Torn like two-ply toilet tissue

So, There seem to be these times in life where an OBVIOUS answer just doesn't seem to exist. Usually this period of confusion follows the question of "What should I do next?"

I feel like I have a solid answer to "What do I want to do with my life?" and that is; To use less and to love more.

Which may sound kinda vague, and that may be the reason I like it so much. Vague leaves alot of room for freedom, and if one is willing to live with accountability and not use their freedom to be lackadaisical then I think alot of good can come from it. I guess, its the difference between the successes (and failures) of democracy and the successes (and failures) of socialism. People are willing to live more of their convictions (and contribute more) to society if they are acting under their own impetus, rather than the forced will of the government (or The Man.)


Why have we turned (all of our) relationships into formulas? You do this and this and this and then you get or give this and this and this, and then this happens and your relationship is better for it. Presto! Why does everyone's Christian walk look the same? Read. Worship. Pray. Presto change-o! Yikes, that scares me.

So I am applying for Teach for America (http://www.teachforamerica.com/). TFA is a corp of people who start as beginning teachers in "under-privileged" areas, trying to share some of the opportunity (and hope) they've been given in building relationships with students in the classroom. TFA is, and can seem like a romantic idea, which I don't believe it will be in all practicality. Over the past few months of the application/interview process I've read many accounts of both the "Happily ever afters...." and the horror stories from teachers who have hated it.

I guess, ultimately the question is where do I think I could do the most good? The options are roughly TFA or Omaha, NE. I would love to start a community house of sorts in Omaha, encourage people to start bike-commuting, using less, re-cycling and generally and living more sustainably. I already know alot of people in Omaha and feel that it would be building this sort of thing with some sort of starting foundation, or going about it from scratch. Thoughts?

My office job is closing at the end of this month, which throws me for yet another decision loop. Yikes. So I find myself in a city where I don't really feel that I should be in half-waiting out a lease that ends in July waiting with my hands-tied to make decisions. So there you go. Are you as confused as I am? =)

Of Puerto Rico and being handed the keys to "Jurassic Park."

So we got back from Puerto Rico Saturday evening. Whiplash. It was 85 and sunny on the beach on the PR, 24 hours before we landed in Chicago. Walking back to my apartment from the EL stop in shorts it was 30 and windy.

Puerto Rico was amazing. Just what the doc. ordered in terms of getting away from the stresses of my hectic working life. It was pretty much 80 the entire time we were there. We spent alot of time on a various number of different beaches, all of them gorgeous. If you've seen a postcard and that postcard has a beach pictured on it, then most likely the beach pictured is in Puerto Rico, regardless of whether or not the name on the postcard says Jacksonville or Venice Beach.

The water in Puerto Rico is blue, which is different than the poop brown color that the ocean is right off our coasts. The sand is most often white, which is probably the reason is so blue.

We spent alot of time snorkling, we saw alot of things Barracudas, Crabs, Sea Slugs (which we tormented until they "inked" their load (which we have video of here). We saw Puffer fish, Sting Rays and Regal Tang fish (which is what Dory was from the movie Finding Nemo - theyre alot less annoying in real life.)

Most nights we camped on beaches, sleeping to the crashing surf.

One day we drove west on the island to see the largest satellite in the world (Aricebo Observatory) which was featured in the movie Goldeneye and also Contact. It was pretty cool. We were planning on camping at a near by national forest, but when we got there found that it was closed (Like many other things on an island that apparently moves more slowly than here.) We found two guys working in the machine shop behind the main office, and asked what the deal was. They re-itterated that it was closed and told us that we were pretty much hosed since it was nearing dark and the next nearest campsite was quite a ways away. The looked us over and handed us the keys.

Yes, the keys to a national park in Puerto Rico. Pretty flippin' awesome. We have pictures. As you can see it pretty much looks like Jurassic Park, and since none of Jurassic Park was actually shot in Puerto Rico (sorry guys) we decided to tell people that we pretty much slept in Jurassic Park. It was a great night out, so we decided to sleep under the stars. Falling asleep to the sound of crickets, and Koki frogs....which we told ourselves were Brontosaurus and Velociraptor (what? I was home-schooled, I have an over-active imagination.)

On Thursday of last week we left the main island of Puerto Rico by ferry for the island of Vieques, where we snorkled some more and paid visit to a Bioluminescent bay. Which can sort of be seen here (but think, this is a small fish, imagine swimming in it!) I could "Hadouken" (for you old school 16-bit gaming geeks out there) my brother from a good four or five feet away and a stream of light would hit him. Pretty cool!

More jokes and relating, than can be related here. More fun than can be related here. I will always argue that its not what you do its who you do it with. And the thing that makes trips like this priceless are the people you go with. We went as a group of six, I didn't know three from the group before we left, but it was fantastic. A friend of mine David Chronic said to me once that "Scarcity creates community." Its always cool to put yourself in a situation with a group of people that you're all unfamiliar with, and with less than you have in the average day (essentially what you have in your hiking pack) and to live and learn from there. Pretty cool. Hmm...no wonder I like the idea of community living so much. Anyone else wanna move somewhere together?

peace,

matt

p.s. - here are the links to the photo albums which we uploaded from the 5 digital cameras that traveled along.

Kristen's Gallery
Nate's Gallery
Seth's Gallery

Friday, February 22, 2008

Oscar predictions (not that it matters) Here it goes, faster that you can say The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (my hand cramped up just typing that.) Best Picture - No Country for Old Men (Ive been saying it since October, maybe longer.) Best Director - Ethan and Joel Coen - No Country for Old Men Best Actor in a Leading Role - Daniel Day Lewis - There Will be Blood(Brooding!) Best Actress in a Leading Role - Julie Christie - Away from Her (which I havent seen.) of the films I have seen Ellen Page should win. Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men(Terrifying!) Best Actress in a Supporting Role - Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There (Brilliant!) Best Original Screenplay - Diablo Cody - Juno Best Adapted Screenplay - Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will be Blood Animated Feature - Ratatouille - though, Persepolis was the better "film" Documentary - No End in Sight - The Academy WILL not risk another Michael Moore rampage. Foreign Language Film - Falscher Die Best Cinematography - Janusz Kaminski - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Its Janusz Kaminski for crying out loud.) Best Editing - The Bourne Ultimatum, but No Country for Old Men Should win. Best Achievement in Art Direction - Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (I WILL NOT predict Atonement for anything) Best Achievement in Costume Design - Elizabeth: The Golden Age Orignal Score - 3:10 to Yuma (Brilliant, by far the best score here, but I would love to have seen a No Country nom here.) Sound - The Bourne Ultimatum Sound Editing - Transformers (why was Live Free or Die Hard not nominated?) Visual Effects - Transformers (I WILL not vote for Pirates 1, re-warmed thrice) Best Doc. Short Subject - Sari's Mother Best Animated Short - I Met the Walrus Best Live Action Short - Om natten There you have it.

"Perception is reality." Is perception reality or does it simply define (shape) reality? Yes, I think perception shapes reality.

I was sitting in the international terminal of O'hare airport enjoying a few last hours with my brother and sister-in-law who are (as of the time of writing this) about halfway to London. They are moving to Sierra Leone for three years to serve amongst the poorest of the poor. (rhetorical question alert) Why dont more people do this? (rhetorical question alert)

I thought that between my brothers and I we've been to quite a few different countries and experienced quite a few different cultures, we've seen quite a few different local (micro) realities that make up a greater picture (lets call it macro-reality) or just Reality. What is the correlation between Reality and truth (or Truth)? Often it is easier (I think) and sometimes looked down upon to assume that there is absolute Truth. But, I do believe in absolute Truth, I strongly and firmly do. What that absolute Truth is I don't know and don't think that we'll ever have irrefutable evidence toward it.

At the tender, young age of 25 I feel like I've read my fair share of books, Ive experienced quite a few crazy/cool things, I feel like Ive learned quite a bit. Yet all I can say that I know authoritatively is my own opinion(and even then, sometimes that's sketchy.) I even feel that it would be pretty arrogant for me to say that I "know" Truth. All it takes is one humbling walk through a library archive to realize all of the things in life that you do not know or understand. The stacks and volumes of material which you've never once breached in your mind.

The Bible even eludes to this when it talks about seeing in a mirror darkly..."For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 (KJB)

I think what we mean when we say we "know" Truth is that we believe Truth. Faith. Faith is huge. Faith takes an experience. In many religious cases a relationship or some other manifestation of things which we cannot begin to grasp. Perhaps, faith is alot like trust, "This person caught me before in the past when I fell, perhaps they will catch me if I fall again. Yes, I believe, I trust."

I currently own three Trek (brand) bikes and have been very pleased and impressed with their performance. You could say that I am a firm believer in the Trek brand (and I think you'd be correct in saying so.) Yet my brother owns two Giant bikes and seems happy there. His experience backs his belief, my experience backs mine (and believe it or not, we do co-exist happily.)

