They said to "play nieve."
"Just pretend like you dont know anything and you'll be fine" They advised.
"Just act dumb and eventually, they will leave you alone."

Well, let me tell you this. The longer you keep that one up. The dumber you begin to feel. Couple this feeling with the fact that I'am at college, the intellectual hub or learning ground of the city. A place where we are supposed to be learning. College, isn't that a step above stupid and a step below living on our own? Ever feel like you are back in kind-e-garten?

Can't we grow up?

If you need an apology, Jeremy Styles most recent blog posted on Wednesday, Nov. 19th, I think should suffice. You can find it at discipleforlife.blogspot.com
He's a great guy.

I have no intention to "...offend with improprieties or obscenities..." Simply seeking for this place to be a better one. Cant we grow up and tell each other like it really is, without succumbing to the wiles and temptations of childhood games like "cooties" and gossip?
(quotes from, The Birth of a Nation.)

In closing, I would like to thank you for taking part in this, yet another one of "Matt''s Rants." More to come, please stay tuned.

p.s.- Wow, in retrospect, I have one more question. Could one be anymore vague in his describing his thoughts on a very specific subject? "....I hope that the answer will make you smile." -to quote my roomate.

KSU@NU

I was a occupant of the 4th largers city in Nebraska today, as a matter of fact, simultaneously I was in the second largest city as well. Crazy. Newton get out your protractior and try to assign a formula to that!

There are alot of things one would expect or at least hope for in their Maiden voyage to Memorial Stadium, and winning is one of them.

So, here's the scoop, noon on a Saturday afternoon, Saturday November 15th, 2003. This cute girl that I know and is a friend of mine instant messeges me. She apparently has decided to go into Omaha for the day in order to pay the family a visit, unfortunatley these actions would leave one Husker Student ticket lonely and in her draw waiting to be thrown away. A devistation, so the offer is put forth, rather the plea put out of whether or not I would like to procure one Husker Football ticket and add my number to the ranks of the 78,000+ on hand today at Memorial Stadium. WOULD I!?! WOULD I?!! (No this is not some cheesy joke about some guy with wooden eyeballs.) So, said ticket is dropped off by about 1 o'clock and I am on my way by almost 1:30. OH BOY!!!

Now, every single Joe Schmoe will blab on and on about "the experience" and I guess I must say, it is something that should be enjoyed on a personal basis. There's alot of people in one stadium in Northern Lincoln on gameday. Lots of people, a veritable throbbing mass, a pulsing collective all bent on Husker Domination, well I guess most in the stadium are. Really and truly, the raw power that can be felt, during the minutes before kickoff as the team takes the field, perhaps even heightened today because it was the seniors last home game. But the Nebraska Fight Song pumps out of the band and the loudspeakers, 78, 000 are on their feet, the anticipation, the noise, the excitement. The blackshirts, the offense the emotion is already thick enough to take flight.

Now, I would actually like to just make out some points that most others may not have observed from an experience of this magnitude. First of all, they say that if you are ever in a swarming mob, just pick up your feet and you will be carried along. Well, there just weren't enough other feet there to carry my feet. To be honest I was dissapointed, and I must have looked like a fool trying to pick up my feet and having nothing happen.

Second, to me it is most amazing how efficient the restrooms can be during half time. There is a line probably 30 feet long outside of the restroom, but amazingly enough that line is continually moving, a steady stream in-going and out-going allike, absolutley amazing. Gotta love the trough.

Thirdly, props to the hot-dog slinger guy. He's great! Although I wasn't a personal recipient of any of his fair today. Many others were and heck, who isnt awed by the sheer power of a contraption that can shoot a frankfurter about 30 yards. WOW! I think they call him "Da Vienter Schlinger" almost like its supposed to be German or something. How inane.

Fourth thing of worth that I noted from the game as well is that these are not just "fans" filling the seats of the stadium. Rather, today I entered an arena of nearly 78,000 people that completely felt like they knew and understood "the game" better than the professionals on the field. Ok, Im not only talking about the coaches. But the guys and gals of the seats near mine apparently, truly believe that they know football better than the coaches, players, referees and any other sort of person that spends 5 days a week practicing. There are some gosh darn smart people in these stands.

