and bad. Also, I thought it might be good to describe the view as I peer over the edge into the chasm that is my next year. BUT....as irony would have it, I dont have time to reflect right now. So I will get on that in the next week or so.

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!(Lets make it a good one!)

From here to there,

Matt

Observation(s):

I got my hair cut yesterday and noticed that it has been a long time since the person cutting my hair(lets call them a stylist) has had to use the pneumatic-air-lift function of the barbers chair while I've been sitting in it. I wonder why that is.

You can't imagine the week I've had.

My heart aches, breaks and elates.

This past weekend we closed the show that I've been working on for the past month and a half. It was a great success and I am proud and it is over. Amidst the joys and frustrations of a show my head is lost in feelings.

This past weekend a very close friend's girlfriend broke up with him. He is heartbroken. I ache.

I caught news that one of the most foundational men in my life was caught in an affair with a 17 year old. I cry for him, for his family. I love him and his family.

I just heard news of two separate engagements. Two of my good friends(one here in Lincoln, one in Romania) just got engaged to be married. Both weddings set for next August. My heart leaps for joy.

This past weekend the girl I like, that I loved told me that I am everything she has ever looked for in a guy but something just isnt right. My heart breaks, again.

I have so many projects and tests and things to do that I barely have time to "deal" with any of these feelings.

At times like these I feel that I run out of emotions to give, to have. As an artist, as a person I feel the need to feel. I feel empty. Run out of any emotion. I feel no motivation. Yet still I push forward cause I am sure that there is something else out there. Something of value. Something to run for.

FORGE!!!

24 by Switchfoot is playing in the background.

"Is there no hope?" A question that I find myself asking alot. I have to believe that there is. Even if I (pause) I dont know what to write.

After 7 hours of Burn This (the play I am working on) tonight I don't have the energy anymore.

Somethings were unshakeable. I know now that nothing is safe. There has to be hope.

"Without hope consequences mean nothing." -Brenda Council

Pastor Mike, I love you. I believe in you. I would hug you if I were there.

Everything by Lifehouse is playing now.

I find "artists" illogical who wish to deny the impact and influence of the christian church on art.

prax·is ( P ) Pronunciation Key (prkss)n. pl. prax·es (prksz)
Practical application or exercise of a branch of learning.
Habitual or established practice; custom.

To borrow a quote from one of The Greats of our American past; "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."
-Forrest Gump

I agree completely and furthermore would say that Life IS a box of chocolates. And you truly never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes you get the chocolate cream, or the caramel pecan or whatever. But then there's those times where you get that chewy, pink nougat stuff. (What is that anyway, "nougat"?) Usually the time that you get these undesireables is when you get near the ends of your precious Russell Stover box, somewhere in between wanting to gobble up all of the chocolate and wanting to throw the remainders away. Thats when it happens.

How can you not see that this applies to life. Dang, that Forrest was brilliant. Heres to ya! Where ever you are, Keep on Running man!

Rant!

It frustrates me when "open-minded" liberals demand tolerance and open-mindedness, when they themselves are so judgemental of "conservatives" who they consider to be close minded. In my opinion this is something that both conservatives and liberals need to work on. A sort of meeting in the middle. How can anybody expect someone else to take seriously their philosophy if you are not first willing to think about and accept their theory. I dunno, I dont want to exonerate tolerance, but we need to be able to dialogue, to listen to understand before we can criticize.

Go out and extend someone that courtesy today. Dare to be offended, then dare to speak your mind, as you believe it. Don't mince words.

Peace,

matt

p.s. - ahhhhhhhhhh...

You know you're busy when-

Your alarm clock goes off in the morning and it feels more like a "gun-shot start" to a race than an alarm clock.

You spend less than 5 minutes eating a meal, more than twice a day. That is if you eat at all.

You leave your room at 7:30 am and dont get back till nearly 11:30pm.

You find yourself catching up on reading as you walk from class to class.

While standing in the shower for the first time in 3 days you realize that you havent showered for three days.

and others, but I am too busy to think of them right now and because you get the idea.

today is perfect weather for Norah Jones.

A 10-time Grammy Award Winner sat next to me this afternoon.

-------Later that evening.

Picture the Lied Center stage empty with the exception of 4 monitors, a chair, a bottle of water, a man and a single spotlight. ONE MAN and probably one of the best concerts I have ever been to.

Bobby Mcferrin is probably best know for the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" which he improved in a studio about 2o years ago! IMPROVED!!!

So bare, so powerful, so raw, so....personable. Earlier in the day he had been in an Intro to Theatre class that I attended just to hear him. He wore, a pair of light blue jeans, a somewhat faded dark purple t-shirt and a pair of black shoes. The same thing he was wearing before the crowd at the Lied hours later.