Does this mean that my perception affects the nature of Truth? No. But I do also believe that our minds are too small, too finite to begin to grasp "Truth" in this life time. Does it mean that my perception shapes reality? Yes, maybe. If you're into quibbling semantics. If we got all of the 6.5 billion individuals together in one big forum and had it out about Truth and afterwards published an exhaustive work regarding Truth, we might be a little bit closer to an understanding. Or at very least we would have a more informed, more universal approach toward what we're calling "Truth."

Perhaps, within dialogue our definition of Truth can only be made stronger. With your understanding of Truth combined with my understanding of Truth we may be able to see a still clearer picture. "With our powers combined, we are Captain Planet!"

Beards are "in." The day of the clean-shaven slacker are over. I just got back from seeing Iron and Wine so you know why I think so. I am pretty convinced that Singer/Songwriter Sam Beam has a few birdies nested in there. And they're happy about it too, with his laid-back/friendly demeanor those speckle-throated swallows couldn't be happier. It sure beats that dump up there on the tree branch thats for sure, and warmer too.

Thats the thing about Iron and Wine, you know through his lyrics that he's seen his share of hard times. You get the feeling that he understands, and yet through his sweet, un-wavering voice you just get this sense that it's gonna be ok. You know, I have to think that it will be.

I walked out feeling as though I'd just gotten a nice massage, relaxed, mellow, ready to take on just about anything. At this point however, sleep seems to be the best option, I am prepared.

http://www.halfpastnormal.blogspot.com

I was on a break from work a few months ago, sitting on one of the columns in front of the Italian Sports Hall of Fame in Chicago. A friend of mine had stepped out of Starbucks where I work in order to grab a smoke. About 30 feet apart we didn't talk, I didn't see her. Later she told me that she wonders what Matt thinks about at times like this. I told her I didn't know, and proceeded to make another Latte, probably non-fat, maybe no foam, almost certainly over-priced and not needed.

I've realized that I think alot, perhaps too much. Some say thats not possible, I think they're just encouraging me toward my sanity. =) I love them.

A friend asked if I'd been journaling lately. I told her "no." But I need to be. And I do need to be, so here we go. I haven't blogged in a long time but need to get into it again. I haven't been writing much recently and I am hoping that my more informal tootlings on here will encourage the grey matter in the fictional field. Sure, I am working on a couple scripts. But I think it's the ideas shared here that will flesh out in script form elsewhere. In any case I invite you along in this less-intrusive-than-email form. I choose to post as opposed to email for that reason. So you can read if you like and you can not read if you like. The thing I want to avoid is having a platform. I wish this could be more discussion based, cause I think the only way any of us can really learn is together. I consider myself an expert in no field, other than my own opinion (which is probably half-wrong 50% of the time.)

So with that, check back, comment back, write back, call, communicate as you will. I need you, and perhaps together we can learn some stuff. These are my thoughts and you can read them at


http://www.halfpastnormal.blogspot.com

This is an email, I originally wrote and never sent nearly 6 years ago. Its interesting/funny to go back and see what has stayed the same and what has changed in my life.

eastward ho!, a bowl of chili and the end of a dynasty

Hey hey everybody!!! Well here we are again, the end of a, once new year, the out set of yet another, the next step in the finite puzzle that comes together to form the existance that is ours. Where have we come from? Where are we going? Questions that we all must delve into. Another Christmas, a season of Joy, reflection and looking to the year that stands emminent on our doorstep. Any attempt to ignore it proves to be futile. We must look to the new year, we must look to change. What have we done? Where has it gotten us? Is there a margin of error? Or room for improvement? Will we sit and hope that our current direction will hold true for yet another year? Or will we change that path in hopes of making the world a "better place." Will our failures help us grow or leave us floundering? New years resolutions, everyone has them, and everyone breaks them. Will you stick to yours? Can I stick to mine? Will this year be the year that things change? Just as we ask every year. Can we change ourselves in order to change the world? Leo Tolstoy once said "Everyone thinks of changing society but no one thinks of changing themself." Lets go or fail trying, with the pride of having at least tried.

This past year has been a year of growth and change for me. Just over a year ago I was returning home from Romania, most of you were kind enough to come along with me in prayer and support. Coming back and facing the changes and inner-conflicts that this trip taught me about the life we live, desiring to know Jesus heart for the poor and our role in that. Since then, I have had three jobs, Midwest Express Airlines(baggage handler) Marriot Hotel Reservations(ummm...telephone hotel reservations agent) and China Buffet(server) and learned the 'joys' of working a 70 hour work week and functioning on -literally, little to no sleep at all. I had the opportunity to return to Romania with a youth team from my church. I have attended the University of Nebraska at Omaha for a semester, often at the cost of my sanity as term papers went un-typed up till the night before they were due. All of that, barring the millions of boring details, brings us to now and onward.

Well, In the next few days I am moving out(lets change that to 'a few days ago'), to a house with a bunch of guys from church, down at 38th and Farnam. I am taking a semester off of school in order to work and save up for this coming fall, in which I hope to attend the University of Nebraska at Lincoln(GO BIG RED-proud and un-abashed after this past season.) I will be turning my program of study from broadcasting to Film Studies at UNL. What this will ultimately do for me, I do not know. But one desire of mine is to direct films, when I grow up. This summer I hope to be in the city of Minneapolis. Helping out on the movie set of this SUPER cool guy that I know. With all that, again barring all of the details about this next year that I dont know yet, brings us to this point next year. I will probably be sitting at this same spot in my house typing an email similar to this one.
Will this next year drop us off in the same place we picked up, unsatisfied with a bad taste in our mouth? Will we come to this place: 2003 still holding the same frustrations? Will we sit and watch as the world slowly drifts by or can we get up and make a difference? Can we change ourselves in order to change the world? It only takes a spark to start a forest fire, why is it that the spark is the hardest to produce? As we step into the new year lets light that spark and allow that to be our catalyst.

I guess that optimally I would close all of this out with a big stunning presentation of THE one thing that I think we should all strive for. Unfortunatly I dont have a universal propoganda of this magnitude at this time. I would contend however that all of us can think of at least one thing that they would like to change in their own life, and we can think of a number of things that we would like to change about society. Lenin once said, "Without a revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement." This would be to say that there is always a beggining to any revolution. Why do you think that there is a marked 'historical site' at all of the major revolutionary 'birth places'? Because this is where the masses gathered, this is the place where the peoples conscious was stirred, this is where emotion was aroused, and something changed. Kingdoms have had their rise and fall on revolutions. Regimes have seen their power come and go. Whats the hardest part of accomplishing any task? Where to start, right? It usually takes something to motivate us to 'get off the couch and do something.' Perhaps, this could be the start we are looking for, Perhaps we can all work together to push and encourage everyone. Perhaps we can change the world. Lets Go.

"everyman dies, but not everyman really live."
-William Wallace, Braveheart

"...I dont want to lose heart, I want to believe."
-Robert the Bruce, Braveheart



peace,

matt

my new contact information is as follows,

3819 Farnam st
Omaha, NE. 68131

phone number,

(402)933-8973

email,

thetick91@yahoo.com

please, call or drop by anytime, I would love to hang out and show you around.

I am blessed with the most amazing friends and family in the world. Thank you for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours.

On my way to work this a couple days ago, biking through the falling snow I saw a guy with mohawk, full, and probably 10" tall. I was sort of jealous.

On my way to lunch, I was approached individually by two different Green Peace'rs; "Would you like to help save the whales?" I wanted to, I really did. Part of me is pressed by the fact that I have loans to pay off. Part of me is pressed by the other guy I saw down the street, hunkered down next to a building, shivering, cold, with a sign next to him that said; "Broke and Alone. Please help" in hand scrawled, permanent ink on corrugated cardboard box that was beggining to deteriorate as the snow around it melted. I thought to myself; that guy might be more honest with his humanity than most people I know. Who isn't Broke and Alone? Was he talking about being broke financially or just as a human, broken?

Part of me is concerned for the whales. Ok, truth be told, a big part of me is concerned for the whales. I feel that if we don't begin to take preventative measures now, then what is affecting the whales and polar bears today will be effecting humans, us, tommorow.

Part of me realizes that what is affecting the polar bears is already affecting humans. People are dying at an alarming rate and we are for the most part, not alarmed.

People often ask me why I bike (particularly when its 10 degrees out and snowing.) I'am often unable to articulate a sensible reason, but as I've thought about it, Ive been able to formulate a decent idea as to why I bike.

Its good for me - I find biking to be therapeutic, it relaxes me, yes, even while biking between cars in downtown Chicago (yes, while wearing a helmet, mom.) Not to mention the health benefits.

Its good for the environment - I produce very few green house gasses while biking. =) I also find that it helps connect me to my surroundings. Biking in it, as opposed to through it, behind the windshield of a car.

Its good for the economy - It saves me quite a bit of money which I am then able to pass on to others who may need it more. Also, not supporting "Big Oil" feels pretty good.