The noise, sure its powerful almost deafeningly so at times. But I must say that to me even more impressive than that was the silence. Today Husker Nation paid its regards to the seven men and women from Nebraska who have given their lives in Iraq. 78,000+ and all you could hear was the nervous shuffling of feet and clothes from people fidgeting about. (I teared up.)

Well, to this point I have explained alot, but have left out what perhaps should be the main point of a trip to a football game. Sure it was good to see, but I think that when it all boils down, we walked away after 60 minutes of football with a most regretable performance. I did however stay for the entire game. I fought the urge to which many succumbed and that was to leave early. Nope, I stayed.

Now my arm and hands are sore from all the clapping. I must have clapped more today than we normally do in church.

So Peter Weir's Master and Command the Far Side of the World starring Russell Crowe comes out today. Which brings me to my next point.

People

Why do people have to be so freaking dumb? Seriously, everybody walks around trying to pretend to own this place that we all have to share. I mean, don't get me wrong goofing around is great, I myself enjoy it quite often. But going out of your way to make a joke that makes others uncomfortable, being loud and rambunctious. Whats with it? I mean nobody cares to see that you are comfortable enough with yourself to yell something in the Cafeteria. I dunno thats just me.

Stupid people annoy me and yet I open my eyes and the world is full of them, chock full of them. Grow up people, there is more to life than your own. Think about someone besides yourself.

Then on to other news. Its FRIDAY!!!! How bout that? My favorite day of the week, and there is now a week and a half till thanks giving break, then about 2 or 3 weeks till semester. Hot Dang.

Power to the People.

Do you ever sit down with the express intention of writing something? Something that will be great, could even change the world, ideas bumbling, rambling aimlessly stumbling through your head so fast that it would even make Hans Blitzer's head turn this way or that. You sit down to the low hum, and the bright glow of your computer screen, crack your back, stretch your fingers and place them cautiously on your keyboard. Your brain is pulsing, you hope that everything will come out ok. A brief flash of light and you see yourself standing at a podium, holding a pulitzer prize. The audience is applauding graciously and you cry. Lists of verbs, nouns and dangling particples course through your brain.

"I sure do hope that this comes out right."

and nothing happens.

Tonight is one of those nights for me.

Hello all. I, here at my desk here,(wow that sounds so official) from my dorm in Lincoln, NE. 68508(mmm...there went official) offer you these few words concerning my life.

Yup. Just over a month later and still here "playing" college(quotations, my brother's - Thanks Chris! I love that guy!) I guess as redeemable we find that we are now over halfway through the sememster. Which in my opinion is really phenomenal. It is about this time, and I think that anyone who has ever been a college student would agree, that you begin to look forward to a new semester, some new classes, a fresh shot of life.

Before that, however, we have the holidays. Sure, there is some debate on whether or not the holidays are happy times or not, taking into account a number of factors. But, I think that any college student, the holidays are a wonderful thing. Going home. Now that phrase says alot for a college student. By the time the college kids go home for Christmas, they have lived in a box where that can walk 5 feet in any direction and carry out any number of activities: Turn on the TV and watch Jeopardy, Get in bed and take a nap, open a drawer and comb(or spike, in my case) your hair, get online and check the scores of last nights game or research the effects of the Macabbean revolt on modern civilization. You can open your closet and gaze upon the beauty of all of your worldly possesions crammed delicately into a corner of your room, I hop in bed, which also doubles as my couch and read a book(preferably not a text-book), or my personal favorite, in room activity staring out the window that overlooks the union lawn and observing the activities of other vibrant UNL students.
As you can tell, there are a number of experiences that can be had from the shrinking square feet of a dorm room and the prospect of going home and actually walking to the kitchen, (which is up-stairs!) open up a FULL-SIZE fridge to see what kind of goodies await your consumption(all paid for by Mom and DAD!) Currently, the contents of me and my roommates, "college-size" fridge includes; hmmmm....one jar of Bakers brand grape jelly. I guess that could be useful in the making of a PB&J sandwich, in the event that we had some Peanut Butter and Bread!
Now,speaking of food, going home is a time of festivities, spent with family. Now in the eyes of a college student, seeing all the relatives is a FANTASTIC idea. However, the key point that sticks out is that they are not spending meal-time in the local cafeteria! Dont get me wrong, the local cafeteria is good, its just that you start to look for something new, when you notice fried cat-fish sticks on the menu for the third time in two weeks.

