Hey,

So tonight - I looked, and there before me was struch by a feeling akin to awe. A sight, something that I had not seen in awhile. I looked, and as things fell into focus and my eyes adjusted, rubbing them once in awhile to make sure I was not hallucinating. I looked, and there amongst the swelling I saw what looked like the outline of my knee cap! Amazing.

So yeah, surgery was last friday the 16th. So just in case you have not heard how that went, were curious and have the patience to sit through my whimsical ramblings.

When the got in, they found there were actually three tears instead of one, as well as finding that some of the cartilage had begun to pull away from the bone. So, they did what they do and repaired it all, I really dont know how, I am not a doctor, nor was I there. I was, at the time happily unconcious on the table miles away from where I actually was.

So now, recovery. 6-8 weeks "non-weigh bearing" - means that; Dude can't put his foot down. It's like playing "dont touch the floor" as a child. Where you had to jump/climb from furniture to furniture to avoid touching the floor, yeah, its like playing that with just one foot. One week down, 5-7 to go. I hate crutches! It really has been tough at times. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, but everything becomes a process. It's frustrating.

Everyone says that this is happening for a reason and that reason will become clear someday, I understand, but have a heard time seeing it sometimes. I guess, someday it will be clear-er. So for now I am doing alot of reading, writing and watching movies, feel free to come and join me. It's a blast let me tell ya!

Hey, anyone want to have a "crutchless" party 5-7 weeks from now?

peace,

matt

"To infinity and beyond!"
-Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

An email I sent out this morning.

Hello, As usual I hope that everything with you is going well. With an email titled "surgery" I can't really admit that it is going as planned for myself.

I am scheduled for Arthoscopic knee surgery on this Friday, June 16th 2006 at 10am. I have to be there at 8:30am for preparations and what not. This may come as a shock to some of you and so I thought I should inform you BEFORE surgery.

A month ago I was setting off on the large adventure of biking across the US. I didn't make it. One month ago from this coming friday(the day of my surgery) my brother(Nate) and I, were working on what would have been a 78 mile day. At the time of the accident we were just starting up the second pass of the day(Drinking Water Pass, in Oregon --- the first pass was called Stinking Water Pass...we did not attempt to drink water from either.) As we began our ascent of the second pass, I got a flat tire, this happens - not frequently, but often enough. So I hop of my bike and set out to start fixing the flat. Removing the tire, tube etc....setting out a new one. So, down in a crouched position on the cement I am pumping up the new tube when the stem blows off, this doesn't happen frequently. So, half out of suprise and half out of knowing that I am going to need to get another tube I quickly popped up....and so did my knee. I don't know if I audibly heard the pop, but I felt it. I felt it alot. So, we make work of hitching a ride to Boise, ID. (thanks Scott and Fam.) and the next day I hop....er...hobble on a bus toward Omaha. The dissapointing end to a very much anticipated and planned for summer. Doctor appointments and blood clot diagnosis, finger sticks and MRI's confirm I have a torn miniscus (left knee) and a blood clot (left ankle.) So, I've been on blood thinners for the past couple weeks and have surgery on Friday (for which I have been off blood thinners for the past couple days so I don't leak all out...in case you were worried.)

So...this has all been quite the change of plans for my brother and I. He rode on from Boise, arriving in Omaha, NE. last week and has called it quits on account of costing more money being alone. So we're back "home" I think we both feel the adventure of crossing the country still in us. Next Summer...? Surgery first. So if you guys think of it, I would covet your thoughts and prayers as I go in on Friday. I will bike again. :-)

peace and love,

matt

"Weddings make women beautiful."
-Observation from Andrew and Melanie Hrivnaks' wedding.

Ok, this isn't some sort of observation coming from my brain with anyselfish goal in mind. This was simply an observation that I made that I think lines up with the character, personality and wiring of women. The bride. Beautiful, innocent, pure. The white dress. This is every young girls childhood dream. Girls spend their early childhood playing "wedding," they wait for their "knight in shining armour" for this day. The day when they can feel secure in his arms.

To Andrew and Melanie, I love you guys alot. I stand behind you and will be there for you. The wedding was great. Interesting for me as it was now the wedding of a close friend. Odd? yes. Happy? yes. Jealous? ...maybe, but she's out there somewhere and I feel it is written on a young man's heart to go out and find her.

peace,

matt

onedaywhenthingsareover

Why is it.....?

sometimes God makes so much sense.
othertimes God doesn't make much sense at all,
why is it that in these times that he seems forever away.

living the christian life is difficult,
often, non-christians seem to do a better job at "loving thy neighbor" than christians,
why?

why is hypocrisy so easy?
why is trust so difficult?
what is faith?

peace,

matt

Well, if you had not heard - I am back. Unfortunatley? Fortunately? Depends on who you talk to. I personally would prefer to be where I was, touring the country under my own power, on bike. It was awesome, I feel that I will one day complete the journey. Until then....I think it will be nice to be able to get back on here and be able to write with a little less.....levity, for personal expression. Enjoy. Enjoy? We'll see.

So I just finished Terrence Malick's The New World; A very good film. I enjoyed it. The story per Malick's obvious direction often prefered the poetic to the natural or realistic. The editing was at times jarring(again, perhaps for effect) in the end a beautiful and subtle tormented love story that almost had as much to do with the culture as it did the personal differences between the lovers. Q'Orianka Kilcher as Pocahontas was excellent, subtle, implcit, hidden, beautiful. Collin Farrell earned back some of his acting chops after Alexander (or should I credit his make-up artist?) but it is still hard to not think of him wearing Pravda, stuck in a NYC phone booth. The rest of the cast did really well. James Horner's musical composition was adequately beautiful. It was there, it underscored, it set mood....it didn't quite excel for me. But then again what do I know? Overall a good and enjoyable film from a master of old school filmmaking, Terrence Malick knows how to tell a moving story, while avoiding cliche and spectacle.

Thats all,

peace,

matt

I will not be posting here until my return, to hear about our hi-jinx visit rideofpassage.blogspot.com

To all of my faithful, loyal and appreciated readers;

I am not currently here, I am biking across the country and it seemed appropriate to launch a new blog just for that purpose. So if you wait five seconds you will be redirected.

....

.....

Ok, if your're still waiting, you're not going to be re-directed. Do you actually think I am that High-tech?!

but you can totally feel free to manually click here and it will take you right there. Also, the address is as follows; rideofpassage.blogspot.com

peace,

matt

Relating to zombies.
or
Lack of sleep takes its toll.

It has been a long day. It has also been a four city day. I started off in Detroit, MI. at 4am this morning and ended up in Lincoln, NE. via Chicago, IL. and Omaha, NE, all in 5 hours. It has been a long weekend. Very good, great experience. I was working with the ol' production company doing videography for the Bravo national dance competition. It was pretty cool, this week I was more than less in charge of the technical end of production. It all went fairly smoothly. 314 dance routines and only 2 lost entirely, neither were my fault(one was the sound guy's fault, the other was a power shortage...and moment of complete panic.) Great experience. I worked almost 40 hours in 3 days and slept...maybe 12. OI! That's nuts. Now it is Monday of dead week, projects are stacking themselves up, jockeying for my immediate attention, my attention wanes to thoughts of sleep and or biking across America in just under 2 weeks. Thursday night I have a gig through my agency, before leaving for LA.

Speaking of biking across the country. We are doing so in support of Word Made Flesh and The Hope Center for Kids, both are out of Omaha. The Hope Center is a purpose-breathing, day-club for children of inner-city Omaha. WMF works internationally speaking life to the poorest of the poor. The link for pledging your support to Word Made Flesh is up now on my bike trip journal a ride of passage (www.rideofpassage.blogspot.com)
the link for pledging to The Hope Center will be up any day now.