He sat on stage, vocalizing one of Beethoven's preludes while the crowd sang the Ave Marie. One of the most spiritual moments I have ever experienced right behind getting saved, getting baptized and walking into the Orthodox Church in Galati, Romania.

I say "vocalizing" because I dont really know how else to describe it. Sarah, said that "it was basically scatting." But it was in like 4 parts, he himself. It was as if this beautifully harmonious sound was eminating from his entire body, and not just his mouth. Amazing.

He performed The Wizard of Oz in about 5 minutes. Starting with the tornado, Complete with "Ding dong, the witch is dead" and "Wee-oww" capped off by him splashing water on himself from his water bottle and melting to the floor.

If you have a chance to hear Bobby Mcferrin, do so.

"Where is my mind?"
--(Where is my mind?, The Pixies)



"Why is Superman dead?...Doesn't anybody ever know that the world's a subway?"
--(Superman's Dead, Our Lady Peace.)


"Revolution is just a word. That loses more each time it's heard. Won't mean a thing until it hurts. Is anyone out there?"
--(This Love, Stavesacre)


"Without a revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement."
--(Lenin, not a song)


"Everyone thinks of changing humanity and no one thinks of changing himself."
--(Leo Tolstoy, also not a song)


----------
Ivan - "What do you see as the difference between "art" and "entertainment?"...
Dan - "Art is what occurs when something's whole becomes more than the total sum of its individual parts."
Matt - "Perhaps, "art" is expression while "entertainment" is manipulation."

Ivan - "...Charlie Kaufman?...The Village? I mean, M. Night?"
---------


"I don't want to die without any scars."
--(Tyler Durden, Fight Club)


I dont want to die without any scars.


"Well whatever, nevermind."
--(Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana)


-------------------------
Check out this link.
www.playbill.com/news/article/86917.html

Today is brought to you by the song: Im afraid of Americans by David Bowie and NIN.

I love how my posts are getting more and more cryptic, and by cryptic I mean short.

Props to the Bush team and their Victory(this posted before the winner was announced)

Regrets to the Electoral College, I mean all my respect but it cant be this difficult.

Iam out.

So a mutant lady bug landed in my turtles tank whose name happens to be Haiduc and my turtle hunted that stinkin lady bug and ate it like nothing else it was awesome like a live screening of animal planet or something

Redemption.

Just as I was about to sit down here and rip into how bad Team America: World Police was, I took a quick tour of a few friends online journals and happened across this...knockout of beautiful proportions. Words of wisdom from Ivan Lovegren, the first paragraph apparently from Matt Landis a local actor/artist.

------
Nothing is more encouraging than to open up one's email in the morning and find these words, courtesy of Matt Landis:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body... but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming: WOW! What a Ride!!"

The only better motto I can think of is the ever popular, "Today's a good day to die." I believe that quote is attributed to Crazy Horse. So often people misinterpret that quote as an outpouring of depression or anger. WRONG!!! It is a response to the capitalist have-all-get-more attitude of miscontent. If I am not ready to die today, how can I imagine that I am living today? If you haven't already, read "The Count of Monte Cristo."

And, as always, Project 86 will never die.
------

Now I hope I dont get sued for copyright infringement or plagiarism but for me if they manufactured "Inspiration-in-a-can" that would be its package.

How many activities can one man find to delay having to write a paper?

The numerical answer to that I do not know. But I do know that writing this is actually one of those activities, others have included today watching football, sleeping, eating amd watching Mythbusters are among the contestants vying for my errant attention.

So the past few weeks has seen for me a slew of theatrical shows and I just wanted to share some of these with you. (in chronological order of my attendance)
Kusari- A movement piece here at the University. Energetic movement without spoken word. The narrative was driven entirely by lighting, music and the actors body movement. This being my first movement piece it was intriguing at least, but ultimately I didnt enjoy the show mainly because of it lack of interconnectedness.
Metamorphoses- Expertly adapted by The Mary Zimmerman from the ancient works of Ovid. This is the telling of 10 mythical stories. The words, the script of this show are amazing. Another incredible aspect of this show making it unlike anything I've seen before is that the stage is a 10 foot by 10 foot by 2.5 foot pool of water. The depth and the feeling that this gave the the show I thought, was incredible.
Rent- The original Broadway musical staged right here on the Lied Center stage. I was stunned, I was amazed. This was my first encounter with Rent and yeah, I thought everything was wonderful, the music, the acting, the set. Wow.
Medea- Again University main stage. The staging of this ancient Greek tragedy was terrific. The set, the door, the statue, the fire pit, the scrim(for those of you who saw it) was in my opinion very impressive. The acting, all the actors were masked again a first for me, so that was new and intriguing but what the mask does is actually to inhibit the ability for the actor to convey feeling through the face, Next stop -- the body. This perfomance I would say was fairly athletically demanding and ended up wearing on me as well. I felt completely and overly exhausted after this show.
Finally, Neccesary Targets- The story of two american reporters who are assigned to post war bosnia in hopes of writing a book on what they see. 5 Bosnian women make their aquaintance and follows the confusion and inconsideration that ensues. The young and mostly inexperienced cast made this one difficult for me to swallow. I liked the script but thought that it would require a much larger scale to complete. Also, the nearly minute long scene changes were the breaking factor in moving this show along.