Ok, well thats all I got as far as creative goes. I really wasnt planning on boring yall with that long of an intro, but for some reason those are the words that came crashing out of my brain.

Things her at college are good.(I would use the word great, but I was just reminded that "great" means big, not good.) It is true however, that the longing has set in for a new slate of classes and a new schedule. Not to say, that I have given up on the classes I am in now. I am actually enjoying them quite a bit. But, my mind begins to shift toward the spring semester and all of the new and EXCITING opportunities that it brings.

Well, speaking of exciting. These next few weeks are shaping up to be something to write home about. There is an upcoming performance of A Flea in Her Ear(a french farce) and as a Bottom-of-the-Totem-pole Intro to Theatre Student, I will be doing "light hang"(ie-hanging lights) for that production, taking up two of my upcoming Sundays. From there, I got a VERY small part in a "Directors scene" which is for the senior theatre majors, who are in a directing class, that have to produce a short scene. So I have a few rehersals for that and then an in class performance. Also, for a show called The Blue Room, I am doing run crew. Run crew are those people that dress in all black and run around on stage between scenes doing absolutley nothing. No really, we move props and scenery changes. Also, there is opportunity for me to help out in some regard on a few different film projects that are being done by different film majors around campus. So yeah, should be fun. Other than that, classes, and food, and sleeping, and hanging with friends, and watching JEOPARDY! WHEEEE!

So there you have it. Sorry to cut this email so short, but really I cant think of much else that is exciting enough to keep you awake. I have been visiting some different Churches around the city which has been good. Also, just to lay all of your minds at rest, I as of 2:43pm on Novermber 3rd, 2003 still do not have a girlfriend. I just dont want anyone to worry, hmmm...unless you are my Mom and are highly concerned with timeliness in which I find a girlfriend(I love you Mom!) She wants grandkids. But that may be awhile(see my quote near the end of the page.)

Well thats it. I love you all dearly. Sorry that my communication has been so sparse, I must say in my defense that I have been busy.

peace,

matt

"Girls are confusing."

So, here we are "College!" Been here almost two weeks. How exciting. Really things are everybody. (I say 'everybody' as though there are loads and loads of people reading this.) Anywho, school is good. Classes are good. Cafeteria is really good and yes, I am getting along fine, being away from home and all. As a matter of fact I am enjoying it. I feel that being away is allowing me just enough breathing room. I guess the best way to explain that statement is to say that in most people's lives I have found that there is a point where you just need a bit more room. Some where to go, away from those people that you have grown up with all of your life. I feel that this is it. Not to say that I am becoming or even hope to become a drunken party-going maniac. No, just some room to move about and feel out where and more importantly who, Iam. Outside of classes I am working part time at a coffee shoppe downtown called "Solid Ground" its a good place with some great bagels and even better coffee and lattes. Some killer sandwiches as well. So if you are reading this and live within an hour drive of Lincoln Nebraska. Then please feel free to look it up and give it a try.

Wow! What an experience, and one that none of you, who were not there can experience with me ever, ever again.

Evanescence played the Bob Devaney sports center here in lovely Lincoln. To which I moved last week for anyone who cares(more on that later.) It was great. Blistering bass guitar riffs poignantly punctuated by hard hitting yet melodic guitars and the angelic sound of Amy Lee's voice. The beauty, the mayhem, the chaos all rolled into a nicely appointed hour-size bite. This may just be what the after life tastes like.

"If this is torture, then chain me to the wall." -Tito the dog in Oliver and company

Beautiful. Mid-way through their set Evanescence covered Zero by the Smashing Pumpkins, for those of you 'Matt Harrell-Pop-culture-junkies' then you may just know that the late Pumpkins were also one of my favorite bands in their prime. It was great. Definatley right up there with the Linkin Park show and the other Evanescence show that was attended by me in KC. This show also finds itself in the company of the pleasures of buying a new pair of socks. Cool huh?