Also! We will be having a going away/fundraising with 100% of donations going to these local charities. So, that goes down on at 6pm on Thursday May 4th at my loving parents house in Omaha, NE. I would love if you could all be there. I would love to see you before I leave. Their address is 11442 Queens Dr. Omaha, NE. 68164. If you need directions please call me(402)730-4823, email me, halfpastnormal@yahoo.com or mapquest.com them.

To my friends,

Hey on May 6th my brother(Nate) and I will be leaving for a 2 and a half month bike trip across America. I will be keeping an online journal for both my own posterity, your enjoyment and my mom's peace of mind. So if you want to check that out it is at rideofpassage.blogspot.com

So there it is, check it out and drop me a line. We are doing this as a benefit to The Hope Center for Kids in Omaha as well as Word Made Flesh, both are non-profit organizations that are focusing on making our world a better place. The Hope Center is doing this in inner-city Omaha and Word Made Flesh has 8 locations around the world. Both of these organizations are very close to my heart. I was a summer intern at Hope a few years ago, and I went to Romania with WMF after high school.

We are having a fundraising potluck on May 3rd or 4th at my parents house in Omaha. I would love if you could make it out and see us off. I will be dropping more information here as we get closer to that time. You will also be able to donate to both charaties on my blog, soonly.

peace,

matt

So, I just got back from my first trip to New York. I was there with my job, a production company that does videography and photography for a touring dance competition. So I was in New York City working. Today was just hung out in the city all day.

I feel like I saw the preview and now I want to spend my $6 and see the whole thing. I wanna go back. We saw Times Square and ate around there, then we bummed around Chinatown for awhile, then went to Ground Zero (which was really more impactful than I thought it would be...since I wasnt in America when 9-11 happened it gave me a visual face to put with a name...wow!) Then we went to the finanical district and saw the stock exchange....then had beers in a cool little lounge before flying home. A fast tour, really cool. There are so many textures in NYC, its like sensory overload. The city, pulses. It is almost alive. Very cool. I wanna go back!

Now, for sleep, I've slept 18 hours in the past 3 nights (4,4, 4 and 6) and I am pooped. Night.

Just go to bed Matt.......


Just go to bed Matt, it will all go Aw ay tom mo r o.....

Watching Jean-Luc Goddard's Classic A bout de Souffle (Breathless);

Patricia Franchini: What is your greatest ambition in life?
Pavulesco: To become immortal, then die.

------

We're off to start shooting our first film project of the year, a lightsabre duel on top of the Mahoney State Park observation tower, at night. Wish us luck.

note: it's really rough. It just came out last night as I was talking to a friend about relationships

Falling through space as I gaze into your face
Grasping for straws as we fall through the canyon

I try to make amends, try to sew it all together
dont know how to live, to make our life better

I am lost and I am drowning, forgotten in a sea of people
'where is the land', no one seems to know

falling, flailing is this how its all gonna end?
blind leading blind, the fallen aiding those falling

sunk and leading the lowly
sometimes I think if only
I could see your face
I'd know my place

'where is the land.' no one seems to know
running a race with my arms outstretched
and my body doubled over.

---------
(Outstreched)
copyright 2006
matt harrell

My life is going crazy, let me count the ways;

Tommorow I have an audition in Omaha at 4:30 - I have to be back in Lincoln at 7pm.

Monday applications, resumes and cover letters are due for Resident Assistant application for next year.

Next week I am meeting with a guy about a paid traveling gig doing videography/photography for a touring dance troupe.

I am taking cycling classes 3 times a week as well as an aerobics class at the REC center for what might be my craziest summer yet.

All that in addition to classes!!!!!!

-----

OH YEAH!!!! ......(In addendum to my last post)

I also thought about We're Back! A Dinosaur Story and how much more believable the animation in that was compared to the CG in King Kong, (for the record We're Back is a cartoon animated childrens film.)

Just went and saw Peter Jackson's King Kong, these are the movies that I thought about while watching it. I mean come on I hat 187 minutes to think. Also, I just read that the version that was released in the Philippines was only 108 minutes. Something tells me they got the better version. ;-)

Jurassic Park: I think we all know why. The reason that JP was what it was is because all the dinosaurs were animatronic.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: At age 9 Peter Jackson saw the original King Kong(1933) for the first time and thats what made him want to direc., I think he also had a small inkling to remake this Rick Moranis classic(reference the huge ginormous bug scene).

Lord of the Rings(I-III): I think Peter Jackson is coming down from his LOTR high, and the withdrawl isn't pretty. They never are. I think about half of Kong was stock footage taken from the LOTR cutting room floor.

Batman(1989): Universal Studios made Batman into a killer ride, I smell park admission being in high demand with the upcoming Kong! the ride. (Please, note we already have a JP the ride.)

The Fugitive: Don't remember exactley why I thought of this, but I did and; "Wow Fugitive was a great movie! and Hey, no Computer Graphic monkeys." Hmmmm....Peter Jackson lets see a 90 minute film some time soon.

Brokeback Mountain: Another movie that I just saw this week, interesting comparisons in theme....loneliness, dirty apes...... Ang Lee has a much better cinematic eye. Also, thank you to Talk Soup for your Brokeback Kong satire, this provided me with all the humour I needed to make it through Kong(2005).

King Kong (1933): Subtlety. Anne Darrow and Kong's relationship was limited to Kong pulling Anne's dress off her shoulder, thats it! I believed their relationship in the new one thanks to Andy Serkis but would agree that it was unneccesary. Speaking of believeing things; a note on CG I think I believed the rear-screen projection and claymation of the original Kong(1933) more than I did the CG Kong and other various mammothly huge creatures in this one.

The Emperor's New Groove: Ok, so the whole vine-swinging-mid-air T-rex battle made me laugh about as much as the similar scene with David Spade, almost as believable too.

King Kong (1976): Charles Grodin makes this a film you can't miss when seeing yet another version of Kong. Yes, that makes this year's version the third for this story. Excessive? I think so. Does this mean that Hollywood has just run out of ideas? 2 of the 3 previews shown before Kong(2005) were also for remakes, you make the call.

running away to save myself the pain.

Schedules are the antagonist of creativity.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!! Who'dve thought that it's already 2006?! Any body else feel like they are getting old?

So....I guess the most refreshing thing about my new year's experience was this overwhelming sense that I got that this is in alot of ways a chance for a new beggining. There is just a sense of new life and new growth as you enter a new year, a chance to change, a chance to grow.

Now, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. As a matter of fact the last resolution that I made was about 7 years ago when I resolved not to make any resolutions. Hmmm.... How clever I was! I guess, I just never wanted to look the potential of failure straight in the face with something that everyone seems to break. It's probably either my fear of failure or my fear of commital. But something feels different this year and as such my new years resolutions:

To spend more time reading.
To spend more time writing.
To spend less time on Instant Messenger, significantly less time.
To spend more time reading the Bible.
To spend more time with people.

Someone once said "Garbage in, Garbage out." So with that I want to be very intentional with the inputs I allow. I also want to manage my time more closely so as to increase my creative output (maybe even learning guitar.)

Here's to change!


----------
The Glazing of my Brain

I just finished watching Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull. Yes, it is all the movie they say it is. I think it is now my personal Scorsese favorite, although I have not been a huge fan of his. Gangs was impressive and I haven't seen Mean Streets.
Is it just me here or does he not seem to like his characters... or he finds sympathy for or creates sympathy in characters that aren't likeable, or don't want to be liked? hmmm...interesting. Take Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver for example.