This past year has been pretty momentous in many aspects. I guess the biggest was graduation. I associated it alot with a feeling of being new born, pushed out into the world, slapped on the back and forced to breath. I associate alot with how an infant might feel taking their first few shaky steps. Or a baby bird, pushed from the nest for the first time. One mis-step and you're on the ground, lessons learned, ready to try again.

Learning to live in Chicago has been an adventure. "Does this EL train really go to where I need to go?", "Is Adams st 100N or 100S?", and "Where is the closest Jimmy John's for yet another sub lunch?" I feel that I've grown alot, which will probably only be marked by looking back five years from now and seeing how much more I have grown, again. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know or understand.

I am currently working two-jobs (60+ hours a week) at Starbucks and Corgi USA (www.corgi-usa.com) I am an Administrative Assistant (receptionist) for a company that sells die-cast collectors models, and a barista at the largest coffee retailer in the world. Wooo! I got my degree for this. I got my degree for this?! More to the point, I got the loans I am currently paying off in order to get my degree. (Crap!!)

The future, 2008, I see flying cars and teleports. But for myself I see, I dunno. The plan was to move to Houston with some great friends, to live simply in community and to love more. In brief; to use less and to love more. In essence thats my plan for 2008. Houston has sort of fallen through for the moment, but I am not counting it out. Where I'll end up location wise is entirely up in the air, I will most likely be in Chicago through July when my lease is up.

My resolutions for the upcoming year are:

To read The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
To read the New Testament (as most of what Jesus said is in there.)
To finish a feature length screenplay (one of any of the few that I am working on)
To live slower, smaller, simple and to use what I've been given to hopefully help others live more fulfilled lives.

I wish you all an fantastic 2008, I wish that I could spend more time with each of you, and if anyone would like to move anywhere and live together with people for the mutual good then do it!

"To infinity and Beyond!"
-Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

peace,

matt

We'll see where this goes.

I have this awkward disposition toward believing that all humans are intrinsically valuable, and should have the inalienable right to remain alive.

Just some thoughts I've been struggling through lately. I am reading this book by E. Stanley Jones called; Christ's Alternative to Communism. He is a christian author and the book was written in 1935, at the height of the rise of communism in the east. It's crazy to think about what this world would be like if they had won, if we had lost. But would it be?

Jones says; "For our chief world-sickness is this, we are trying to respond to world unity while our economic life is based on competition."

Competition/Correspondence or cooperation. The thing that tears at me here is two systems who are in apparent conflict with each other. The system, in which we live, society or the other, system or "realm" God's system.

I think God's system says "others first" and our world's system says, "me first." Where's the rub? What is the relation of the two? What are we called to? If we are called to be "in the world but not of the world", and yet we continue to live just like the world does, what does that make us?

Ghandi once said; "If Christian's truly knew the gift they had received in Jesus they would crawl around the world on their hands and knees in order to share that gift with others."

E. Stanley Jones said; "Neccesities should be provided for all, before luxuries are provided for any."

What are we called to? What is our response to the lack in the world around us? What is my response to the lack in my own heart?

other things I love about chicago

I dont know if it was the rain, the band or the chicago jazz symphony but I got the chills at least four times while standing in the rain at Millenium park listening to the Decemberists play with the Chicago Jazz Orchestra. Absolutley amazing.

Seventy or so bikers, Approximately 35 miles an hour, a 9/10 mile track that ran right in front of my apartment. So there was a professional bike race today. Mens and Womens divisions about 7 races in all, ending in the pro certified mens race, which pitted about 70 men and their 12-14 pound machines against each other. It was pretty incredible. I smiled alot, alot and I think I almost cried at one point just cause I was so happy. I only wish someone had been here to experience it with me.....sigh....

So its been along time since I've done this, so I am gonna skip all of the introductory chit-chat since as we all know I am relatively awkward at small talk anyway. (Or if you didn't now you do and next time you see me or talk to me you can make fun of me for it.)

Life is insane! This is a statement that I will stand by. I don't know when I last sent out one of these big and crazy update emails but alot of stuff has probably happened since then. So we'll skip all of that and move into whats going on now and whats coming up.

First of all, it is Spring Break, Spring Break of my senior year in college. This is nuts! Eight weeks from now I'll be an alumnus with a piece of paper. What does that mean? I feel like this is the end of the human canon and we all wait and watch and hope I can fly. I have a better metaphor something along the lines of child-birth, but I don't want to weird anyone out. (Use your imagination.)

I have been working hard, along with about a 25 person cast and crew (who have all been most phenomenal!) on finishing my senior thesis film, Off Broadway. I am very excited to see it come to completion and hope that you all will come out to see it. Mark your calendars the premier will be toward the end of April here in Lincoln. I'll let you know as we get closer.

This coming week I am going with 6 other senior film majors to LA, we will be going with a professor of ours who has connections there. We will be touring a few of the studio lots out there as well as meeting many producers, directors and writers. We will be visiting the Deadwood set and will be on set for a partial day's shooting of the show Grey's Anatomy (you may have heard of it....I've not seen a full episode.) I am obviously very excited about this. I'll get back to you guys with how this all goes.

Plans? The future? The ever popular question right now. And, I don't know. I kind of think that I have the rest of my life to do whatever it is that I am going to do for the rest of my life, so whats the rush (sorry if you've heard me say that a million or a half times.) I am applying for a few different internships both in LA and in Portland, OR. Interesting? Yes, we'll see. I'll let you know. There is also the possibility of my being involved on a documentary in Kenya, Africa. Crazy. I know.

So to an extent, there's alot going on, and amidst all that school, oh yeah, did I mention that I am an RA. Are there only 24 hours in a day?

I have been enjoying writing alot lately. I will actually be graduating with a minor in english. So I've been doing quite a bit of lately. So I have a small (and growing) collection of scripts and short stories. If you ever want to read anything, well, lets talk.

Sorry its been so long. Sorry this email is so impersonal. I hate that about electronic communication (it takes the heart out of it.) I would love to sit down and talk with all of you at some point. Feel free to shoot me an email, I always love that. Or call with a time that you'd like to do coffee.

peace and love and so on!

matt

I don't know if anyone still checks this blog at any great interval. I guess maybe thats the appeal of it tonight. The chance that I may be writing for myself. The rest of the world has gone the way of the future, Myspace.

I'am tired. Very tired. Maybe it's cause I have a huge mid-term tommorow morning at 9:30 that I feel covers way too much information to be covered in one test. I am tired. And empty. And lonely. Sometimes.....I wonder. The problem with myself however is that I realize how inconsequential my life really is in the scheme of things to actually talk to people about it. Maybe its a "trust" complex. I dont know. I have a hard time telling people where I really am. I hurt. I dont know who to turn to. My best friend is in KC at a 24/7 prayer meeting. My other close friend is moving to Omaha, I dont know if he knows where his life is going either. I dont, my life. I am so ready for graduation. I feel myself coming out of college more and more every day. This four year existence that at times has meant so much will shortly be sloughed off. Will I cheer on that day, will I cry or will I simply stand, staring forward, blank faced, expressionless, wondering who I really am in this overwhelming crowd of red-clad graduates. Is this what John Ferguson felt like in the top of the bell tower in Vertigo. Is it sad that many of my life experiences come from movies? When I fall, not if, will there be anyone to catch me? Will my quiet sleeping mind hold back the tears?

I hope no one reads this.

The past two weeks have been mind blowing. Probably more in the bad sense than the good sense. There is so much going on, so much that I really don't want that I don't have time or energy to focus on what I want to. Some days the razor's edge is so sharp, others it feels so dull. Don't worry thats imagery for my brain state than anything denoting cutting.

My thesis film is moving along. Starting to. Auditions are on Oct. 10th here in Lincoln. I'll probably have something in Omaha too. I need old men, two of them need to be portly, jolly. If you know people...let a brother know.

English class, Writing of Fiction actually feels more like a support group than a class. People using their soapbox to talk about their problems or their desires. Hmmm...sounds alot like what I am doing.

I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in the past 5 nights, my average is 4.

Aesthetics class is hyper-pretentious. I think there are principles that you can apply to art. But, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. You can't make a rule without exceptions. Art and art criticism are so subjective. You can't write a philosophical criticism on art theory without having holes.

I am looking forward to this weekend and it starts tonight!

peace,

matt

p.s. - I am going to post this on my other blog, so don't go there expecting anythign different.

If you've already read this in email form please feel free to not have to read it again. Also, feel free to not complain about reading about my life twice.

---

My Bike and I

So, I put my bike back together today.

I haven't seen it since May 17th, when a bike shop in Boise, ID. put her in a box and shipped her back here. I've been on crutches since then. I've had knee surgery since then, and am recovering. I am off crutches! Which is the main reason for writing. Finally, 7 weeks after surgery and after 11 weeks on crutches I am once again a bipod. I am still recovering, mind you, still in physical therapy. I have a difficult time lifting my leg to a 90 degree bend behind me. But I am walking and I will take that any day over having to crutch. My therapist tells me that it should be about a week and I'll be walking normally. Then, I can begin adding other forms of exercise. First on the list, biking.