Thats it. Other than that, not much. Life has been crazy busy. A time of moving on. I have a few big projects and papers due this week, will hopefully be going to see my best friend in KC this coming weekend and then I start stage managing for a show called Burn This! the next weekend. Pray for me.

Have I ever told you how much it frustrates me when a professor doesnt show up for class. Yes, yes I understand that this is college and that sort of thing happens. But its not supposed to happen for an 8am class when I have two more classes that day. So I cant even go home and sleep.....grrrrr.

Anywho, life is nutty man. One day you think you have the world figured out, the next I ask myself the question of "The world?!?" I have in the past few weeks been wondering whether or not I should take some more time off of school. Which if I take another semester off it would be my 4th and I dont know that I can do that. But...I was thinking that it might just be great if I found an internship in NYC. Think about it, I could work somewhere maybe even on or behind a stage and then at night go see all the broadway shows that I could ever want...or probably more realistically as many as my wallet would allow...which if we're still thinking realistically would be like 1 maybe 2.

So I dunno. UNL is just beggining to wear on me. I am frustrated by all the "same thinking" that goes on here. It seems that most people are here to get by if anything. Not to excel and in closing it is my firm belief that you dont get ahead by not excelling! Anyone disagree?

Do you ever feel that you have just been a complete and total jerk to someone?
I do.

Ripping my heart apart for just a moments bliss.

I've told a number of my friends today that "I am going crazy." To ease some of the awkward tension that creates I quickly and nervously quote Will Ferrell's character from Zoolander "I feel like Im taking crazy pills." Heh heh. chuckle chuckle. Desired affect accomplished.

From there and with a somber look on my face I entreat them to agree that if they see me chew my shoe, please admit me to an insane asylum.

Ok, Im not really going crazy. But then again how am I supposed to know that. No one thinks that they are the one who will go crazy. Then it happens to them. Smack- out of the blue.

This week has been a rough one. A lack of sleep coupled with and caused by too many projects being due and one too many exams. I havent been feeling well. Perhaps that is because I am running on 3.5 hours of sleep at the moment and am about to go perform a monologue of a man in a Lebanese prison that has been there for 2 months and has himself begun to go insane. Does he know that he is going crazy? Does he have that consious thought or does it just happen to him.

After that I am off to the computer lab to finish a screenplay about a washed up superhero who is just looking to fit in. I dont even know my characters anymore.

Later tonight and as a bright spot on the otherwise shiny horizon, I am going to see a professional perfomance of 'Rent' at the Lied. I am excited for that. After? I dont know, perhaps I will collapse, perhaps I will...

I'd like to thank my roomate Ivan for the inspiration to post today.

SMILING, THROUGH MY WOUND.

I realize that it has been over 4 months since my last post, so in an atempt to be more transparent with my life I hope to make this worthwhile. If you have any questions, concerns or would just like to talk please email me at halfpastnormal@yahoo.com.

***

I never realized that a "search for truth" could be so tiring.

Seriously. It has been over a year now since I took a "step back," of sorts from my faith based following(Christianity) of nearly 4 years. My reason: confusion, my motivation: questions, and my purpose: to find TRUTH. The verse in the Bible that entreats us to Ask, Seek and Knock has been a sort of mission statement of mine for about the past year.

The main question asked that begged my attention late last summer was "How does a good God allow evil?" an answer that I think any person strong in their faith could answer fairly quickly. But for myself I had a problem, I couldn't say that I believed the answer that was given.

I think that one important component of just about any religion is 'faith.' This is another term on which I have stumbled for the past year. I think that for any religion to complete its true purpose must surpass mere religion and find itself in a person to be their spiritual belief. To believe takes faith.

Am I making things more complicated than they need to be?

Sometimes it all seems so elementary. At times I've had the thought to simply create a spiritual dart-board. Something at which I could toss a few darts and come up with some irrecognizable form of a religion in which I could believe. Essentially, there have been times that I have felt that it would be easier to just give up and pick the easiest choice and pretend to "believe" that it is truth(and some would suggest this to be a feasible method - "What can it hurt to try?" has been asked of me.) I guess that just seems like a short-cut.

If there is one thing of which I am certain; "Truth, being questioned and once the dust settles Truth will remain standing."

Every time I say this to myself or someone I think of Mount Rushmore. I think about how at one point it was one large amorphous rock. Then one day a guy came along with a crew of other guys and thought "Hey, it might be cool to make some faces out of this rock." The finished result is what I would compare to "the truth." Similarly, with truth you can widdle away at it, but at some point no more will chip away. For me that is when you sit back, let the dust settle and begin to inspect the Final work. So where is this elusive truth?