Scorsese is the master of the McGuffin(after Hitchcock) and it's been a long time since I've seen an actor embody a character to the extent that Deniro did as boxer Jake Lamotta. All of the scenes that they say are amazing are, and a very humorous connection was made in my mind, having seen Boogie Nights and drawing comparisons to the very last shot of that and the very last shot of this movie. Funny, clever, impressive stuff.

In other news, what a game last night! Was anyone else watching the Huskers of Nebraska down in Texas with the boys of Michigan? Fuggehdaboutit.

Man, I wish I were a bronx gangster.

I thought this was way too funny to pass up. Yes it is plagarism, I lifted it directly from CNN.com(Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - AP REVIEW)
----------
Review: Dumber by the 2nd Dozen
(AP) - "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" is an argument for the cinematic equivalent of condoms.

Something's got to come between audiences and Hollywood's incessant desire to sequalize bad movies, or in this case, do a bad remake of a family classic, then follow with an equally dumb second chapter."

-David Germain
Associated Press

It does its thing,
and I do mine.

And when I want it to do my thing
I make it do my thing.

But when I am not doing my thing,
it can do whatever it wants.



on my computer;
-------------------------

PPHHHHH.......(gasp!)....PPHHHHHH......(gasp!) ....PPPPPPHHHHHHHH.......

Slowly the little red ballon begins to take shape.
Each strained moment breathes life into the once formless shape.

phhhhhhhh.......

Round, full and full of life,
this balloon has been inflating for 9 months.

PPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

This rush of air seems different than those before.
Faster, forceful snd more direct.
The shiny object glints in the soft light.
My once ballon, now just a weary skin.
Is this "Rapid Hope Loss"?

My little red balloon
==========
So, this is this, as it stands.
I called my connection to "Coldberg" (the movie I was hoping to work on in Prague) and I guess the movie was Blownout....which is semi-industry jargon for pretty much what it sounds like. Warner Brothers' has dropped the project all together. Dissapointing. So, I will be here, Selleck 6310 next semester, so feel free to drop on by.

In other news this is dead week, next is finals......and life is incredibly busy. I hope to make it through today.

peace,

matt

"Holy crap! Its pretty!" -my reaction to Dr. Zhivago

So I just watched another David Lean masterpiece (Dr. Zhivago). Wow, that guy knows how to make an epic (see also Bridge on the River Kwai and Lawrence of Arabia.)

My thoughts; first of all the composition was absolutley stunning, there were many times during the movie (and you can ask the roomie) that I let out a gasp/sigh at the beauty of the light and framing of each shot. Second thought was that "You can't make a 90 minute love story!" Film makers these days and perhaps, more importantly audiences don't know how to go on a journey with the characters. Most romantic comedies that you walk into these days you already knew the outcome yesterday. It's absurd! What happened to the classics, the epics? Sure, we have LOTR a huge undertaking but so much spectacle. What happened to having opening credits? Audiences these days would walk out if the credits came before the movie, cause thats what they've been conditioned to do. What happened to having Overtures before the movie?! Serious! This movie started out with a seven minute overture! even before the credits rolled!!

Audiences today don't have the patience to wait for a movie to unfold. We don't have the time neccesary to "go on the journey." We live in a fast-food generation where satisfaction, knowledge and pleasure should come now, now, now! And if not now, then its too late. I think this may be the downfall of the internet, of cell phones, of computers and microwave ovens.

Love take time to nourish and develop. It doesn't happen within the walls of a 90 minute film, and unfortunately it doesn't have a place in many relationships. It takes a concerted effort from both parties.

Movies don't often take this "give/take" relationship into account. Mind you a film should expect to bring more to the audience than vice versa, but the audience should at very least come ready to think, not just to be entertained. Where in the history of movies did the balance tip that direction anyways?

"Good marriages are made in Heaven - or some such place." -Gromeko, Dr. Zhivago

Thoughts Screamed from an Inadequate Soapbox

The difference between rock and emo is that rock takes responsibility for its actions,
or at least empowers its audience to change. Whereas emo take more of a victims mentality,
merely complaining about situations that it deams irreconcilable.
Rock beckons a response where emo asks the system around it to change.

"Everyone thinks of changing humanity and no one thinks of changing himself."
-Leo Tolstoy

Got the bulk of my final project for Film Production shot today. I am directing a 40's noir, murder mystery adaptation of The Cat in the Hat and The Cat in the Hat Comes Back. Its been a fun and busy project thus far, got some pick up shooting to get tommorow which will wrap principle photography. The editing and all that.

Well, it is now 4:53am and I have a ballet test I have to be up for in 4 hours. We were shooting till 2am. Wish me luck.

As the credits roll
and the the pictures fade to black,
dies a part of life that could have been.

The memories scream
and the music blares in pain
on a hope that began to wain.

best intentions
and cruel directions
couldn't save this sinking ship.

Skepticism
and inhibition
were the knife that brought it down.

Beauty, tragedy
and love
carried it along.

Torn emotion
and split devotion
lowered to cliche.

The story goes,
the lights come up
and you're gone.

(So the story goes)
the lights go down
and you're not there.

-----
Shattered Dreams & Poetry Screams
copyright 2005 Matt Harrell

"Then the Voom.....
It went voom!
And, oh boy, What a voom!"

-Dr. Seuss, Cat in the Hat Comes Back

Fun - in 10 words or less

snack shack,
the stick shack,
a rickshaw?
Knick-Knack?

Its been awhile since Ive updated, since that one time where that one thing happened to me. It was crazy. Ok, I dont rightly recall it but it must've been crazy. I mean, this is me were talking about here.
So tonight I got off work and went over to a friends for a bit of a get together. Pretty standard stuff with more than a couple people there that I didn't know. About 2 hours later a friend wanted some food, so we went to D'Leons(cheap drunk people's mexican -- which, I was not drunk, this I was driving. Designated Driver) *ahem* A small skirmish broke out in the drive through line. I don't even know why. I wanted to do something about it but considering people's potential "alternate dispositions" (wink wink) I'd better not. We got our food and left, once the excitement had subsided.
Why are people so impatient? Patience is a virtue. (undisputable) Why do people have such a hard time waiting to be satisfied. We live in a world of deadlines and fast food junkies. People who want, and want now now now! We live in a capitalist society where people look out for theirs and theirs alone. It is in this context that I question the success of our capitalistic government that has helped breed a society of complacency. What is the virtue of complacency? There isn't. Complacency isn't a virtue. It can't be. The grasshopper dies in the cold after piddling away his time as opposed to working. Don't be complacent. Wait, for a change and while you're at it take a look at the world through someone else's perspective.

I just got back from seeing Paul McCartney at the Qwest center in Omaha. Wow! What an experience. I actually got paid to see Paul McCartney perform, I was working with his organization Music Lives, you can check it out at Musiclives.org.

Pretty frickin cool if you ask me. Its 2 Am. I am running on 4.5 hours of sleep and have worked 13 of the past 18 waking hours of my life. Crazy. I feel half drunk, I think that means that statistic someone told me is correct.

Last wednesday and thursday, I saw Horizon by and with Rinde Eckert it was everything I would have hoped and some. Definitley worth the two year wait. Thursday I actually had my first ever "gig" with the Cotton Dirty Laundry Tour. I handed out shirts and info on Cotton, I wore some neat clothes and did a television promotion.

Four succesful folk from the entertainment industry were at my school on friday; Mel Efros, Ernie Hudson, Jorge Zemacona and Sandy Benniciano (sp? eeEe) They work mostly in Television but alot of the info crosses over.