Me and my bike have a very special relationship. As soon as I can pass legislation observing the union declaring man and bike, it will be so. Not many people can say they've biked across Oregon. I had hoped to bike further. But I am young. There is next summer, and the summer after that. Speaking of next summer, there has already been talk about a trip down the west coast. Start at the Canadian border and find the Mexican border along highway 101 (or whatever it is - along the coast.) How frickin sweet would that be? We'll see.

First things first, learn how to walk again. Start school in two weeks. Start biking again. It's gonna be a great year.

peace,

matt

They say that when enough force acts on a body that body is prone to crack.

I started Physical Therapy today and they told me that I should be able to walk again, on my own by August 3rd. 13 days. I'll be the first to tell you that I am excited. After 10 weeks on crutches I am ready to walk away...literally. My only question is, why couldnt I be off the crutches 6 days earlier so that I could walk down the aisle at my brother's wedding on my own volition. Hey, crutching down the aisle is classy right? Right? sigh....

School starts again 3 weeks after the wedding, I am whole heartedly looking forward to that. To take my mind off this summer, definitely unless someone disagrees, a summer to forget. This fall I'll be living in a small, on campus apartment sort of a deal. It should be alot of fun, my roomates....pretty much the coolest cats around. I'll also be a senior. Woo Woo! Soon to face the harsh realities of "real life" outside the protective confines of the academic setting. Bring it on. This year will pretty much focus on my double minor - Creative Writing and Film Studies, as well as finishing my major - Film Production - namely my thesis film. I THINK that I have my script picked out and if this is in fact that one I end up shooting, it should be alot of fun. It is called "Off Broadway," I'd call it a clever comedy. But then again, I wrote it, talk about biased media. I am currently working on adapting it from its current format as a stageplay into a screenplay. Does anyone have a music copyright connection with Thom Yorke and Radiohead? I will also be looking to fund this shoot as I want to shoot in High Definition or on Film, so...if you are, or know anyone who is interested in funding...er...helping launch a current student artist...please let me know. I am ready to talk. ;-)

Other than that, yeah, I guess there's not alot. It's been kind of a slow moment in my life. I guess, thinking about it, that would probably be the theme of the summer - slowing down. Biking through Oregon at 10mph, now crutching through life at .... real slow, Ok. The beauty of patience comes to mind. Patience and simplicity.

Out on the road my brother and I carried everything we needed with us in small trailers attached to our bikes. It was awesome. You don't get a sense of needing more, when you have everything that you need. I had two jerseys, two matching jerseys - so there weren't the options of what to wear? We carried our tents with us and if it rained...you were lulled to sleep by the delicate percussion of the falling rain. The first thing that I noticed upon getting back home (with injury) is that life here travels so amazingly fast. "Break neck" fast. Nate and I often, noted how nice, friendly and helpful people in small towns were and how nice the slower pace of life would be.

Technology has turned us into a culture of consumers hungry to consume NOW NOW NOW!!! I don't think that this is a healthy outlook. The technology that is supposed to "draw us closer to one another." I would say has given us the proper means by which to canyon ourselves off from the rest of the world. Technology is, just that...so cold and impersonable, and yet I can get online and learn more about them on their myspace page than I might learn in-person. It isn't any wonder to me that the "upper-class" are often less happy with life than those who don't have as much. Everything that we own somehow ends up owning us.

I don't exactely know at what point this turned from being a brief thought to somewhat of a rant, but it concerns me to think of the repercussions if we continue to live at the level of affluence that we do. It scares me when Stephen Hawking poses the question; "In a world that is in chaos politically, socially and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?" WOW. I dunno, I am not going to claim to have all (or any) of the answers. But I think that a slower paced and more patient world would be for the better.

Here we go, have a great night.

peace,

matt

Hey,

So tonight - I looked, and there before me was struch by a feeling akin to awe. A sight, something that I had not seen in awhile. I looked, and as things fell into focus and my eyes adjusted, rubbing them once in awhile to make sure I was not hallucinating. I looked, and there amongst the swelling I saw what looked like the outline of my knee cap! Amazing.

So yeah, surgery was last friday the 16th. So just in case you have not heard how that went, were curious and have the patience to sit through my whimsical ramblings.

When the got in, they found there were actually three tears instead of one, as well as finding that some of the cartilage had begun to pull away from the bone. So, they did what they do and repaired it all, I really dont know how, I am not a doctor, nor was I there. I was, at the time happily unconcious on the table miles away from where I actually was.

So now, recovery. 6-8 weeks "non-weigh bearing" - means that; Dude can't put his foot down. It's like playing "dont touch the floor" as a child. Where you had to jump/climb from furniture to furniture to avoid touching the floor, yeah, its like playing that with just one foot. One week down, 5-7 to go. I hate crutches! It really has been tough at times. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, but everything becomes a process. It's frustrating.

Everyone says that this is happening for a reason and that reason will become clear someday, I understand, but have a heard time seeing it sometimes. I guess, someday it will be clear-er. So for now I am doing alot of reading, writing and watching movies, feel free to come and join me. It's a blast let me tell ya!

Hey, anyone want to have a "crutchless" party 5-7 weeks from now?

peace,

matt

"To infinity and beyond!"
-Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

An email I sent out this morning.

Hello, As usual I hope that everything with you is going well. With an email titled "surgery" I can't really admit that it is going as planned for myself.

I am scheduled for Arthoscopic knee surgery on this Friday, June 16th 2006 at 10am. I have to be there at 8:30am for preparations and what not. This may come as a shock to some of you and so I thought I should inform you BEFORE surgery.

A month ago I was setting off on the large adventure of biking across the US. I didn't make it. One month ago from this coming friday(the day of my surgery) my brother(Nate) and I, were working on what would have been a 78 mile day. At the time of the accident we were just starting up the second pass of the day(Drinking Water Pass, in Oregon --- the first pass was called Stinking Water Pass...we did not attempt to drink water from either.) As we began our ascent of the second pass, I got a flat tire, this happens - not frequently, but often enough. So I hop of my bike and set out to start fixing the flat. Removing the tire, tube etc....setting out a new one. So, down in a crouched position on the cement I am pumping up the new tube when the stem blows off, this doesn't happen frequently. So, half out of suprise and half out of knowing that I am going to need to get another tube I quickly popped up....and so did my knee. I don't know if I audibly heard the pop, but I felt it. I felt it alot. So, we make work of hitching a ride to Boise, ID. (thanks Scott and Fam.) and the next day I hop....er...hobble on a bus toward Omaha. The dissapointing end to a very much anticipated and planned for summer. Doctor appointments and blood clot diagnosis, finger sticks and MRI's confirm I have a torn miniscus (left knee) and a blood clot (left ankle.) So, I've been on blood thinners for the past couple weeks and have surgery on Friday (for which I have been off blood thinners for the past couple days so I don't leak all out...in case you were worried.)

So...this has all been quite the change of plans for my brother and I. He rode on from Boise, arriving in Omaha, NE. last week and has called it quits on account of costing more money being alone. So we're back "home" I think we both feel the adventure of crossing the country still in us. Next Summer...? Surgery first. So if you guys think of it, I would covet your thoughts and prayers as I go in on Friday. I will bike again. :-)

peace and love,

matt

"Weddings make women beautiful."
-Observation from Andrew and Melanie Hrivnaks' wedding.

Ok, this isn't some sort of observation coming from my brain with anyselfish goal in mind. This was simply an observation that I made that I think lines up with the character, personality and wiring of women. The bride. Beautiful, innocent, pure. The white dress. This is every young girls childhood dream. Girls spend their early childhood playing "wedding," they wait for their "knight in shining armour" for this day. The day when they can feel secure in his arms.

To Andrew and Melanie, I love you guys alot. I stand behind you and will be there for you. The wedding was great. Interesting for me as it was now the wedding of a close friend. Odd? yes. Happy? yes. Jealous? ...maybe, but she's out there somewhere and I feel it is written on a young man's heart to go out and find her.

peace,

matt

onedaywhenthingsareover

Why is it.....?

sometimes God makes so much sense.
othertimes God doesn't make much sense at all,
why is it that in these times that he seems forever away.

living the christian life is difficult,
often, non-christians seem to do a better job at "loving thy neighbor" than christians,
why?

why is hypocrisy so easy?
why is trust so difficult?
what is faith?

peace,

matt

Well, if you had not heard - I am back. Unfortunatley? Fortunately? Depends on who you talk to. I personally would prefer to be where I was, touring the country under my own power, on bike. It was awesome, I feel that I will one day complete the journey. Until then....I think it will be nice to be able to get back on here and be able to write with a little less.....levity, for personal expression. Enjoy. Enjoy? We'll see.