I've heard there's joy in the journey. Wanna find out with me?

Hey, everybody. I hope that all finds all in good health and conditions concerning life and the surrounding circumstances related to the subject of life. Good!

So hey, yeah, that which has become the standard for the begginging of these long overdue emails. I am sorry for the length of time that hath transpired between this and my last update email. I guess if there is an explanation it would be that I prefer not to "flap my yap" if it is not absolutley neccesary. But now there are a few things which need updating, so I shall proceed as such.

School; IS OVER! One full year down and with very acceptable grades to boast as well (All A's and B's for the year!) Also, I must say something here about school that at the beggining of the year I never would have thought would darken the doorway of my lips, but I do miss some of the guys from school. Call me crazy but I think that Matt is growing a soft spot in his heart. :-)

Since I have been back in town it has been a wonderful time of relaxing and trying to reconnect with as many friends as possible. I feel that thus far it has been comparable a whirlwind publicity tour and I dont feel that I have had much time to spend with many individuals. So that is something I look forward to in the next weeks and months.

This Summer: hmmm...I guess that is the question that lies on everyones collective mind. What Am I doing? Well, it looks that I will be filling the position of summer intern at the Hope Center. For those of you who are not familiar with the Hope Center, it is an outreach ministry to North Omaha. A center who, by title and objective is seeking to infuse a community with hope, a community that may not normally see that emotion but more likely that of desperation and dispair. What that means for me is that I will be assisting the already full-time staff in the activities and programs that they run for the youth of this city. I think that this will be a great growing opportunity for me as a person as I learn with these wonderful boys and girls.

Another opportunity that greets me with a certain amount of delight would be a little film that is going to be put together this summer, right here in Omaha. Some of you Omaha-ites may remember a former youth pastor from Trinity by the name of Jeff Saxton. Jeff has since moved to Minneapolis, MN to follow his calling. He is a visionary and seeks to fulfill that vision through the media arts. As I understand he has written a number of feature length scripts and has recently had a few of them optioned(picked up) by small production companies(I say small in comparison to big LA productions, but they really are big compared to what Jeff had envisioned.) So we will be shooting his film "Heart of the City" right here in Omaha, NE. This June 12-26th. For more information you can check out the website heartofthecitymovie.com. What that means for me is that I will be the boom mic operator for the shoot. What that means is that I will be standing around for numerous hours a day holding a "boom mic" above my head and down low to the ground and many other compromising positions. I am really looking forward to working on this set.

Other than that, not much. I guess I am still looking for another part time job to kind of fill in the cracks of what I need to make financially this summer, so it anyone knows of someone or somewhere where I could work I would be more than happy to entertain the possibility.

Thank you guys so much for contributing so much to my life. I cant thank you enough for that.

peace,

matt

p.s.- If the length of time between my update emails is driving you mad and you just cant stand it, then you should check out my online web journal at halfpastnormal.blogspot.com and it is there that you can fulfill your "Matt Fix" for the day or the week.

Tipping the scales

So, hey, its been awhile since I last scribbled on this page and I just wanted to catch the few of you who actually read this thing to stay up to date and also I find that writing about what has been going on helps me to process it better.

So, 3 weeks ago I started working on a show called Pterodactyls, I was the light board operator and I worked on that show till the end of its run a week later.
The next day I started working another show(Guys and Dolls) as the Mic Wrangler(Yeehaa!) and I worked on that set till its close on saturday night, a week ago(the day before Easter.)

So yeah, those two weeks were crazy busy, too little sleep and too many theatre folk, but in the end it was a fun and educational experience.

Then this past week has also been fairly busy as well. But for different reasons. I have a number of school projects due in this last leg of school and I have been scurrying to finish up with those. I have also been able to attend a few different theatrical productions this week with a very good friend :-) I went and saw the show that my roomie is in called "The White Rose." It is about 5 German students who authored a anti-nazi propoganda paper and the Reich's reaction to that. It is a powerful story.

I was also able to go see "Boys Next Door" last night and it was very enjoyable. Its a story about a mentally handicapped group apartment with 4 boys, their caretaker and their other compadres. It was very touching, I loved it!

Other than that, and a little bit out of order, I was able to be home with the family for Easter and that was lots of fun. I love being home with the fam, it makes me smile everytime.

Well thats about it, I will try to keep updated as new things arise, but as you can see my life is fairly uneventful and I put things off, so it will probably be another month or so till I post again. Feel free to dial me up on the telly.

peace,

matt

p.s.- OH YEAH! in regards to the title, I weighed myself today and clocked myself at 199.5pounds. This struck me with two realizations. The first was "wow, I probably haven't been this side of 200 since my freshman year of high-school." The other thought was "Man I really shouldnt be this light, not saying I am a stick(and I am definatly not sick either-Mom, I am taking good care of myself!- I just thought that was kind of cool and its also kind of cool cause my target weight is 205 and now I have about 5 pounds that I can splurge on. BRING ON THE BEN AND JERRY'S!!!!