As you can see its been super crazy busy, I should actually be sleeping but the McD's coffee I drank to keep me awake on the drive home from Omaha has me hopped up. Stop by to say Hi sometime. Keep it real most of all. Which seems to be the difficulty. and oh, yeah the word of the day is restraint....or Bachnalian(sp?) there is a corelation there, I think you'll be pleasantly suprised.

peace,

matt

Why can't life be more like a Kevin Smith film? I think life might be better as a Kevin Smith film. beneath all the shit there is hope. "One year later..." -Chasing Amy

Why are nights so difficult? Why is it dark out when its cold? Why is it that I can smile through the pain? Monday morning starts in a couple hours. Thats a new start. eh?

"Iam sorry Alyssa....wherever you are." -Chasing Amy(the comic book)

I don't even know an Alyssa!

I get to these uncomfortable places where I see a problem or problems that are facing the world and I want to change all of them now! Then I realize I dont have that ability. So I get this sense that I want to fix all of them in my lifetime. Then I realize I dont have that ability. So I get this feeling that I would like to change one of these problems. Then I realize I dont know where to start. So I start feeling like I should at least make a difference. But that answer seems so easy. And it all seems so heavy, like I cant even sleep.

"How doesn one most effiectively.....and then when should one stop discussing and analyzing and just do something about it?"

I'd like to say that I have the simple answer. BUT I DONT!!!! and I want it. We do, as a whole, but no individual. Step. Deny self. Step. Step. Look to the interests of others. Step. Step. Step. Don't take advantage of others looking out for your interests. Together we can get there.

Yet another short snippet of a thought. I feel like Sammy Jenkis from Memento here.


I never want to lose my sense of awe with the life.

Its not a democracy when you can't trust politicians.

Just attended an early screening of Domino.

It was the most objective movie I've seen since True Romance.
It was the most self aware movie I've seen in along time.
It was very heavy. It said alot.
About fathers and fatherlessness and about trust and media.
And Terrorism.
It had me from "Cat eating alien" to "Something was about to go wrong."

I wouldn't recommend it.

IT'S FALL BREAK!!!!!! Time to go crazy! This past week has been incredibly freaking stressful. So it is going to be nice to have more than an hour at a time to relax this weekend, although I still have alot to do.

I've just watched The Company for a second time in my life. This is a documentary style, narrative film that follows a ballet company. I think the easiest thing to say about this film is that it is utterly beautiful. I will watch it again with anyone who asks. Also, I think this movie has the best realization and actualization of space of any movie Ive seen. The entire movie is a dance, including any scene not on a stage, studio or dance floor. It is the exploration of distance relationships, space relationships. Rhythm. There is something so energetic about dance and engergy that binds us. Not to get all zen but, I think its true and its beautiful. Yet , there is something so un-natural about dance. It is almost a convention of absurdism. Using a unique shape to better express something so human as an emotion. I think Picasso and Fosse might've understood each other quite well. Something so natural, almost innocent (though it can be and has been convoluted - see comment on being zen above), dance is something universal. I think that dance might be the best, and most commonly overlooked media representation of passion(for examples watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Hero.) There is something so...baring, so revealing about music, about dance. It is almost like the opposite of a mask.

This is the reason I am taking ballet. This movie actually. To hopefully understand this better. I'd some day like to produce a work that involves dance. Adding brushes to my quiver...or something.

So I had this wish/thought go through my head today, I wish that everyone (with the exception of those who are already married) could forget about relationships for a period of time. To do this would allow people to really focus on what they really want and really want from life. Think about it! This would make life so much less confusing. I've said for the past few years that girls are confusing, you may be witnessing a temporary change of concept there. Relationships are confusing, because we've forgotten how to trust. We've been hurt. Forgetting about relationships would make things so much simpler. We could be friends again. (sigh)

"I don't wan't to lose heart. I wan't to believe, like he does." -Robert the Bruce, Braveheart.

I woke up this morning and made the simple decision to have a good day. I know that sounds silly, but in light of the events and stress of the past week or so, it turned out to have a major impact. Some days thoughts seem to flow. It seems to be there, whatever "it" is.

"What do we do?"

Just watched Garden State with a group of great people. Before that I watched a theatre production called, The Shadowbox. I thought that in the end it was hopeful, but getting there was tough to say the least. Sometimes I wonder why why wallow around in our squalor. What is the purpose of tragedy? Isnt there some hope. I feel that there has to be, There has to be. Garden State I feel intonates that there is. There is hurt yes, that is not something to be avoided. But also, I dont think it is something to be paraded about and set atop our mantles to look at. Sweet and sour. There is hope amongst the dirge.

"The only Living Boy in New York. -Simon and Garfunkel

Wow,

"Let Go." -Frou Frou

...

If you were to make an Amelie-esque introduction to me as a character, it would have to say that I enjoy eating ice cream out of the container, the smell of a humidifier and driving with my foot out the window. I don't like needles at all, the smell of dry-wall putty or gratuitous content in the media.

I think that the wisest thing to understand is that I am foolish.

It's SO weird that people actually read this.

SOOOO weird.

Thank you, I love you all.

right now I am in the middle of filming a film. Its called The Empty Temple. Temple is UNL's theatre building, my home outside of my dorm(I spend alot of time there), and supposedly (I just learned how to spell "supposedly") its haunted. I guess, I dont really belive it, but its been a fun shoot thus far. I am the boom mic operator (or sound dude, as its called in the biz.) The thing that SUCKS! is that my "boom pole" is a freaking like 15 pound stage mic stand. To Marc and Jeff of the Heart of the City shoot. I take back EVERY complaint that I ever uttered about booming for your show.

The following is a bit un-nerving to me as an aspiring artist. I dont know how to go on a journey!
Which is a very bad thing if you need to know. I seem to be able to find a moment and stick there. I dont know how to get to it. I dont know what to do after it. The fun part with my realizing this tonight, is that tonight I started with something that I am fairly familiar with. Hey, they say to "write what you know" so what better place to start, eh? Frustrating. Cause I now have two pages of dialogue and a little action and I dont know where they go. I have an idea. But I dont know how to get there. I mean, for pete's sake I dont even know these characters names yet! For the moment, the space on the page set aside for their names is filled with "Guy" and "Girl." Yeah, if you must know its an angry break up scene....which I dont know very well at all, but its what happens next that I know. But then, after that I dont know what. Yeah, its a relational drama. Its about hopes, dreams and the death and life of that. Who knows. I dont know what its about. Maybe I'll tell myself that my uncertainty will eventually lead to a senior thesis quality script. Scary! g'night.

"everyone is geniuses when its 130, or theyre drunk." -Emily Potter

Sitting here tonight doing nothing, probably watching tv or something I had a realization and it has to have been the most comforting thought that Ive had in a long time.

I finished Frankenstein last night and started Blue Like Jazz today. Both seem to be very different books. One classic 19th century, the other modern, contemporary. One fiction, one non. I sat in 3 different classes today. One on Stage Lighting, one on Film Lighting, still the other...cant really say that I merely sat in Ballet. Weird. I had a conversation on the phone today with my dad, a conversation about 19th century lit and how to fix his car. I worked out tonight, so as to keep myself in shape. A shape, any shape.

After all that I had a realization today. I realized that I am in spite of what my mother would say, I am nothing special. Ive read some stuff and I can tell you why I liked the movie Crash and why Billy Wilder was a good director. I can now do some ballet-type things, although I cant tell you what they are, cause all the words are in french. But on top of all that I am nothing. Weird, huh? What a freeing concept. Dirt, with life breathed. A creation who knows his Creator...or is trying.

Now the question is, whether to post this or not.

What a weird night,
and if I didn't say, I just might

say Ive had a near ghost experience
and I can't say I've wanted this.