So I just finished Terrence Malick's The New World; A very good film. I enjoyed it. The story per Malick's obvious direction often prefered the poetic to the natural or realistic. The editing was at times jarring(again, perhaps for effect) in the end a beautiful and subtle tormented love story that almost had as much to do with the culture as it did the personal differences between the lovers. Q'Orianka Kilcher as Pocahontas was excellent, subtle, implcit, hidden, beautiful. Collin Farrell earned back some of his acting chops after Alexander (or should I credit his make-up artist?) but it is still hard to not think of him wearing Pravda, stuck in a NYC phone booth. The rest of the cast did really well. James Horner's musical composition was adequately beautiful. It was there, it underscored, it set mood....it didn't quite excel for me. But then again what do I know? Overall a good and enjoyable film from a master of old school filmmaking, Terrence Malick knows how to tell a moving story, while avoiding cliche and spectacle.

Thats all,

peace,

matt

I will not be posting here until my return, to hear about our hi-jinx visit rideofpassage.blogspot.com

To all of my faithful, loyal and appreciated readers;

I am not currently here, I am biking across the country and it seemed appropriate to launch a new blog just for that purpose. So if you wait five seconds you will be redirected.

....

.....

Ok, if your're still waiting, you're not going to be re-directed. Do you actually think I am that High-tech?!

but you can totally feel free to manually click here and it will take you right there. Also, the address is as follows; rideofpassage.blogspot.com

peace,

matt

Relating to zombies.
or
Lack of sleep takes its toll.

It has been a long day. It has also been a four city day. I started off in Detroit, MI. at 4am this morning and ended up in Lincoln, NE. via Chicago, IL. and Omaha, NE, all in 5 hours. It has been a long weekend. Very good, great experience. I was working with the ol' production company doing videography for the Bravo national dance competition. It was pretty cool, this week I was more than less in charge of the technical end of production. It all went fairly smoothly. 314 dance routines and only 2 lost entirely, neither were my fault(one was the sound guy's fault, the other was a power shortage...and moment of complete panic.) Great experience. I worked almost 40 hours in 3 days and slept...maybe 12. OI! That's nuts. Now it is Monday of dead week, projects are stacking themselves up, jockeying for my immediate attention, my attention wanes to thoughts of sleep and or biking across America in just under 2 weeks. Thursday night I have a gig through my agency, before leaving for LA.

Speaking of biking across the country. We are doing so in support of Word Made Flesh and The Hope Center for Kids, both are out of Omaha. The Hope Center is a purpose-breathing, day-club for children of inner-city Omaha. WMF works internationally speaking life to the poorest of the poor. The link for pledging your support to Word Made Flesh is up now on my bike trip journal a ride of passage (www.rideofpassage.blogspot.com)
the link for pledging to The Hope Center will be up any day now.

Also! We will be having a going away/fundraising with 100% of donations going to these local charities. So, that goes down on at 6pm on Thursday May 4th at my loving parents house in Omaha, NE. I would love if you could all be there. I would love to see you before I leave. Their address is 11442 Queens Dr. Omaha, NE. 68164. If you need directions please call me(402)730-4823, email me, halfpastnormal@yahoo.com or mapquest.com them.

To my friends,

Hey on May 6th my brother(Nate) and I will be leaving for a 2 and a half month bike trip across America. I will be keeping an online journal for both my own posterity, your enjoyment and my mom's peace of mind. So if you want to check that out it is at rideofpassage.blogspot.com

So there it is, check it out and drop me a line. We are doing this as a benefit to The Hope Center for Kids in Omaha as well as Word Made Flesh, both are non-profit organizations that are focusing on making our world a better place. The Hope Center is doing this in inner-city Omaha and Word Made Flesh has 8 locations around the world. Both of these organizations are very close to my heart. I was a summer intern at Hope a few years ago, and I went to Romania with WMF after high school.

We are having a fundraising potluck on May 3rd or 4th at my parents house in Omaha. I would love if you could make it out and see us off. I will be dropping more information here as we get closer to that time. You will also be able to donate to both charaties on my blog, soonly.

peace,

matt

So, I just got back from my first trip to New York. I was there with my job, a production company that does videography and photography for a touring dance competition. So I was in New York City working. Today was just hung out in the city all day.

I feel like I saw the preview and now I want to spend my $6 and see the whole thing. I wanna go back. We saw Times Square and ate around there, then we bummed around Chinatown for awhile, then went to Ground Zero (which was really more impactful than I thought it would be...since I wasnt in America when 9-11 happened it gave me a visual face to put with a name...wow!) Then we went to the finanical district and saw the stock exchange....then had beers in a cool little lounge before flying home. A fast tour, really cool. There are so many textures in NYC, its like sensory overload. The city, pulses. It is almost alive. Very cool. I wanna go back!

Now, for sleep, I've slept 18 hours in the past 3 nights (4,4, 4 and 6) and I am pooped. Night.

Just go to bed Matt.......


Just go to bed Matt, it will all go Aw ay tom mo r o.....

Watching Jean-Luc Goddard's Classic A bout de Souffle (Breathless);

Patricia Franchini: What is your greatest ambition in life?
Pavulesco: To become immortal, then die.

------

We're off to start shooting our first film project of the year, a lightsabre duel on top of the Mahoney State Park observation tower, at night. Wish us luck.

note: it's really rough. It just came out last night as I was talking to a friend about relationships

Falling through space as I gaze into your face
Grasping for straws as we fall through the canyon

I try to make amends, try to sew it all together
dont know how to live, to make our life better

I am lost and I am drowning, forgotten in a sea of people
'where is the land', no one seems to know

falling, flailing is this how its all gonna end?
blind leading blind, the fallen aiding those falling

sunk and leading the lowly
sometimes I think if only
I could see your face
I'd know my place

'where is the land.' no one seems to know
running a race with my arms outstretched
and my body doubled over.

---------
(Outstreched)
copyright 2006
matt harrell

My life is going crazy, let me count the ways;

Tommorow I have an audition in Omaha at 4:30 - I have to be back in Lincoln at 7pm.

Monday applications, resumes and cover letters are due for Resident Assistant application for next year.

Next week I am meeting with a guy about a paid traveling gig doing videography/photography for a touring dance troupe.

I am taking cycling classes 3 times a week as well as an aerobics class at the REC center for what might be my craziest summer yet.

All that in addition to classes!!!!!!

-----

OH YEAH!!!! ......(In addendum to my last post)

I also thought about We're Back! A Dinosaur Story and how much more believable the animation in that was compared to the CG in King Kong, (for the record We're Back is a cartoon animated childrens film.)

Just went and saw Peter Jackson's King Kong, these are the movies that I thought about while watching it. I mean come on I hat 187 minutes to think. Also, I just read that the version that was released in the Philippines was only 108 minutes. Something tells me they got the better version. ;-)

Jurassic Park: I think we all know why. The reason that JP was what it was is because all the dinosaurs were animatronic.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: At age 9 Peter Jackson saw the original King Kong(1933) for the first time and thats what made him want to direc., I think he also had a small inkling to remake this Rick Moranis classic(reference the huge ginormous bug scene).

Lord of the Rings(I-III): I think Peter Jackson is coming down from his LOTR high, and the withdrawl isn't pretty. They never are. I think about half of Kong was stock footage taken from the LOTR cutting room floor.

Batman(1989): Universal Studios made Batman into a killer ride, I smell park admission being in high demand with the upcoming Kong! the ride. (Please, note we already have a JP the ride.)

The Fugitive: Don't remember exactley why I thought of this, but I did and; "Wow Fugitive was a great movie! and Hey, no Computer Graphic monkeys." Hmmmm....Peter Jackson lets see a 90 minute film some time soon.

Brokeback Mountain: Another movie that I just saw this week, interesting comparisons in theme....loneliness, dirty apes...... Ang Lee has a much better cinematic eye. Also, thank you to Talk Soup for your Brokeback Kong satire, this provided me with all the humour I needed to make it through Kong(2005).

King Kong (1933): Subtlety. Anne Darrow and Kong's relationship was limited to Kong pulling Anne's dress off her shoulder, thats it! I believed their relationship in the new one thanks to Andy Serkis but would agree that it was unneccesary. Speaking of believeing things; a note on CG I think I believed the rear-screen projection and claymation of the original Kong(1933) more than I did the CG Kong and other various mammothly huge creatures in this one.

The Emperor's New Groove: Ok, so the whole vine-swinging-mid-air T-rex battle made me laugh about as much as the similar scene with David Spade, almost as believable too.

King Kong (1976): Charles Grodin makes this a film you can't miss when seeing yet another version of Kong. Yes, that makes this year's version the third for this story. Excessive? I think so. Does this mean that Hollywood has just run out of ideas? 2 of the 3 previews shown before Kong(2005) were also for remakes, you make the call.

running away to save myself the pain.

Schedules are the antagonist of creativity.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!! Who'dve thought that it's already 2006?! Any body else feel like they are getting old?

So....I guess the most refreshing thing about my new year's experience was this overwhelming sense that I got that this is in alot of ways a chance for a new beggining. There is just a sense of new life and new growth as you enter a new year, a chance to change, a chance to grow.