The sun is shining and the hamster is spinning in his wheel.

So everybody, here art we. Where you are I do not know, but one thing that I can tell you is that I am here and most likely if you are reading this then you are inevitably...there.

Hmmm...as I see the words of what I am about to say forming in my head, I think that it might be helpful to you the reader to know that education is a very important thing in my list of ideals. There is a perceptable moment in time when that came about, and that thought will most likely materialize in the form of a blog in the next few days. But the initiation of my thought today stems from chemistry class(which coupled with my recent post on biology gives the sciences an unfair advantage as far as prefered subjects by myself. I am not a real big science guy, but lets run with it.) Now chemistry will almost assuredly be paired with a bit of art theory as is to be expected from a Film Major.

So, if you reference the title of this whole mess you, I must say that I now completely agree with and more importantly understand the whole theory that says particles and atoms and electrons and what-not move at a more rapid(I think Mr. Rea my high school Chem teacher used the word "excited")rate when heated up, this same theory applies to the frequency of philosophical thought. Let me explain. I have noticed in the past few years that first of all, I think alot. Now from there I have noticed that my thought patterns are not neccesarily(ok, for reality sake, are almost never) linear in pattern. This confused me for the longest time up until this past month and a half or so when we have had this most unpredictable weather. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt in 70 degrees and sunny one day and the next morning there being snow on the ground(no exageration.) I have recognized the pattern. I think better when my brain is warm.

The world makes more and more sense everyday!

So now on with the my next thought(actually the main motivation for this post) or epiphany rather under the context of my already warmed up intellectual muscles. So it has been just over 4 months since I saw "Mona Lisa Smile" with a great friend of mine Stephanie Axne. (As most of you may already know this is "The Great Julia Roberts" most recent release, but I personally dont find the lady to be that fantastic, meh perhaps I am just critical.) The thing however that intrigued me more than anything in this film were the scenes inside the art history class that was taught by Robert's character. She started by showing numerous slides of famous paintings and as the flustered teacher soon found out all of the girls in her class at this all girls school "knew" or perhaps better "knew of" all of these paintings. But did they actually know them?

After regaining her composure she puts up a slide of a representational abstract rendering of a sacrificed bull(the name of which and the artist's name escape me, even after some research.) But the painting is very carnal, gory. As most of us would say very abstract, representational only in a similar way to how Pablo Picasso bent the term. She then asked them whether or not it was art. After a brief pause, some confusion and a very lacksidasical answer she asks "What is art?" A few more answers all of which were fairly intriguing but they all seemed to be looking at a smaller portion of the much bigger whole. Eventually Teacher Katherine Watson seems to put their doubts to rest with the answer that she has found to be correct, "Art is anything that you call art."

I must say that I was very impressed with this idea, at first. It had actually been right about this time in my life that I had emailed a good number of my more "artsy" friends and asked them for their individual definitions of art(finding that no one answer was the same or even very similar.) So my viewing of this film could not have come at a more peculiar, perhaps coincidental time.

As I thought about that more and more it lost more and more credibility on me, because I dont feel that everything is art. For example, a few years ago there was a very controversial piece of "art" displayed in the Metropolitan Meuseum of Art in New York, this particular piece depicted The Christ figure surrounded by clumps of fecal matter of various sizes. Now in my mind, how can this be art(and not just because of its controversy. I am very open to new forms of art, but I do feel that there is a line somewhere.)

One conversation in particular gave me a great deal more confidence in this idea that art is not anything that you call art. I opened the idea expressed in the movie to a couple of my friends and one girls answer in particular struck my attention
(I girl whom I respect and appreciate dearly.) She agreed and expounded further, "It may just not be art that you appreciate or it may not even be good art." Hmmm....I thought in my head, without saying another word. "What then is the purpose of art if it is not held to the standard of needing to be good?"

Sure, in defense of her idea I do agree that art means different things to different people and as such I may not be able to appreciate a work that has impacted someone else immensly. Take for example the recent film "Thirteen" a coming of age film about a thirteen year old girl in Southern California that is going through the struggles of growing up too early and that statement doesnt do the thought justice. We're talking about shocking things that teens are going through these days, things such as voracious dieting, alcohol, sex and drugs at a young age(a shocking age like thirteen.) I must say the film was stunning, almost offensive in its content. But for me, I was more or less unable to relate because I have never been a teenage girl, or a brother to a teenage girl or a parent to a teenage girl or even a boyfriend to a teenage girl. So with that point suceeded there is some art that connects with a certain group with a shared characteristic. BUT! and in conclusion I do not think that it is fair to say that anything you call art is art because you say so, just because it may not be good art. And my reason for not thinking that is because I do not see a purpose with "bad" art.