----


Good bye to, and from Omaha. Tommorow morn is move in day for me, down in lincoln. Its been a great summer. Its been a weird summer. Its been a single serving summer. Compartmentalized.

"Lets Boogie!" -Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Leonard Shelby: "I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."

Leonard Shelby: "Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy, yes I will."

Hot tea has all the allure of coffee, without the I'll-bash-you-over-the-head-if-you-don't-find-it feel.

*Random thought I had as I was driving to work last week*



thanks for sharing with me

3:28am and my phone rings. *I am asleep. Unconscious.*

3:30am my phone rings a second time and this time my mind clicks. The painful glow of my cell phone's LED screen burns the words "Mom and Dad" across the caller id. "hello", groggily.

My parents should be asleep in the bedroom that is directly above my bedroom in our split entry house. I should be asleep, but my dad is on the phone.

"Matthew, are you awake?"

"no, yes. why?

"We need you to get up and get dressed with a long sleeved shirt, turn on some lights in the basement and get a couple tennis racquets out of the front closet. There's a bat in our room."

Long sleeve shirt, tennis racquets. Odd ... A bat? Flashbacks of ill-prepared, full-panic commando raids on invading varmints back at the east wing flood my brain.

"ok" Still groggy. That'll change.

I roll out of bed and put on a hoodie and some shorts, nothing fancy, no concern. I open my bedroom door that opens to the hallway leading to the family room. I can hear my dad shuffling about upstairs. ... A BAT!?! It hits me. No more groggy. Like gunshots from an automatic my heart is firing. I grab a tennis racquet, a bat hunter's weapon of choice and proceed down the dark hallway. Crouched in a half walk, half crawl I can imagine myself a marine commando in the wiles of vietnam. I can taste the musk of gun-powder, I can smell the oily scent of face paint.

Flipping on the hallway light I push the hallway door open. Flutter flutter flutter. Vile wings beat in scattered pattern across my family room. My heart is really racing now, out of control. I am concerned for my dad who has just recently had heart surgery. With eyes as peeled as they can be on a creature so spastic, I cautiously make my way to the stairs, racquet raised, steely with the resolve of a frightened 4 year old. Now at the top of the stairs I hit the lights to the room, which flicker on.

Nothing.

"Matthew" My dad's voice breaks the air. He never calls me Matthew unless he's concerned or upset. "Can you get me a racquet." A command, not a request.

We descend the stairs again to the basement and spread out as much as two people can. We have no idea where the flying rodent has gone. So as to ward of an onslaught of alarm we are sure to make plenty noise so as to startle the bat so he doesnt kill us.

Moments pass.

no bat.

He could be anywhere. I could almost feel the bat breathing down my neck. We have no idea where he could be. Hitting furniture in hopes of rousing him from his resting place, time slows.

"There he is." Not my voice, my dad's. I turn in the direction that he is looking.

"No, not in the bookshelf!"

"No, no ... behind."

Ahhhhh..... Crap!

There is a one inch gap between the bookshelf and the wall ... and mr. bat has made his place of rest there.

"Get a net!"

"It won't fit without waking him." says dad.

The next hour is spent in contemplation ... please, remember my logic is still asleep in bed.

"The hand-held vacuum?" suggests dad.

"Not enough suction." ...

"How about using blankets to scare him into?"

"Won't work Matt." ... The humane society is called in and eventually called off.

"We could just board it up and let him suffocate." I suggest

...

As I sit there staring my dad starts taking books off one of the shelves. "Is this about where he's at?" He asks. Taking books off the shelf at the approximate height of where the bat is sleeping behind the thin board that backs the shelf.

"Yeah. About, yeah. What are you thinking?"

"You're sure this is about where he's at? Right behind this board?"

"Yes." I respond. Why?"

....

THUD!!!!

..................

"How long does it take to suffocate a bat?" inquires my dad.

..................

About five minutes later my dad eases his hands off the front side of the bookshelf. The bookshelf re-settles to its full standing position.

"Is he dead?"

"Get the vacuum."


Its now just after 5am.

BLEEDING

BEATING


BREATHING

Its been a weird day for me. Lots of conflicting thoughts. Had an audition that I think went well. Signed with an agency - currently not feeling so sure about that choice. Great friends at a great coffee shoppe. Now The Life and Death of Peter Sellers.

-All along I was smiling, but it meant nothing.-

I fear. I fear that we will be caught with our hands in our pockets hoping, wishing that we had the time to pull them out.

If you believe it
you will become it

If you say it
you will believe it

The Upside of Anger or Just in case your childhood didnt make you angry this movie will make you feel it should have or The Angry Side of Anger.


So as I write this I am currently watching The Upside of Anger, proving two points; one is that it is nearly impossible for me to turn off a movie. Second is that it appears that a movie about an angry single parent is only making me angry with the movie, further proving my first point.

A tragedy is a story in which the characters are seemingly welded to a track which leads to a downfall, events that are tragic in nature. Welded to a track that takes the characters in a direction that it is often painful to watch. Still, and Shakespeare proved this, the choices that most tragic characters seem at the moment logical to the audience, the sign of a good tragedy, usually.

However and now I am just rambling...and yes ranting just a bit...see above comment about anger. A bad tragedy is one where illogical characters make illogical and all-together painful and unmotivated decisions that no logical person would make.

In the end I feel that The Upside of Anger is director Mike Binder's flawed love letter to his broken childhood. I was hoping for some redemption from the cast, especially Erika Christensen who I was very much impressed by in Traffic but even she felt like little more than a plastic doll powering through awkward situations and horrendous dialogue. Kevin Costner is decent, Diane Lane is decent but majorly and almost completely flawed. Mr. Binder I thought we were supposed to feel compassion for at the characters. I do not share your view that all men are slobs and all women are angry because of it.

I am currently looking up statistics and wondering as to why it took 5 production companies to put together this $13 million film. For the record this is the first movie I have walked away from in as long as I can remember.

So for those of you who know me, you might know that I have an appreciation for sushi, and if you didnt know that you know do. So with that I added making sushi to my list of experiences. It was really cool and it tasted good. I would recommend sushi to anyone and everyone. So simple yet complex. So flavorful and healthy. Its almost like the perfect food.

Just got back from Chicago last night around midnight. 3 days away and in Chicago were just what I needed. It was great to see some friends I havent seen in awhile. It all makes me jealous that I am Omaha as opposed to being in Chicago. I love that city. The next 2.5 years pending it is currently the place that I would like to end up shortly after graduation. Saw Navy Pier which, aside from the commercial was very cool. I think I could spend most of my days there just writing. Ivan's performance was good, if thought provoking which it was.

I got my resume off to the writer of the film that I could potentially be working on. Pray that goes well. Lots of good thoughts on the form and function of art as well as its purpose and place.
Batman Begins rocks! Even harder on the IMAX screen where I saw it. Chicago rocks! I dont know why I am living here. Its frustrating. Now I must to sleep or I will be on tired boy at work tommorow.

After spending four hours inventorying a local Shopko department store I have a new goal to fulfill with my life. And that is to never own or wear a pair of pants with the hidden elstic waist expanders stuff. There have it. Also, tommorow CHICAGO OR BUST!!!

peace,

matt

Shattered dreams and poetry screams(disconnected)

As the credits roll
and the pictures fade to black,
dies a part of life that pains me in my sleep.

The memories fade
and the music blares in pain
on hope that begins to wain (away).

Best intentions,
and cruel directions
couldn't save this sinking ship.

Skepticism and
inhibitions
were the knife that held it back.

Beauty, love
and tragedy
carried us along.

Torn emotions
and split devotion
lowered to cliche.

The story goes
The lights come up
and you're gone.

