“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” She quoted with at least a hint of judgment in her voice.

The thought that keeps going through my head is "the logic of hate is so thin, and the power of fear so prevalent" Judgment culture

i feel the best when I write

for whatever reason, I stopped writing. I don't know why. After, 10 years of being "together", almost 9 of being married. Having been parents for 6. Sitting here in a quite house with the kids at grandpa and grandmas, after a weekend to remember (or forget- you were sick) its easy to forget that at one point I was just me, a person, matt. It's easy to forget to breathe. I've taken up new hobbies, I've plugged and played other things. But when I basically have my college education in putting words on paper that's what I should do. It's been too long. I almost feel a sad reminiscence in the blank white screen and dancing cursor (like an old friend). We'll see how quick I can dust off the cobwebs. I want to be more than ships passing in the night. Want to dance like fireflies. Want to love with strange delight. Honey, I want to be with you. Want to discover all of you. Want you to see all of me. I love you. (and when it takes me too long to formulate a response, just know, I may need a pen.)

We haven't been ourselves lately.

I suppose there is part of me that wants to relapse to my charismatic past and sort of just cover it all up. The desire to put my church-face on and smile like nothing is wrong. But even doing that has been seen through. I don't know if anyone reading this has dealt with infertility before, to be fair, I don't know if there is anyone reading this.

It sucks. I believe that if fertility and birth are the celebrations of life, then I'll let you draw your own conclusions on what infertility feels like. I've been thinking alot on the balance between faith/hope and disappointment. It would seem that without faith/hope one is reserved to an apathetic sort of fatalism. Yet it seems when one has hope then they opening themselves up to alot of disappointment. I don't understand this balance.

Start Up

Three thoughts have been floating through my head lately, each disconnected, different.

The first was that I need to be writing more (read - again.) It's been basically three years since I've focused on anything relating to writing, and I think that it is in writing that my brain thinks the best. I was talking with my wife this past week and I think that my brain functions slowly enough and is visually stimulated enough that it helps to be able to put thought to paper, so to speak.

The second was in relation to my having just received as a gift, a fire pit. I cannot tell you how much this gift blessed me. Where I am, at this point in life, I felt truly un-worthy of this gift. Sitting there watching embers glow and fade in the darkness of my backyard last night I was struck by the idea that, fire is a very philosophical element. Very contemplative.

My third thought was about the "power of words." A pedantic cliche at this point, none-the-less I think there is a lot of truth in some of these simple ideas. I was thinking about the idea that the first time you say something is the hardest, then after that it gets "easier," but also gains more meaning. Hear me here, think about the first time you told someone that you love them. All the fear and vulnerability in saying it for the first time and risking rejection, but then if it is received, accepted and reciprocated then it begins to take on meaning. Now, with my wife, Kristen, some of the situations that life has thrown at us and still being able to say those words, I can tell you they mean more now than they did the first time I told her that in a local parks rose garden. Much more. Similarly, with negative thoughts. The first time we call someone stupid, or the first time we call ourselves stupid it gets that much easier to believe each time thereafter. The power of words.

I guess if you wanted to you could find a through line in these three thoughts I think it would all be the realization of words, the complete character arch of speech and action.

if you're reading this, welcome back,

matt

the harrell'd

So, we set off. It has been awhile since I have written, perhaps this can be excused by some recent and wonderful developments in my life (namely: getting married!) Kristen and I are learning how to be married. We love it. Sure, we're quick to admit that it is an adjustment to single living, but the sacrifices made are certainly eclipsed by knowing that your spouse and best friend will be there with you through all of life's circumstances. A couple month's before our wedding a friend of mine told us that the best part about being married, is that no matter what happens during the day, your husband/wife will still be there with you at the end of the day.

Recently, we've both been coming to the end of our respective jobs mentally and physically for opposite reasons (her's is exhausting, mine - numbing.) We've been talking about the idea of travel nursing for awhile now and this seemed to be the time. After much debate, we've accepted a travel nursing position just outside Fresno California, for which we'll leave Nov. 8th-ish. We're really excited, it will be an adventure. Fresno is just 2 hours from the ocean as well as from Yosemite National Park.

After our 13 week travel assignment we'll take a month and visit our Brother and Sister in-law (Chris and Erin) in Freetown, Sierra Leone, Africa. We're really excited for this opportunity and to explore what it may lead to for our future. We've both expressed interest in living overseas and working in community amongst the poor and I suppose this will be a solid "sign" in that venture of exploration.

Please join us in this time. We would love to hear from everyone of you. As Kristen and I have reflected on our relationship thus far we keep coming back to the symbol of being "on the road" or "the path." We've hiked and adventured alot together and look forward to this next uncertain and exciting time of our lives together. We are looking for direction, signs and peace at all the right times, as well as the patience to wait for the next "road marker."

Gender Roles

I think gender roles are based on tired, age-old stereotypes, and are predicated on proving one's neccesity in any given relationship (ie- I am needed to take out the trash, change the oil in the cars, cook the meals, earn the money, etc....)