Now, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. As a matter of fact the last resolution that I made was about 7 years ago when I resolved not to make any resolutions. Hmmm.... How clever I was! I guess, I just never wanted to look the potential of failure straight in the face with something that everyone seems to break. It's probably either my fear of failure or my fear of commital. But something feels different this year and as such my new years resolutions:

To spend more time reading.
To spend more time writing.
To spend less time on Instant Messenger, significantly less time.
To spend more time reading the Bible.
To spend more time with people.

Someone once said "Garbage in, Garbage out." So with that I want to be very intentional with the inputs I allow. I also want to manage my time more closely so as to increase my creative output (maybe even learning guitar.)

Here's to change!


----------
The Glazing of my Brain

I just finished watching Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull. Yes, it is all the movie they say it is. I think it is now my personal Scorsese favorite, although I have not been a huge fan of his. Gangs was impressive and I haven't seen Mean Streets.
Is it just me here or does he not seem to like his characters... or he finds sympathy for or creates sympathy in characters that aren't likeable, or don't want to be liked? hmmm...interesting. Take Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver for example.

Scorsese is the master of the McGuffin(after Hitchcock) and it's been a long time since I've seen an actor embody a character to the extent that Deniro did as boxer Jake Lamotta. All of the scenes that they say are amazing are, and a very humorous connection was made in my mind, having seen Boogie Nights and drawing comparisons to the very last shot of that and the very last shot of this movie. Funny, clever, impressive stuff.

In other news, what a game last night! Was anyone else watching the Huskers of Nebraska down in Texas with the boys of Michigan? Fuggehdaboutit.

Man, I wish I were a bronx gangster.

I thought this was way too funny to pass up. Yes it is plagarism, I lifted it directly from CNN.com(Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - AP REVIEW)
----------
Review: Dumber by the 2nd Dozen
(AP) - "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" is an argument for the cinematic equivalent of condoms.

Something's got to come between audiences and Hollywood's incessant desire to sequalize bad movies, or in this case, do a bad remake of a family classic, then follow with an equally dumb second chapter."

-David Germain
Associated Press

It does its thing,
and I do mine.

And when I want it to do my thing
I make it do my thing.

But when I am not doing my thing,
it can do whatever it wants.



on my computer;
-------------------------

PPHHHHH.......(gasp!)....PPHHHHHH......(gasp!) ....PPPPPPHHHHHHHH.......

Slowly the little red ballon begins to take shape.
Each strained moment breathes life into the once formless shape.

phhhhhhhh.......

Round, full and full of life,
this balloon has been inflating for 9 months.

PPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

This rush of air seems different than those before.
Faster, forceful snd more direct.
The shiny object glints in the soft light.
My once ballon, now just a weary skin.
Is this "Rapid Hope Loss"?

My little red balloon
==========
So, this is this, as it stands.
I called my connection to "Coldberg" (the movie I was hoping to work on in Prague) and I guess the movie was Blownout....which is semi-industry jargon for pretty much what it sounds like. Warner Brothers' has dropped the project all together. Dissapointing. So, I will be here, Selleck 6310 next semester, so feel free to drop on by.

In other news this is dead week, next is finals......and life is incredibly busy. I hope to make it through today.

peace,

matt

"Holy crap! Its pretty!" -my reaction to Dr. Zhivago

So I just watched another David Lean masterpiece (Dr. Zhivago). Wow, that guy knows how to make an epic (see also Bridge on the River Kwai and Lawrence of Arabia.)

My thoughts; first of all the composition was absolutley stunning, there were many times during the movie (and you can ask the roomie) that I let out a gasp/sigh at the beauty of the light and framing of each shot. Second thought was that "You can't make a 90 minute love story!" Film makers these days and perhaps, more importantly audiences don't know how to go on a journey with the characters. Most romantic comedies that you walk into these days you already knew the outcome yesterday. It's absurd! What happened to the classics, the epics? Sure, we have LOTR a huge undertaking but so much spectacle. What happened to having opening credits? Audiences these days would walk out if the credits came before the movie, cause thats what they've been conditioned to do. What happened to having Overtures before the movie?! Serious! This movie started out with a seven minute overture! even before the credits rolled!!

Audiences today don't have the patience to wait for a movie to unfold. We don't have the time neccesary to "go on the journey." We live in a fast-food generation where satisfaction, knowledge and pleasure should come now, now, now! And if not now, then its too late. I think this may be the downfall of the internet, of cell phones, of computers and microwave ovens.

Love take time to nourish and develop. It doesn't happen within the walls of a 90 minute film, and unfortunately it doesn't have a place in many relationships. It takes a concerted effort from both parties.

Movies don't often take this "give/take" relationship into account. Mind you a film should expect to bring more to the audience than vice versa, but the audience should at very least come ready to think, not just to be entertained. Where in the history of movies did the balance tip that direction anyways?

"Good marriages are made in Heaven - or some such place." -Gromeko, Dr. Zhivago

Thoughts Screamed from an Inadequate Soapbox

The difference between rock and emo is that rock takes responsibility for its actions,
or at least empowers its audience to change. Whereas emo take more of a victims mentality,
merely complaining about situations that it deams irreconcilable.
Rock beckons a response where emo asks the system around it to change.

"Everyone thinks of changing humanity and no one thinks of changing himself."
-Leo Tolstoy

Got the bulk of my final project for Film Production shot today. I am directing a 40's noir, murder mystery adaptation of The Cat in the Hat and The Cat in the Hat Comes Back. Its been a fun and busy project thus far, got some pick up shooting to get tommorow which will wrap principle photography. The editing and all that.

Well, it is now 4:53am and I have a ballet test I have to be up for in 4 hours. We were shooting till 2am. Wish me luck.

As the credits roll
and the the pictures fade to black,
dies a part of life that could have been.

The memories scream
and the music blares in pain
on a hope that began to wain.

best intentions
and cruel directions
couldn't save this sinking ship.

Skepticism
and inhibition
were the knife that brought it down.

Beauty, tragedy
and love
carried it along.

Torn emotion
and split devotion
lowered to cliche.

The story goes,
the lights come up
and you're gone.

(So the story goes)
the lights go down
and you're not there.

-----
Shattered Dreams & Poetry Screams
copyright 2005 Matt Harrell

"Then the Voom.....
It went voom!
And, oh boy, What a voom!"

-Dr. Seuss, Cat in the Hat Comes Back

Fun - in 10 words or less

snack shack,
the stick shack,
a rickshaw?
Knick-Knack?

Its been awhile since Ive updated, since that one time where that one thing happened to me. It was crazy. Ok, I dont rightly recall it but it must've been crazy. I mean, this is me were talking about here.
So tonight I got off work and went over to a friends for a bit of a get together. Pretty standard stuff with more than a couple people there that I didn't know. About 2 hours later a friend wanted some food, so we went to D'Leons(cheap drunk people's mexican -- which, I was not drunk, this I was driving. Designated Driver) *ahem* A small skirmish broke out in the drive through line. I don't even know why. I wanted to do something about it but considering people's potential "alternate dispositions" (wink wink) I'd better not. We got our food and left, once the excitement had subsided.
Why are people so impatient? Patience is a virtue. (undisputable) Why do people have such a hard time waiting to be satisfied. We live in a world of deadlines and fast food junkies. People who want, and want now now now! We live in a capitalist society where people look out for theirs and theirs alone. It is in this context that I question the success of our capitalistic government that has helped breed a society of complacency. What is the virtue of complacency? There isn't. Complacency isn't a virtue. It can't be. The grasshopper dies in the cold after piddling away his time as opposed to working. Don't be complacent. Wait, for a change and while you're at it take a look at the world through someone else's perspective.

I just got back from seeing Paul McCartney at the Qwest center in Omaha. Wow! What an experience. I actually got paid to see Paul McCartney perform, I was working with his organization Music Lives, you can check it out at Musiclives.org.

Pretty frickin cool if you ask me. Its 2 Am. I am running on 4.5 hours of sleep and have worked 13 of the past 18 waking hours of my life. Crazy. I feel half drunk, I think that means that statistic someone told me is correct.

Last wednesday and thursday, I saw Horizon by and with Rinde Eckert it was everything I would have hoped and some. Definitley worth the two year wait. Thursday I actually had my first ever "gig" with the Cotton Dirty Laundry Tour. I handed out shirts and info on Cotton, I wore some neat clothes and did a television promotion.

Four succesful folk from the entertainment industry were at my school on friday; Mel Efros, Ernie Hudson, Jorge Zemacona and Sandy Benniciano (sp? eeEe) They work mostly in Television but alot of the info crosses over.

As you can see its been super crazy busy, I should actually be sleeping but the McD's coffee I drank to keep me awake on the drive home from Omaha has me hopped up. Stop by to say Hi sometime. Keep it real most of all. Which seems to be the difficulty. and oh, yeah the word of the day is restraint....or Bachnalian(sp?) there is a corelation there, I think you'll be pleasantly suprised.

peace,

matt

Why can't life be more like a Kevin Smith film? I think life might be better as a Kevin Smith film. beneath all the shit there is hope. "One year later..." -Chasing Amy

Why are nights so difficult? Why is it dark out when its cold? Why is it that I can smile through the pain? Monday morning starts in a couple hours. Thats a new start. eh?