The band, hailing from Little Rock, AK. mostly played stuff from their most recent recent sophmoric release on Wind-Up records "Fallen", a few tracks off of their original self-released album "Origins" and also suprised and pleased a few in the crowd with a few of the tracks off of their 99 EP. Another pleasurable point of the show was a few new tracks, hopefully from their upcoming as-of-yet untitiled album. Wow, allow me to break from my stylistic propensity; to end this one song. Amy left the stage and Ben Moody(typically, the guitarist brought out a small drum set-up with two base heads and two smaller snare heads. It was MIND-BLOWING. The pounding of the regular drummer added to the back-up guitarist and the inreasingly powerful bassist, all coupled with the might and power of the added drum. Wow! Thats all that I have to say.

(hey all, ummm....here I go being vulnerable with myself. This is a bit of something that I wrote, it caught my mind late one night and I have played around with it. I like it a bit, although it is not as refined as I would have hoped. It is more or less, fictional, but perhaps a bit allegorical as you can consider my waiting for the 'next step' of life, being college here in a few weeks. So enjoy! Let me know what you think.Please keep your more harsh criticisms to yourself, as I am still learning.)



the waiting room!

The sticky feel of vinyl seats sticks lightly against my skin. The pungent smell of sterile wafts through the door. The worn edges of the over-read 'health' magazine floats lightly in my hand and even lighter in my mind. The muted sounds of the bedraggled mom with the screaming kid barely shakes my stare. The 'clink' from the beads of the toys on the waiting room floor beg my attention no more.

Then the door, the door to the back, the door to the 'promised land' swings open just long enough for a women in white to step out, and as I look at this out-of-focus figure, the words that leave her lips and cross the doors’ threshold barely cross the threshold of my mind. "I dont know those words...they must not be mine, that name must not be mine." Disappointment crowds my head.

I find myself waiting, and for what? I do not know. I have been waiting is all, all I know. I have been waiting for quite some time now, but long enough to have forgotten when I started, when I started waiting that is. Now, at this time, I don’t even know what I have been waiting for, but there is a sense of anticipation. Every time the door opens I feel, "OH, this could be me, please, let it be me!" With each passing click of the door shutting again, with me still waiting, my mind seems to say "Any time now, next time its you. You haven’t been forgotten."

I have filled out all my forms, finished all my paperwork. I have dotted my “I’s” and put the line through the “x.” But still I wait. My insurance forms are completed, but with no real assurance of anything.

The man in the corner, the one with the cane, tells me that it could be a long wait. But his eagerness also pacifies my fear. “Someday, someday soon” I say, “maybe the next one will be for me.” The picture of resilience, the picture of wisdom this man strengthened my resolve to keep waiting. This man, gives me hope. So here it is that I wait, here in this room, this ‘waiting room.’





peace,

matt

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Everyone says to live life without regrets. The only purpose of regret is to help you live a better tommorow.

Five words for you. "Seabiscuit"...............................

Any questions.

Wow, Color me silly! A film that I went to simply because I thought it looked inspiring, and the critics had been raving about. A film, that I didn't expect to expect a whole lot out of. A film that almost made me cry.

Amazing. A film that delves into the indominable will of mankind, and the indominable spirit of a horse that dared to fight.

A film with Tobey Mcguire, Chris Cooper and Jeff Bridges and yes, the ecclectic and beautifully so, William H. Macy. All or most give stunning performances. A film set during and post depression era, looking into the lives of a down and out man or 3 of them rather and a horse. A film that shows you how to get back up after you have been knocked down.

Its a small horse, but it puts up a big fight.

Hello everyone, I guess I realized that it has been a while since I threw down one of those fancy 'update letters.' So with that in mind, I have strapped myself into this chair, right here in front of my computer at 3819 Farnam st. and I have vowed to not get up, till I have sent out an update. So, if you would please buckle up and hang on for what promises to me a exhilarating and melancholy ride.