There you go, it is now 1:59pm, it has been an hour and a half since I ate lunch and I can now go work out, safely.

peace,

matt

Sitting in my parents basement at 2am listening to Rage Against the Machine.

I guess if I were to give you one singular word that best described me as a person at this general time in my life, that word would have to be Confused.

This week has afforded me a most spledid Spring Break. It has been most very relaxing I have been able to spend time with some of my closest friends and I have had opportunity to relax which at times seems to be something that we college folk either forget how to do or dont have time to do. I was actually able to do some recreational reading this week, as opposed to academic reading, which I have not been able to do since Christmas Break.

Sometimes I find myself to be jealous of the monarch butterfly.

(Now to be honest, I wish that I could just leave that statement in all of its blatant ambiguity and crypticness, but alas I will once again oblige and explain myself to you as best I can.)

Now if we all close our eyes and think back to a dark time in our past called elementary school and seeing that dark spot delve even deeper to a darker more hideous recollection elementary science class(oooohhhh...it makes me shudder.) Now if you recall learning anything about monarch butterflies you most likely remember that they have a life cycle. That life cycle starts out as an egg on the under side of a plant leaf and progresses through the stages from the larvae(catepillar), to the pupa(chrysalis), to the adult butterfly that we all know and love.

Now after that most brief review I can see the words forming in your mind..."Why would one envy the life cycle of a monarch butterfly?" and well, I'll tell you. You see, I find myself in a stage of life which I will probably remain in until I die(or am very very old) where I find myself in a constant state of change(to borrow the biology term metamorphoses.) Almost 3 years I graduated high school and in the time since I have been to Romania twice for a period of 4 and a half months. I have sustained an overtime work schedule working for a number of months at about 70 hours a week, I have attended college now for 3 non-consecutive semesters and in between there somewhere I moved out of my parents house and lived on my own for most of a year. None of that said to toot my own horn, all of that said to express in words how my world has changed through this progression of uncertain soil (and these physical or location changes dont bring into account some of the philosophical or ideological changes that have gone with that territory which often better exemplify the change better than the apparent location change.)

With that, the envy that I have of the butterfly is that there is a set end for a butterflies maturation, a place where the butterfly will not develop any further. Unfortunatley we don't have a model for what the endpoint of our development will be as people. Rather we have an idea as to what a man should be as he grows up but really I dont think that there will ever be a place where I can say; "Oh this is where I stop." So I say that knowing this, I'am still in a place of learning, of development I always will be and I'am growing but sometimes not at the rate that people would like me to be and I'am sorry for that. Please have patience with me.

Now, the reason that I do not envy the butterfly life cycle, their average life span is only 10 months.



For your viewing pleasure (and to accredit the momentary research that I did on the monarch butterfly I have added this link to a wonderful diagram of the monarch butterflies life cycle. ENJOY.

Dropping the label

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet."

--From Romeo and Juliet

What is in a name? Our culture has gotten so caught up in labels and quick categorizations that it has blotted out any breath of individuality. Our "progressive" culture has grown a Rolodex mindset, and as such we want answers here and now, answers that we can cordon off for later use should the situation so fit our convenience. We have litterally become walking post-it note pads, able to spout off volumes of near-useless knowledge at a moments notice. For more on this thought please read the Metaphilm.com review on Memento.

This worries me for the thought of becoming momentary. Walking along with a friend they were able to list of the sterotype of some different people they had never met; "Artist. Pot-head. Jock. Sorority chick. This worries me for the sake of people feeling judged, for the label to stick. Some part of me wishes that we could entirely remove adjectives from our repertoire.

A label is a convenience and one that has been taken none to seriously.

So what if I drop a label that has been tied to me for so long? Does it make me any less of the person that I was before?

So hey everybody! In case none of you recalls this email address it is your friendly neighborhood Matt Harrell. The reason for my writing is that I realized I haven't sent out an update email to the bulk of you in some time now and I just want to make sure that you all know that precise details of what goes in my life. So please double check to make sure that your tray table and seatback are in their upright position. Please note that the "no-smoking" sign is illuminated, so that means that regardless of how worn out you get along the ride, there is no smoking allowed, so hold on!

So the past few months of my life have been most exciting. Of recent event, I was in Omaha for Christmas. That was a lot of fun, a great time of re-engaging with friends and family and more than that it was a great time to relax. As far as grades and stuff first semester were really good, all A's and B's.

Since then classes have been going well, busy and quite a bit of work but good. I am taking Geology 101, Contemporary Math, English Composition, Theatre Tech and Principles of Design for Theatre and Film. But for some reason I do feel that I have either told all or at least most of you that already.