So it goes.
So the story goes.

Irony is reading a chapter of a book that describes a recent-past situation in my life to the T. A chapter which is also now a short film script. A film for which I've been asked to audition for. A chapter about a phone call, that I read just moments before I planned on calling her.

No one should feel the need to feel "sexy" until their wedding night. Attractive? yes. Beautiful? more so still. "Sexy?" No! What message are we trying to send?
I am the bride of Christ. You are the bride of Christ.
Purity. The lost virtue of today.
Live different.

you pull the cord from my mouth
even as I die watching.

wipe that smirk of your face,
you'll never win this

Holy Jumpin-Jellyfish, this-aint-your-grandmother's Batman Begins!

So much has happened in my heart and in my mind and in my life since my last post that I dont even know where to start as far as all of that. But I did just go see Batman Begins and I was very impressed. Christopher Nolan, I love you. Christian Bale, I love you. Cillian Murphy, I love you and am jealous of your eyes. Liam Neeson, you kick ass and I love you. Tom Wilkenson, I love you. Ken Watanabe, I love you. Michael Caine, I want to cast you in something and I love you. Gary Oldham, I love you. Katie Holmes...if youre out there and youre reading this. I love you. Tom is a schmuck, and short. Leave him and we can get old and wrinkly together. Batman had heart, Batman had torment, Batman was a human, sharing with me in the co-existence with the human condition. For the first time in my life I truly appreciate Batman. Before I had said "Batman is just a rich and strong prick with a fancy utility belt." I take that back. Thank you Christopher Nolan, Thank you David S. Goyer (story writer), Thank you Christian Bale. Katie Holme, I love you.

Two movies of note thus far from 2005: Crash and Batman Begins.

Also, just for the record. I hated StarWars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. I was bored. I felt the need to write letters of apology to Ewan Mcgregor and Natalie Portman for some of the dialogue they had to suffer through. Mr. Lucas, please tell the world that you are done, not just with StarWars but with directing in general. Focus your abilities on ILM, your true master piece. Collect the royalties and hole yourself up in Skywalker ranch the rest of your happy existence. Please.

God gives and God takes away.
God closes doors, and makes other ways.
Father into your hands I commit my Spirit.... Not my will but yours be done.

I think that Howie Day said it best when he said "Stop all the world now"

I feel that there is so much going on in my mind/heart....or heart/mind rather that I don't know how to put it down in words. I feel that it is going to come out some time though, and it is all good stuff. I am very encouraged. Have you ever had one of those incredible days where at the end you are just exhausted? That was yesterday for me and even after sleeping nine hours I am pooped.

Iam off to deliver some mail!

"3"

Indecisions goodbye.

Integrity.


"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"The Joy of the Lord is your strength."

-Nehemiah 8:10

"For the glory of God is man fully alive."

-John Eldredge, Waking the Dead

I think I can honestly and authoritatively say that I have the best set of friends ever, and any attempt to argue with thought would only serve to defend that position. My motivation in attempting this point is that you all are willing to live life with me, to question, to teach, to bleed, to love, to cry, to laugh and smile, to live. Thank you.

By the end of the summer my legs are gonna be like rocks. Right now my gluteals feel like fire. Tommorow morning my quads are gonna feel the same if not worse. I just played ultimate frisbee for nearly 3 hours. Awesome! We won. I just pray that I get a "mounted" mail route tommorow, which would mean that I get to drive a truck and deliver as opposed to walk and deliver, cause my legs are going to sting.

Happy Memorial day! Spend some time with the family today.

It would seem that the "summer slump" is taking the reverse, and by that I mean that there seem to be some new folk checking by(either that or the same 2 people are stopping by 4 and 5 times a day...hey if so, Rock On! But if there are in fact new people, I would wish you a hearty Welcome! Drop a line sometime. I think there is a link for feedback or comments or whatnot.

I think I discovered a rift in the space-time continuum today (suddenly the "former trekkies" contingent of my readership perks up.) Yeah, standing in the bathroom at work in the West Omaha Post Office today and I blew my nose, usuing a Kleenex of course. Of course. and well something left my nose...I felt it leave, ok. And I looked at the Kleenex and there was in fact a hole in it and on the other side of the Kleenex, my hand, but no boogie. This brought to my mind some deal of confusion. And yes, I did do some searching around, but no boogie. So, my only logical conclusion...a rift in the space-time continuum.

Then one night, Simba's father appears to him in a vision;

Mufasa: Simba.
Simba: Father?
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No! How could I?
Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba...you are more than what you have become.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.

--The Lion King, Disney (1994)

Randomness, when attempted by human hands still shows evidence of plan and design.

Observations:

Cillian Murphy(28 Days Later, Red-Eye, Batman Begins) may very well have the best set of eyes of anyone that I have seen, why doesn't he get more recognition?

I am really looking forward to seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Who says Matt Harrell can't have fun at the movie theatre in 2005?

John Cusack(Say Anything, Must Love Dogs, Serendipity) is my nominee for most-eligible, cute and sensitive bachelor in a movie roll.

2005 must be the year to make-an-entirely-new-copy-of-a-previously-succesful-movie-and-market-it-by-a-different-name. (ie- Kingdom of Heaven = Gladiator, Flightplan = Contact)

Crash and I ain't talking about no Dave Matthew's song. I've already said too much.

Equilibrium: lost

I should have posted about this before what I had yesterday, but what I wrote yesterday was just so heavy on my brain I had to get it out.

Anywho, I just got back on Sunday from a what felt like a whirlwhind tour of sorts. A whirlwind 7 city tour(Lincoln, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Orlando, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, Omaha.) A crazy-weird sort of vacation that I think one is only afforded when they are an airline employee. Speaking of which, when you fly standby as you do when you are an airline employee you truly are a second-class citizen of the airport. Seriously, as I sat there in the Detroit airport after getting bumped from 3 different flights to either Tampa or Orlando I thought to myself, I feel like the equivalent of a homeless person in the airport. I mean really, no one really cares about you. If you get bumped from a flight the airline doesn't re-imburse you or put you up in a hotel for the night. If you're lucky, they might help you re-list on a later flight. Hmmm...I guess on a lighter note it did only cost me $40 to fly down and back, so thats a plus!

It was a blast. Leaving from here Friday morning I didn't really have a final destination in mind(although I did have a few narrowed down) and Florida seemed to be as good of place as any with the sun and the beaches and all. So after spending 5 hours in the airport I was off to Tampa Bay, off to tampa bay...on 3 hours of sleep. 2 hours of waiting in the airport for my friend to pick me up then a 2 hour drive back to Orlando. A rather chill evening of just catching up on things in each others lives. Driving around Orlando and seeing the various sights her apartment, downtown disney, etc.... Finding a hotel(the first ever that I have rented) some TV and some sleep.

Wake up call. Saturday morning. Wake, shower, pack, eat and I am off to Animal Kingdom with my good friend Sarah Epperson, where she works. Wow, in retrospect we did SO much at Animal Kingdom in the brief like 5 hours that we were there. The Tree of Life and Its Tough to be a Bug, Tarzan Rocks, The Safari, The Lion King Show, Rafiki's Train Ride thing, ummm.....and Dinoland or Dinosaur Expedition or something. It was all alot of fun, although I was tired. I met my three goals for the trip by Getting out of Omaha, Hanging out in the sun and Hanging out with my friend.

So straight from Animal Kingdom to the airport where I get bumped from one flight before before making it onto an alternative flight to Indianpolis...where there are no more flights home by the time I got there. So I got myself a hotel(#2 if youre counting) and let me tell you King Size Beds are HUGE!!!!! I think that I only saw about a quarter of it the entire time I was there. Sleep. Zonk. I am pooped. 5 hours later. Wake up call, shower, eat, pack and I am back at the airport. Short hop to Minneapolis with 3 hours till my next flight.