I guess that it has been about 6 months or so since I last update you guys. Shortly after I moved out, am I right? Well, I think that at that time, I had just gotten the job at the Olive Garden. Since then, I have quit there. I think that I was just starting to tell myself that the restaurant business is not the place for me. After 3 brief stints at the China Buffet, Chili's and the Olive Garden, the inconsistent hours, unpredictable people, inconsistent pay rate and the pouty co-workers, I found myself standing on the outside looking in, wishing I wasnt there at all. So, I put all of my mental prowess together and made my exit. I now work at 'PayPal' of www.paypal.com. Yes, matt has gone "cyber-space" I sit on the computer for 8 hours a day(at an office, not at home) and take care of people and their problems. For those of you who don't know, PayPal is "The world's number one online pay service, we allow anyone with an email address to send money to anyone else with an email address. Its great. A bit of a different company to work for, seeing as how the only product that we market is the information and our service. Its the first company that I have worked for that doesnt have an inventory!

Other than that I have watched a whole bunch of movies since then. Some good, most terrible. Speaking of movies(you may see this as a continuing theme, throughout my life.) But I was an extra in a small omaha based production. Not super exciting, a film called ITK. It is a pretty small, low-budget murder mystery. But you got to start somewhere. I can let y'all know when it comes out on video-tape, if you would so desire. (Speaking of good movies, here my unabashed prop for the movie Amistad, all I have to say is amazing and go watch it, or borrow it from me.)

Other news of not about the past six months. I have jumped out of an airplane twice now. Pretty nuts if you ask me. I mean, the experience of climbing out of an airplane at 3,500 feet is crazy go nuts. I think that the experience would, in a word, be best described as 'intense.' Well, all of that said, I am still, more or less in one piece and I did not pee my pants!

Well, I think that the afore mentioned events, pretty thoroughly sum up the past few months of my life. Although, bowling on wednesday nights will always be a highlight in my mind. If there is anything that I left out, please let me know and I will make up a supplementary update email. So now on to the future.

This fall I will be attending the ostentatious University of Nebraska at Lincoln. WOOooo. Getting out of Omaha in a serious sort of way. While there my major will be Film Studies. So I will probably be watching lots of movies in a serious way. So if you have any recommendations I would be more than interested to hear any or all of them. I will be rooming with my amicable roommate Ivan Lovegren. Such a great guy, so ladies if you are looking to hook up with a good guy, I know his mumber. (just joking he has a girlfriend, but i dont.) So for that, I leave around August the 20th, in case anyone wants to kick it before I go, I might not make it all the way home for a while.

Well, as far as, I go as a person. It has been an interesting six months to say the least. I find myself in a perpetual state of defining myself, re-defining myself and re-undefining myself. I guess we are all in a over-arching search for what Truth is. So with that said, I find myself in wading through the mire of enumerable questions that seem to carry on without end and without answer. However, of one thing I am convinced. If Truth be questioned, and once the dust settles, Truth will still remain standing. (disclaimer: I dont wish to be melodramatic, I do not seek your pity, just letting you know where I am.)

So there we be. My life in the proverbial nutshell, abbreviated.

Any questions?

I love you all. Thanks for being my friends.






peace,

matt

"It is not in knowing that we find but in failing that we seek."

have a great day!

disclaimer; the following post was NOT written with any particular person in mind. whew!

5-4-03




To the girl who looked at me and smiled as I passed you in my car on the interstate the other day,

What happened to what we had? So innocent, so beautiful, so true. The way you looked at me made my heart flutter in my chest. The way that the wind flowed gently through your silky hair, took my breath away. What happened to what we had? The walks we spent together I was sure that I would fly away, I was sure that I would wake up from my dream, but I never seemed to. The way I could stare into your gorgeous-eyes for hours and feel like only a moment had elapsed. What went wrong?

Was it something I said? Did I forget to call or did I seem pre-occupied? Did you lose interest? Did another “Mr. Right” come along? The long talks and walks that we shared; did they become mundane, the well-worn path? Was I just another guy in a long list of heartbreaks or was I just another space, a roll of the dice, in the game of life? Can I trust again or is it not worth the time or the heartbreak? Were you afraid of commitment? Am I?