From there we continue on to a few weeks ago when I am proud to say I have succesfully turned 21! Which you all know what that means?!?!?!? It means, more less that Im 21. There hasn't been much difference except for the fact that in the event that I wanted to I could purchase the occasional refreshing beverage.

So yeah, other than that, not alot, I have been working a number of hours in our theatres scene shop as a requirement for our Theatre Tech class. That included about 20 hours at a light hang this past weekend that was a number of hours in just a short period of time.

So yeah, thats about it, I do realize that my email updates are a bit scatterbrain and unpredictable, but I would encourage you all to check out my website, which I update more frequently. Not always with strict reflections on my days and activities, but also with just random thoughts and ideas, so yeah. Check it out.

halfpastnormal.blogspot.com

peace,

matt

"21"

So I had this thought a day or so ago or rather, this question(as my thoughts often are.) What is meant by the phrase; "For mature audiences only" or "Adult beverage" or "Adult entertainment" for that matter?

Would these terms seem to imply that there is a point in a persons life at which the state deems them adequate enough, at least in years to partake of aforementioned activities? Sure, I can understand that there is an age of responsibility to which we should hope that the partakee in such events is able to do so in moderation. But still I just find it odd that this would also imply that at this point of maturation it would seem that these activities are not only acceptable, but perhaps even viewed as positive or beneficial in some light. Now, you may and or may not agree with me(alas, it is a free country and I cannot, unfortunatley expect, let alone demand 100% approval of my thoughts) but some if not all of these activities are harmful or at least potentially harmful. Where's the logic in that? I just don't see it.

Ok, now for the sake of saving face, not that it neccesarily need be saved, I cannot say that I have been a perfect choir boy when it comes to participation in all of these areas(I turned 21 a week ago and yes, I have had two beers since then, woopty-freaking-doo!) I guess in the end I just find it funny that for some strange reason there has been an age limit established for these various activities and when they are to be allowed or disallowed.

Observations:

Having the day off of school because of snow is great.

Having no homework to do on my day off is even better.

At what age did relationships become political. All relationships?

A Time to Kill is a great movie.

Brad Pitt gives a great performance in Se7en, also in Fight Club.

Friends are fantastic, possibly even the best thing on earth.

The "L" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for freaking great.

My "Principles of design for theatre and film" class reminds me of Kindergarten. Its great.

Understanding "art" would be a huge help, or would it?

How did Peter Jackson win Best Director Golden Globe over Eastwood?

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness." -The Architect, Matrix Reloaded

Girls are confusing, on a gradation of confusion, more confusing than boys.

Girls are cute however, on a scale of cute, cuter than boys.

"If there weren't purple Skittles, indigo would just be getting the shaft." -My Roomate

Sean Penn deserved his Golden Globe for best actor.

How the heck did LOTR: ROTK win picture over Mystic River?

Charlize Theron is beautiful.

Someday I wanna make movies.

There are no "Show Me's" restaurants in Nebraska.

and thats about all I got.

Oh yeah and the space between the words Sean and Penn stands for Freaking Awesome.

People who think they got it all together are just confused.

The movie 12 Monkeys for $7, its less that a dollar a monkey.

War is such a messed up institution.

Are grocery carts with squeaky wheels manufactured with squeaky wheels?

Recalcitrant is a word.

Pedantic is a great word.

People who are given the opportunity to be crazy will act crazy.

This post has been brought to you by the letter "L".

We Live,

We live in a world of towers that sway,
and these monoliths are mere mortals.

We live in a world of plastic,
of toys and molded plastic cars,

We live in a world where what is is,
and what will be...

Days of Semester Break: 23
Christmas parties attended: 3
New Year's parties attended w/o drinking: 1
New Year's parties attended: 1
Pounds gained on break: 3
Times during break I worked out before tonight: 0
How sore Im gonna be tommorow: very


So yeah, break is over, first semester grades are in(I got all A's and B's!) and second semester classes rear their menacing head as classes start this morning. The end of a dream, dead in the wake of the end of break. But lets not dwell on the bad. Lets look forward to a semester perhaps of new growth, the spring semester, a period in which many species inherit new life, a chance to breathe again. And we could all use a chance at a new start.

Break was fantastic. I hung out with unquestionably some of my favorite people in the world. Truly, I would have to say that among the holiday hustle and bustle aimed at distracting us from what is really important during the holiday season that it is vital to remember what is truly important; people. Really, being with people I must say, is one of the most incredible times in the world. It is so very incredible to me that we have the ability to form relationships. So to those that I love, I say thank you for the honor of being able to hang out; My Family(Mom & Dad, Chris and Nate) Jeremy, Mike, Stephanie(both of them!) Rachel, Kelly, Lindsay, David, Ivan, Jason(thanks so much for the pics), Brent, My grandparents and relatives, Erin, Julie, Ben, Sonja. As I think back over this past break, I really am reminded of how great life is and how blessed I'am to be in the presence of such great people. (I will stop there and hope that I have not alienated any of you with my overt sentimentality. Just please know that I really am sincere in it all.)