What to do? Well, Mall of America is somewhere in this big town. Right? So the obvious answer is to find it and go there. Which I did. (Public Transportation ROCKS!!!!) So yeah, I found a monorail of all things to bring me to the mall and walked around for awhile. Now. To those who think that the Mall of America is big enough that it should require like a week to see all of it. You are all wrong. I think I walked 75% of it in an hour and a half. Mind you, I didn't do much shopping. I didn't really have money or anything pressing to buy and also they closed the super cool toy store that I think took up half of the time we were in the mall with my family a few years ago. I was bummed.

But things go and as such I went back to the airport. To Lincoln, drive to Omaha and sleep!

I feel fat. My saying that should make some realize the lunacy of when they say that statement. It doesnt matter. I played serious ulitimate frisbee tonight with a bunch of people and it was awesome. My chest feels like burning. My legs feel like rocks...more specifically Pop Rocks that if you were to touch water to them they would burst. It was wonderful. Maybe it was the 6 oz. steak that I ate before I played, but I feel fat.

And oddly, outside of my game of frisbee I dont feel that I am talking about my physical body. I am thankful for the body I have, thankful that everything works. Thankful that I am healthy. But I still feel fat. More specifically I think I would say that I feel complacent. Maybe thats it. My mind feels fat, my spirit feels fat, my heart feels fat. Lazy. Complacent.

Complacency is -- A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy. Dictionary.com (I even feel complacent in this moment for using a websource dictionary.)

The Grasshopper in the story of the Ants and the Grasshopper was complacent. He put off gathering food for the winter figuring that he had plenty of time. Instead he widdled and fiddled his time away dancing and playing is guitar. The ants toiled on.

Complacency in my mind is a feeling of "I've arrived and I don't have to fight anymore." or "That there is more time to fight later." In my opinion a bad place to be. But that is where I am. Now, trying to fight my way out of it. So many things in my life have changed in the past year. Like I said to a great friend awhile back; "I am miles away from where I was yesterday." I feel that alot of the questions that I had been asking for so long have begun to be answered. I feel more sure of my salvation today than I did a few months ago. That can be a scary place to be.

The Bible says to "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling."(Phil. 2:12)

Too many things can way a man down. Too many things have weighed me down. A very wise woman once said that "Hunger drives a man on." (Shirley Harrell)

I feel that God said to me yesterday; "For that which He hath set free is free indeed. Now walk ye in that freedom." and also, then a little later I feel that He said to me "Don't move until I tell you to move." I guess, I dont know exactley what those mean together yet but I am ready.

Thats what I think its about. Being ready for God to move to tell you too move. Not being weighed down by junk, by things, by whatever...fill in the blank. I think God called us to be warriors and most warriors dont carry their kitchen sink around. Where am I getting with all this? I really don't know. Most of this has just flowed. I don't know that I am telling you to sell all of your possesions and give them to the poor, but Jesus might...and the Bible did. Be ready to move. Because in alot of ways I think that if we are not ready to move on our own.

Then, I think that we will be moved against our wills. If we say that we believe it, mean it.

I don't know what more to say. I would love to hear feedback. halfpastnormal@yahoo.com

I am in the boat too. Lets go together.

Freedom was only meant for those who can be trusted to handle it responsibly.

The Storm

The fire in a windsbreath
the steam in the storm

The power
magnificence
and fury of a thousand angels raining down

Raindrops on my glasses
what a pretty sensation

The wind
rain
and beauty, a source of hope for new life

The old is burned away
the new comes shining through

The beauty in the tumult
the breath amongst the storm

Rumble
thunder
and repitition

The storm.

ROCK IT ALICE COOPER!!!!

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!

ITS ALL OVER!!!!!

IF YOU WANNA PARTY LIKE ITS NEVER BEEN PARITED LIKE GIVE ME A CALL!!!!

GOODBYE LINCOLN!!! GOODBYE POUND 811!!!! YOUVE BEEN GOOD TO ME!!!!

SEE YOU NEXT FALL!!!

BUT NOT A MOMENT SOONER!!!!

one word to describe how I feel right now: EXUBERANCE!!!!

"Marla... the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't. " -Narrator, Fight Club

That about sums it up. Oh yeah, also find and listen to Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional the only part of everything that it doesn't mention are the two birds flying around Wal-mart.

So I just got back from a 3 day 6 city tour (Lincoln, Minneapolis, Austin, San Antonio, Memphis, Omaha) and it was Awesome. Seriously, as a college kid one may not think that a weekend vacation with their parents and grandparents would be that exciting...and it wasnt really that exciting, but that was the excitement of it all. For 2 days I feel like my life went about 2 miles per hour. Sitting around and just connecting. Learning about my grandparents past, their lives their legacy.

So it was a great weekend. Flying with my parents (for $40 each way no less!) It was a very encouraging weekend. Many epiphanies and revelations. Inspirations. I did some writing on the flight home this afternoon that I really, really liked. I am excited to see the direction it takes in the next couple of days. Look for that soon. Other than that I am back at school in lincoln in a partially "moved out" room, so it is kind of boring.

A job interview at the Post Office on Wednesday(pray, please) , A final on Thursday, Move the rest of my junk home Thursday, My Brother Nate's Graduation on Friday!

Awesome.

"Hunger drives a man on." - My mom.

Depth is what creates dimension.

How's that for pedantic?

Think again.

SAN ANTONIO OR BUST!!!!! I'll be back on monday.

Memories will kill ya man. Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind? Its really good, interesting...painful. Its muse is memories and its vehicle is relationships. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. I also just watched Sideways tonight, a very nuianced movie...wine is the medium and the film pours and tastes just like the people, the wine it represents.

Moments of reality. Not on screen. Not on tv. Real moments.

The only significant relationship on the stage or screen is that between the actor(or the image) and the audience.

Thoughts Screamed from an Inadequate Soapbox!

Will this be the American New Wave? To borrow a variation on the term French New Wave(Nouvelle Vague?) Will it be that the american contribution to art will be the next step of incredibly talented people creating art that looks like they didnt take much time on it? I dunno, just a thought/quandry as I see things in society moving towards the fashionably laid back. I see shirts that scream at me "I DONT TRY TOO HARD." It is popular at the moment to tell the world that you really dont care that much. Will this be the American New Wave?

Watched some Cirque de Soleil last night on Bravo and was utterly impressed and inspired.

Going to church this morning.

Then Chicago --the mucisal this afternoon.

Then I am acting in a friends short film project.

Then I am editing my short film project.

WATCHOUT!!! Its gonna be an awesome day!

"Its a beautiful Day!" - U2

The Psalm of the day is Psalm 91. So much so is it the Psalm of the day that I feel the liberty to post it in its entirety.

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most Hight will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress my God, in whome I trust." Surely He will save you from the fowlers snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my
salvation.

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in completely unrelated news i thought i had seen everything at wal mart but tonight something more to amaze me at wally world two birds flying around the store hmmmmmm

also on the way home from wal mart there was a guy standing on R st like shadowboxing or sparring by himself

my suggestion or exortation for the week is to give organized religion a try

Worms on wet cement
think about that.
In terms of hope and desperation.
In terms of perseverance and seeking.

Worms on dry cement, dry
think about that.
In terms of hope and desperation,
in terms of perseverance and seeking for something real.

Fat guy on a little horse. 

Society of Respect...?

So this is gonna be pretty rough. Its been awhile since Ive laid out my thoughts like this so forgive me also, forgive me if I offend you. PLEASE respond with your comments, its the only way we can all learn.