"Iam sorry Alyssa....wherever you are." -Chasing Amy(the comic book)

I don't even know an Alyssa!

I get to these uncomfortable places where I see a problem or problems that are facing the world and I want to change all of them now! Then I realize I dont have that ability. So I get this sense that I want to fix all of them in my lifetime. Then I realize I dont have that ability. So I get this feeling that I would like to change one of these problems. Then I realize I dont know where to start. So I start feeling like I should at least make a difference. But that answer seems so easy. And it all seems so heavy, like I cant even sleep.

"How doesn one most effiectively.....and then when should one stop discussing and analyzing and just do something about it?"

I'd like to say that I have the simple answer. BUT I DONT!!!! and I want it. We do, as a whole, but no individual. Step. Deny self. Step. Step. Look to the interests of others. Step. Step. Step. Don't take advantage of others looking out for your interests. Together we can get there.

Yet another short snippet of a thought. I feel like Sammy Jenkis from Memento here.


I never want to lose my sense of awe with the life.

Its not a democracy when you can't trust politicians.

Just attended an early screening of Domino.

It was the most objective movie I've seen since True Romance.
It was the most self aware movie I've seen in along time.
It was very heavy. It said alot.
About fathers and fatherlessness and about trust and media.
And Terrorism.
It had me from "Cat eating alien" to "Something was about to go wrong."

I wouldn't recommend it.

IT'S FALL BREAK!!!!!! Time to go crazy! This past week has been incredibly freaking stressful. So it is going to be nice to have more than an hour at a time to relax this weekend, although I still have alot to do.

I've just watched The Company for a second time in my life. This is a documentary style, narrative film that follows a ballet company. I think the easiest thing to say about this film is that it is utterly beautiful. I will watch it again with anyone who asks. Also, I think this movie has the best realization and actualization of space of any movie Ive seen. The entire movie is a dance, including any scene not on a stage, studio or dance floor. It is the exploration of distance relationships, space relationships. Rhythm. There is something so energetic about dance and engergy that binds us. Not to get all zen but, I think its true and its beautiful. Yet , there is something so un-natural about dance. It is almost a convention of absurdism. Using a unique shape to better express something so human as an emotion. I think Picasso and Fosse might've understood each other quite well. Something so natural, almost innocent (though it can be and has been convoluted - see comment on being zen above), dance is something universal. I think that dance might be the best, and most commonly overlooked media representation of passion(for examples watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Hero.) There is something so...baring, so revealing about music, about dance. It is almost like the opposite of a mask.

This is the reason I am taking ballet. This movie actually. To hopefully understand this better. I'd some day like to produce a work that involves dance. Adding brushes to my quiver...or something.

So I had this wish/thought go through my head today, I wish that everyone (with the exception of those who are already married) could forget about relationships for a period of time. To do this would allow people to really focus on what they really want and really want from life. Think about it! This would make life so much less confusing. I've said for the past few years that girls are confusing, you may be witnessing a temporary change of concept there. Relationships are confusing, because we've forgotten how to trust. We've been hurt. Forgetting about relationships would make things so much simpler. We could be friends again. (sigh)

"I don't wan't to lose heart. I wan't to believe, like he does." -Robert the Bruce, Braveheart.

I woke up this morning and made the simple decision to have a good day. I know that sounds silly, but in light of the events and stress of the past week or so, it turned out to have a major impact. Some days thoughts seem to flow. It seems to be there, whatever "it" is.

"What do we do?"

Just watched Garden State with a group of great people. Before that I watched a theatre production called, The Shadowbox. I thought that in the end it was hopeful, but getting there was tough to say the least. Sometimes I wonder why why wallow around in our squalor. What is the purpose of tragedy? Isnt there some hope. I feel that there has to be, There has to be. Garden State I feel intonates that there is. There is hurt yes, that is not something to be avoided. But also, I dont think it is something to be paraded about and set atop our mantles to look at. Sweet and sour. There is hope amongst the dirge.

"The only Living Boy in New York. -Simon and Garfunkel

Wow,

"Let Go." -Frou Frou

...

If you were to make an Amelie-esque introduction to me as a character, it would have to say that I enjoy eating ice cream out of the container, the smell of a humidifier and driving with my foot out the window. I don't like needles at all, the smell of dry-wall putty or gratuitous content in the media.

I think that the wisest thing to understand is that I am foolish.

It's SO weird that people actually read this.

SOOOO weird.

Thank you, I love you all.

right now I am in the middle of filming a film. Its called The Empty Temple. Temple is UNL's theatre building, my home outside of my dorm(I spend alot of time there), and supposedly (I just learned how to spell "supposedly") its haunted. I guess, I dont really belive it, but its been a fun shoot thus far. I am the boom mic operator (or sound dude, as its called in the biz.) The thing that SUCKS! is that my "boom pole" is a freaking like 15 pound stage mic stand. To Marc and Jeff of the Heart of the City shoot. I take back EVERY complaint that I ever uttered about booming for your show.

The following is a bit un-nerving to me as an aspiring artist. I dont know how to go on a journey!
Which is a very bad thing if you need to know. I seem to be able to find a moment and stick there. I dont know how to get to it. I dont know what to do after it. The fun part with my realizing this tonight, is that tonight I started with something that I am fairly familiar with. Hey, they say to "write what you know" so what better place to start, eh? Frustrating. Cause I now have two pages of dialogue and a little action and I dont know where they go. I have an idea. But I dont know how to get there. I mean, for pete's sake I dont even know these characters names yet! For the moment, the space on the page set aside for their names is filled with "Guy" and "Girl." Yeah, if you must know its an angry break up scene....which I dont know very well at all, but its what happens next that I know. But then, after that I dont know what. Yeah, its a relational drama. Its about hopes, dreams and the death and life of that. Who knows. I dont know what its about. Maybe I'll tell myself that my uncertainty will eventually lead to a senior thesis quality script. Scary! g'night.

"everyone is geniuses when its 130, or theyre drunk." -Emily Potter

Sitting here tonight doing nothing, probably watching tv or something I had a realization and it has to have been the most comforting thought that Ive had in a long time.

I finished Frankenstein last night and started Blue Like Jazz today. Both seem to be very different books. One classic 19th century, the other modern, contemporary. One fiction, one non. I sat in 3 different classes today. One on Stage Lighting, one on Film Lighting, still the other...cant really say that I merely sat in Ballet. Weird. I had a conversation on the phone today with my dad, a conversation about 19th century lit and how to fix his car. I worked out tonight, so as to keep myself in shape. A shape, any shape.

After all that I had a realization today. I realized that I am in spite of what my mother would say, I am nothing special. Ive read some stuff and I can tell you why I liked the movie Crash and why Billy Wilder was a good director. I can now do some ballet-type things, although I cant tell you what they are, cause all the words are in french. But on top of all that I am nothing. Weird, huh? What a freeing concept. Dirt, with life breathed. A creation who knows his Creator...or is trying.

Now the question is, whether to post this or not.

What a weird night,
and if I didn't say, I just might

say Ive had a near ghost experience
and I can't say I've wanted this.

----


Good bye to, and from Omaha. Tommorow morn is move in day for me, down in lincoln. Its been a great summer. Its been a weird summer. Its been a single serving summer. Compartmentalized.

"Lets Boogie!" -Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Leonard Shelby: "I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."

Leonard Shelby: "Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy, yes I will."

Hot tea has all the allure of coffee, without the I'll-bash-you-over-the-head-if-you-don't-find-it feel.

*Random thought I had as I was driving to work last week*



thanks for sharing with me

3:28am and my phone rings. *I am asleep. Unconscious.*

3:30am my phone rings a second time and this time my mind clicks. The painful glow of my cell phone's LED screen burns the words "Mom and Dad" across the caller id. "hello", groggily.

My parents should be asleep in the bedroom that is directly above my bedroom in our split entry house. I should be asleep, but my dad is on the phone.

"Matthew, are you awake?"

"no, yes. why?

"We need you to get up and get dressed with a long sleeved shirt, turn on some lights in the basement and get a couple tennis racquets out of the front closet. There's a bat in our room."

Long sleeve shirt, tennis racquets. Odd ... A bat? Flashbacks of ill-prepared, full-panic commando raids on invading varmints back at the east wing flood my brain.

"ok" Still groggy. That'll change.

I roll out of bed and put on a hoodie and some shorts, nothing fancy, no concern. I open my bedroom door that opens to the hallway leading to the family room. I can hear my dad shuffling about upstairs. ... A BAT!?! It hits me. No more groggy. Like gunshots from an automatic my heart is firing. I grab a tennis racquet, a bat hunter's weapon of choice and proceed down the dark hallway. Crouched in a half walk, half crawl I can imagine myself a marine commando in the wiles of vietnam. I can taste the musk of gun-powder, I can smell the oily scent of face paint.