If we see each other again on this cruel highway of life, please don’t wave, I wont look back. I don’t play those games.

Peace,

matt

top ten components of a scary movie.

10) water
9 ) darkness
8 ) dirt
7 ) flashes of light
6 ) blood
5 ) screams and shreiks
4 ) obscure camera angles and SUPER EXTREME CLOSE-UPS
3 ) shadows
2 ) fire
1 ) Ridiculously cheesy plot

Just some thoughts I had today as I watched yet another preview for another horribly over done horror film about people dying and arms being lopped off and people flying about, in dark and rather shifty looking costumes, with knives and varying other misplaced limbs and grotesquery(sp?) Seriously folks, have you ever thought about how STUPID horror films are? In my oft-overstated opinion, horror films are hollywoods answer to the question of how gullible we are. Lets take for example a few of the most recent blunders.

The Ring. Finally a remake of the japanese horror film about a tape that kills people a week after they watch it. Now thats good drama.
Signs. Allright, I can't dis M. Night Shayamalan, but here we have a film about, a race of aliens who are allergic to water, that are trying to take over a planet that is comprised of 70% water. HMMMM.......(very well done I might add on the films behalf though)
Blair Witch Project. Need I say more? I mean, we never saw anything truly scary, like a ghost, zombie or even the obligatory chain-saw murder. NOTHING. If you ask me the scariest thing about the film, was the female characters most abrasive shreik. Horrible film, why did it get so much critical acclaim?

right on, my memory was jogged. the light. the twinkle, sparked in my mind. These words, these simple words, spoken so softly. So very delicatley. i have heard them before. I gave this book to someone, someone I may not even know. Someone like you. This someone, someone by the name of stephanie. Borrowed this book. This stephanie, had told me that they went to washington. She had also mentioned something about a seat back pocket on this plane. Something about a forgotten book, in a seat back pocket. The light returns. I have heard this before. Are you Stephanie?
Man. Have we met before, whats your name, I dont remember. You see...my memory is not what it used to be.

WOW, like a rock falling from the sky it hit me. I was stunned, there I sat, with my friend, Ivan watching "the terminator" the original, masterpiece starring his majesty Arnold Schwarzenegger. (A beautiful film by the way.) But, the thought that hit me, and epiphony really was "That 'T2' is as good if not better than the original". To really understand the weight, power and signifigance of this statement you would need to realize that I HATE sequals. As a matter of fact I believe the verbatim quote would be, "There are NO sequals that are (the ORIGINAL Star Wars saga aside) as good, or better than the original." Yet still, Within a matter of two minutes I realized my error in this comment, "Terminator 2: judgement day" as well as "Aliens 2," in my opionion can not only compete with their predecessor, but surpass them.

Another good, thought was brought to my attention, "The Godfather 2." But first of all, I have yet to see it and secondly, the revelations made in the first paragraph were enough to keep my head spinning for years. Paradigms are shifting, whole schools of thought are crumbling before my eyes!

No, don't tell me, the Sun really does revolve around the Earth?

The ol' rock and roll concert is where it was tonight, yes sir it was. Thats where the fun was at. The show tonight was at this local place we like to call the ranch bowl. The line up included such heavy metal delights as Pariah, and Nodes of Ranvier (actually a suprisingly good band.) But the main course was Living Sacrifice, a band that has been with us for 13 years, and this was probably about my 13th time seeing them. They were making their "Farewell tour" across America, t'was a good show and good times. But I dont really want to focus on the music, or the bands, or even the sound guy in the back. I want to talk about the kids, the Hardcore kids!

The kids who seem to be so mean, and rough and tough at the show. The ones who seem to be so confused and scared when they're alone. "I am more secure than I am!" "I want to believe something that I am not." I step from behind my door somehow different than I was before. I like the painted facade I have made, scared and alone, I can push the troubles and pains of life away with just one flick of the wrist, its there and I am gone. So cool, so powerful, so in-control. Please dont peek behind my veil.