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A few weeks ago I got an idea for a story to tell that would've basically been about a high-school age guy, who was very well immersed in the popular culture of his school. He does decently in school, participates in after school sports and goes to plenty of parties. Along the way he would've become involved in a couple of people lives in ways that most of us do not experience. And in the end he would have learned from the error of his ways and hopefully found some form of resolution and change in his life. (especially in all of its vagueries---vagueries? Not a word.)

Ok, so maybe not the best story (especially in all of its vagueries---vagueries? Not a word.) But more important than the story was the thing that I was trying to make plain. As a working title for the story I was thinking along the lines of "What it is and why it shouldnt be." Confused? Basically I was going to attempt to gang tackle next to all of the problems surrounding sex culture in out society(allow me to be blatant.) So as I continued to work this through in my head and as I talked to friends (not about the story, but about events - their lives, my life) I realized that what I was attempting to do was so much bigger than I could capture in the moment on paper. I was struck by this idea of respect and how deficient our society is of this capstone.

WE HAVE CREATED A PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE!!!!

I really think we have. We've created a cycle in our society that doubles back on itself for its problems and confusions. Please, ride this out here, I am not pointing fingers except to all of us. We live in a society where females have been completely and utterly objectified by males. Think about it. I'm not even going to site the crippling rise in porn sales. I am not going to look at MTV and their wiles. I am not going to peer at the music industry as it stands and lay the blame. Lets look. Sex is everywhere these days. Everywhere! If you dont believe me take a look through the sunday morning ads. When toilet bowl cleaners are being sold by a revealingly dressed woman. Men objectify women, and women allow themselves to be objectified...its not that easy but you get the idea.

In a world without valour and honour
Princesses fall for Ogres and
become hags when they lose their Dreams.

Be a knight of shining armour
a knight who'll fight the good fight
and slay the dragon to win his princess.

Demand and dream to be a princess
A princess who deserves not a king
but a knight who'll sweep you off your feet.

I started looking into Study Abroad programs today, lots of information. I am excited! ...and very tired, I dont do well on 3.5 hours of sleep.

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. You know, the kind where the spot in the very center of your brain wants to reach out and touch every other place in your head but just can't.

I just wanted to share that thought with you, me, whoever reads this.

Write something about Perseverance.
Need to write something on Perseverance.
I want to write something about Perseverance,
about fighting complacency.
About the fight between what is momentary
and what is forever.
What I want my life to mean,

The epitaph question is so cliche.
Relationships not things and accomplishments.
People not prizes,
thats what makes the difference.
My kids, my friends, wife, family, my enemies.
Thats what matters.
My God that's what.


More on that later.
Its funny that on my music playlist the song Everything in its right place by Radiohead is sorted out of order.

The day is Monday, March 14th. It is the first official day of spring break! Although for me, I have technically been on break since Thursday afternoon! Its great! Though unfortunatley I am spending the week in the Omaha/Lincoln area, just relaxing and spending time with pals...exactley what I need. I worked tonight, but actually got sent home because I haven't taken my labret piercing out. Which hasn't really been a big deal up until this point AND my supervisor didn't seem to have the courage to come tell me himself, so he sent his assistand manager, I thought that was silly, but oh well no skin off my nose I got to go home 2 hours early.

I will be going to Minneapolis, MN. friday afternoon. Afternoon? I here you ask. Yes, working for the airline has its perks and I intend to fly up friday morning and fly home friday evening and either spend the day at Mall of America or in Downtown Minneapolis. Either way it will be an adventure, hopefully Mike or John or Jeff will join me up there.

Tommorow I am going to the funeral of "Grandma Dee" not a biological grandmother, but a honorary grandma none-the-less, more accurately I would say I was her honorary grandson..me and my brothers. She was our next door neighbor in my old neighbor and I have loads of great memories of her and her house. God bless her.

I just finished Fight Club in its original format(well, the novel. It was a short story before that but...details) and whewph! I think that the movie did an excellent job. It was sort of an expounded and abridged version of the Chuck Palahniuk(author) book, by David Fincher(director.) The book just has some extra little details and notes that make the story even better. The film fills with visuals that just cant be catered to in word form. The book, the film, the story would be one of the most mind trippiest works I've ever experienced. Also on that list: The Matrix and Primal Fear. Funny part is that Edward Norton was in all three.

No? He wasn't? You're right. But just imagine if he had played Neo in The Matrix...imagine it.

Now that I think about it also on that list would be: Requiem for a Dream, Snatch and Mulholland Dr.

Fight Club is a story about anarchy, about sacrifice about life. It is a story about death, it is a love story. Fight Club is a story about soap. A story about Change, revolution, anarchy(which is in and of itself a flawed concept - but thats for later) But above all, Fight Club is a story about soap.

To the un-believers or detractors from the thought of Fight Club the musical(if this is the first you're hearing about it check out this website) I think the beauty of the concept of the musical can be summed up in this line;

"Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."

Try to think for a moment of a more elitest group than those who regularly attend a broadway performance. The only group that I can maybe think of is the 500 Club, and they are fairly likely to be in the same company as those who attend shows regularly.

I think its brilliant. All of it. We'll wait and see.

~But in the end I don't think that anarchy will prevail. Only so much can be gained through violence and power. Power must be given, in order to be obtained. "A gentle answer..." The revolution of non-violence of peace, will be a long lived one. A hard battle to obtain in this callous, war riddled society of greed and capitalism. I dunno. ~ I'm out.

THIS IS FOR IVAN:

You know that you are being spoiled by your car's remote keyless entry system when you wish that your dorm room had remote keyless entry.

I HOPE YOURE HAPPY!

Yeah, this past weekend I spent going to and coming back from San Antonio, Texas with the purpose of picking up my new car(a red 1998 Buick Century) and seeing my grandparents. I completed both of my objectives as well as spending alot of quality time with my pop. With that said, I am now safely and soundly back in Lincoln, Nebraska. Where would you like my next adventure to be to?

Why is it so easy to be apathetic?

halfpastnormal: "Yeah, it was just a simple day and I really did feel happy about it being my birthday."

Life IS full of Colours! Full of hope! Its just that sometimes we cant see the flowers through the rain.

Who could've asked for a better day? Its 38 degress in Nebraska at 1am in the middle of January!!! Its amazing, the weather is beautiful. Who feels like a picnic.

The only thing that could've made today any better is if the computer lab would've been open when I got there at 8:40 this morning so I could've typed my freaking script before my class but oh well.

I looked around online tonight at some different colleges and I am just blown away at how Lincoln's program compares(or doesn't.) How did I get duped into going here?!? Darn you! Matt...(cant remember his last name) who I knew from my Highschool 745 live days and he was in Macbeth when I came and saw it here and said it was a really good program. Darn me for not much looking into it before I came. Fiddle-sticks to Mark Hoeger who told me that the program was really good because it integrated many different art forms together to reach film. "The program" sucks! Right now, University of Chicago, Art Institute of Chicago and USC all look tasty, but there is still much looking to do.

Lincoln is just so small, as a town, as a college, as a mindset.

"Jump from the cliff to fly, not to fall." - Remember No Fear clothing? yeah, buddy!

The best part of it being cold is the tears freezing to your face, but even that doesnt remove the pain.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! (in frustration and anger.)

I slowly lie back and the warm ocean waves break over my shoulders.

*Wow, that sounds really good rignt now. I was going to creatively use the ocean as a metaphor for plugging back into my highspeed cable internet as compared to dial up at my parents house, and use that to just explain that I am not back in Lincoln. But after typing that first sentance that just sounds like too much of a dream to mess with at the moment.

peace