Flipping on the hallway light I push the hallway door open. Flutter flutter flutter. Vile wings beat in scattered pattern across my family room. My heart is really racing now, out of control. I am concerned for my dad who has just recently had heart surgery. With eyes as peeled as they can be on a creature so spastic, I cautiously make my way to the stairs, racquet raised, steely with the resolve of a frightened 4 year old. Now at the top of the stairs I hit the lights to the room, which flicker on.

Nothing.

"Matthew" My dad's voice breaks the air. He never calls me Matthew unless he's concerned or upset. "Can you get me a racquet." A command, not a request.

We descend the stairs again to the basement and spread out as much as two people can. We have no idea where the flying rodent has gone. So as to ward of an onslaught of alarm we are sure to make plenty noise so as to startle the bat so he doesnt kill us.

Moments pass.

no bat.

He could be anywhere. I could almost feel the bat breathing down my neck. We have no idea where he could be. Hitting furniture in hopes of rousing him from his resting place, time slows.

"There he is." Not my voice, my dad's. I turn in the direction that he is looking.

"No, not in the bookshelf!"

"No, no ... behind."

Ahhhhh..... Crap!

There is a one inch gap between the bookshelf and the wall ... and mr. bat has made his place of rest there.

"Get a net!"

"It won't fit without waking him." says dad.

The next hour is spent in contemplation ... please, remember my logic is still asleep in bed.

"The hand-held vacuum?" suggests dad.

"Not enough suction." ...

"How about using blankets to scare him into?"

"Won't work Matt." ... The humane society is called in and eventually called off.

"We could just board it up and let him suffocate." I suggest

...

As I sit there staring my dad starts taking books off one of the shelves. "Is this about where he's at?" He asks. Taking books off the shelf at the approximate height of where the bat is sleeping behind the thin board that backs the shelf.

"Yeah. About, yeah. What are you thinking?"

"You're sure this is about where he's at? Right behind this board?"

"Yes." I respond. Why?"

....

THUD!!!!

..................

"How long does it take to suffocate a bat?" inquires my dad.

..................

About five minutes later my dad eases his hands off the front side of the bookshelf. The bookshelf re-settles to its full standing position.

"Is he dead?"

"Get the vacuum."


Its now just after 5am.

BLEEDING

BEATING


BREATHING

Its been a weird day for me. Lots of conflicting thoughts. Had an audition that I think went well. Signed with an agency - currently not feeling so sure about that choice. Great friends at a great coffee shoppe. Now The Life and Death of Peter Sellers.

-All along I was smiling, but it meant nothing.-

I fear. I fear that we will be caught with our hands in our pockets hoping, wishing that we had the time to pull them out.

If you believe it
you will become it

If you say it
you will believe it

The Upside of Anger or Just in case your childhood didnt make you angry this movie will make you feel it should have or The Angry Side of Anger.


So as I write this I am currently watching The Upside of Anger, proving two points; one is that it is nearly impossible for me to turn off a movie. Second is that it appears that a movie about an angry single parent is only making me angry with the movie, further proving my first point.

A tragedy is a story in which the characters are seemingly welded to a track which leads to a downfall, events that are tragic in nature. Welded to a track that takes the characters in a direction that it is often painful to watch. Still, and Shakespeare proved this, the choices that most tragic characters seem at the moment logical to the audience, the sign of a good tragedy, usually.

However and now I am just rambling...and yes ranting just a bit...see above comment about anger. A bad tragedy is one where illogical characters make illogical and all-together painful and unmotivated decisions that no logical person would make.

In the end I feel that The Upside of Anger is director Mike Binder's flawed love letter to his broken childhood. I was hoping for some redemption from the cast, especially Erika Christensen who I was very much impressed by in Traffic but even she felt like little more than a plastic doll powering through awkward situations and horrendous dialogue. Kevin Costner is decent, Diane Lane is decent but majorly and almost completely flawed. Mr. Binder I thought we were supposed to feel compassion for at the characters. I do not share your view that all men are slobs and all women are angry because of it.

I am currently looking up statistics and wondering as to why it took 5 production companies to put together this $13 million film. For the record this is the first movie I have walked away from in as long as I can remember.

So for those of you who know me, you might know that I have an appreciation for sushi, and if you didnt know that you know do. So with that I added making sushi to my list of experiences. It was really cool and it tasted good. I would recommend sushi to anyone and everyone. So simple yet complex. So flavorful and healthy. Its almost like the perfect food.

Just got back from Chicago last night around midnight. 3 days away and in Chicago were just what I needed. It was great to see some friends I havent seen in awhile. It all makes me jealous that I am Omaha as opposed to being in Chicago. I love that city. The next 2.5 years pending it is currently the place that I would like to end up shortly after graduation. Saw Navy Pier which, aside from the commercial was very cool. I think I could spend most of my days there just writing. Ivan's performance was good, if thought provoking which it was.

I got my resume off to the writer of the film that I could potentially be working on. Pray that goes well. Lots of good thoughts on the form and function of art as well as its purpose and place.
Batman Begins rocks! Even harder on the IMAX screen where I saw it. Chicago rocks! I dont know why I am living here. Its frustrating. Now I must to sleep or I will be on tired boy at work tommorow.

After spending four hours inventorying a local Shopko department store I have a new goal to fulfill with my life. And that is to never own or wear a pair of pants with the hidden elstic waist expanders stuff. There have it. Also, tommorow CHICAGO OR BUST!!!

peace,

matt

Shattered dreams and poetry screams(disconnected)

As the credits roll
and the pictures fade to black,
dies a part of life that pains me in my sleep.

The memories fade
and the music blares in pain
on hope that begins to wain (away).

Best intentions,
and cruel directions
couldn't save this sinking ship.

Skepticism and
inhibitions
were the knife that held it back.

Beauty, love
and tragedy
carried us along.

Torn emotions
and split devotion
lowered to cliche.

The story goes
The lights come up
and you're gone.

So it goes.
So the story goes.

Irony is reading a chapter of a book that describes a recent-past situation in my life to the T. A chapter which is also now a short film script. A film for which I've been asked to audition for. A chapter about a phone call, that I read just moments before I planned on calling her.

No one should feel the need to feel "sexy" until their wedding night. Attractive? yes. Beautiful? more so still. "Sexy?" No! What message are we trying to send?
I am the bride of Christ. You are the bride of Christ.
Purity. The lost virtue of today.
Live different.

you pull the cord from my mouth
even as I die watching.

wipe that smirk of your face,
you'll never win this

Holy Jumpin-Jellyfish, this-aint-your-grandmother's Batman Begins!

So much has happened in my heart and in my mind and in my life since my last post that I dont even know where to start as far as all of that. But I did just go see Batman Begins and I was very impressed. Christopher Nolan, I love you. Christian Bale, I love you. Cillian Murphy, I love you and am jealous of your eyes. Liam Neeson, you kick ass and I love you. Tom Wilkenson, I love you. Ken Watanabe, I love you. Michael Caine, I want to cast you in something and I love you. Gary Oldham, I love you. Katie Holmes...if youre out there and youre reading this. I love you. Tom is a schmuck, and short. Leave him and we can get old and wrinkly together. Batman had heart, Batman had torment, Batman was a human, sharing with me in the co-existence with the human condition. For the first time in my life I truly appreciate Batman. Before I had said "Batman is just a rich and strong prick with a fancy utility belt." I take that back. Thank you Christopher Nolan, Thank you David S. Goyer (story writer), Thank you Christian Bale. Katie Holme, I love you.

Two movies of note thus far from 2005: Crash and Batman Begins.

Also, just for the record. I hated StarWars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. I was bored. I felt the need to write letters of apology to Ewan Mcgregor and Natalie Portman for some of the dialogue they had to suffer through. Mr. Lucas, please tell the world that you are done, not just with StarWars but with directing in general. Focus your abilities on ILM, your true master piece. Collect the royalties and hole yourself up in Skywalker ranch the rest of your happy existence. Please.

God gives and God takes away.
God closes doors, and makes other ways.
Father into your hands I commit my Spirit.... Not my will but yours be done.

I think that Howie Day said it best when he said "Stop all the world now"

I feel that there is so much going on in my mind/heart....or heart/mind rather that I don't know how to put it down in words. I feel that it is going to come out some time though, and it is all good stuff. I am very encouraged. Have you ever had one of those incredible days where at the end you are just exhausted? That was yesterday for me and even after sleeping nine hours I am pooped.

Iam off to deliver some mail!

"3"

Indecisions goodbye.

Integrity.


"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"The Joy of the Lord is your strength."

-Nehemiah 8:10

"For the glory of God is man fully alive."

-John Eldredge, Waking the Dead

I think I can honestly and authoritatively say that I have the best set of friends ever, and any attempt to argue with thought would only serve to defend that position. My motivation in attempting this point is that you all are willing to live life with me, to question, to teach, to bleed, to love, to cry, to laugh and smile, to live. Thank you.