Yeah, speaking of hanging out with my grandparents I am happy to say that one of the highlights of my break was caught up in the apparent insanity of my brother Chris. Approached one day in church by my brother, proposition was made in the detail of attending the Alamo Bowl in San Antonio, Texas. After very little initial thought and later laborious pondering I eventually caved. 14 hours and very little sleep later, we arrived at my grandparents house in San Antonio. A great evening of conversation, catching up with grandparents(I havent seen them in nearly 6 years!) and a day of hanging out on the RiverWalk amongst the other visiting revelers and I found myself seated(standing rather) in the Alamo Dome. Where two gridiron rivals peddled there various wares but in the end, it was Nebraska who walked away victorious. As an aside, I must say that this game came in stark, and most welcome relief to the KSU game that I attended in Nov.(see my post dated Nov. 15th). But yeah, hopping back into our car and out 14 hours later we found ourselves back in Omaha.

Other highlights of the time at home included the attendance at and the viewing of a wide array of assorted movies. A list of which I will supply you with, should you make further petition. The highlights of which I shall share with you here. I must say that of the season a film by the title of In America was my favorite. It is the story of an Irish-immigrant family to the U.S., with two daughters they move into a rundown apartment in Manhattan and the film is a narrative of their trials and triumphs. Starring Paddy Considine Samantha, Morton(Minority Report) and a fiery Djimon Hounsou(Amistad, Gladiator) as an artisitcally-inspired, reclusive building tenent, with a complicated disease. The film is amazing in its detail as presented by Jim Sheridan(In the Name of the Father) but it is still lighthearted and uplifting enough to avoid the tragedy billing. In my opinion, very good and enchanting.

Well, that sums up some of my Holiday experiences, however I will walk away with more memories from this break than would be logical to write down in this medium for fear of boring you. So it is here that I will end my tale. Thank you all.

YEAR IN REVIEW!!!

So yeah, this is the time of year that we are supposed to reflect on the events of the past year and also ponder the possibilities of the one to come. Right? So with no further ado, I present to you "As the years go by; a reflection."

As 2002 came to a close and the pages of 2003 were still damp with the possibilities of the new year, those who were watching observed as Matt finally moved from under the vigilant wing of his parents house. The infamous East-Wing became my newest haunt and the location which I would call home for the next 8 months. At the time I had just finished my first semester at college and one would presume that the undertaking of the next would be an order, but "...fate it seems is not without a sense of Irony."(Agent Smith, The Matrix -I think) I decided at the time that in order to truly get the degree that I wanted (in Film Production) I would at least need to go to Lincoln, UNO would have only supplied me with a Communications major(which would do wonders in getting me a job as a news anchor, and we all know how much I envy that job.) So I proceeded to get a job, and after a few months a different job, and a different job and a different job. So in retrospect, the first 8 months of 2003 saw Matt working at China Buffet, Chili's, The Olive Garden and finally PayPal, all of which pissed me off in their own sort of unique ways. I was also working at the Word Made Flesh office part time, which was a great experience, (fleshies rock!)

Then came August, a flourish of packing, a number of complicated forms and a 45-minute drive and I found myself moving from Omaha, to the Great city of Lincoln! "There is no place like Nebraska!" and that is where I have been for the waning 4 months of the year. Dorm life and classes and cafeteria and attention-starved theatre-majors came rushing in from all sides. It has been a fun semester and a semester of change. As a Chrysalis takes shape inside the cocoon, I to have seen alot of change this past year. From moving out to going to school, changing majors to changing philosophical stances.

A year that I wouldnt trade back for just about anything. I think that it is safe to see that this past year has seen more development in my life than any of those in the past. From chasing Bats in the East-Wing, to agonizing over exams in Lincoln, to pouring my cerebrum through any number of the philosophy books or papers that I have read(and I still came out alive in the end) is all proof that it is possible for the brain to process too much information. However, as we depart from the out-dated 2003, I feel that a dent has been made if not a conquest. The development of a person takes place on a micro-level and this year will certainly take its place in that course of development.

And as is with all of these "review" letters, one is supposed to make a quick glance to the next year, and me being one to shy from bumping societal norms and conventions will oblige. This next year is probable to see two more semesters of college, with more good times to be had by the gentlemen of Selleck 6300. This next year may see me working on or being in a few different films(if the fates would will it :-) ) and also hopefully a few different theatrical productions at school. Other than that it is tough to say, I try to plan out my life, that way it has a greater propensity to be spontaneous.

Well thats about it, I hope I provided enough detail to be informed yet been cryptic enough that you guys will still talk to me. I love you all and lets have a world changing 2004!

peace,

matt

"I still haven't found what Im looking for."
-U2