So, here we are "College!" Been here almost two weeks. How exciting. Really things are everybody. (I say 'everybody' as though there are loads and loads of people reading this.) Anywho, school is good. Classes are good. Cafeteria is really good and yes, I am getting along fine, being away from home and all. As a matter of fact I am enjoying it. I feel that being away is allowing me just enough breathing room. I guess the best way to explain that statement is to say that in most people's lives I have found that there is a point where you just need a bit more room. Some where to go, away from those people that you have grown up with all of your life. I feel that this is it. Not to say that I am becoming or even hope to become a drunken party-going maniac. No, just some room to move about and feel out where and more importantly who, Iam. Outside of classes I am working part time at a coffee shoppe downtown called "Solid Ground" its a good place with some great bagels and even better coffee and lattes. Some killer sandwiches as well. So if you are reading this and live within an hour drive of Lincoln Nebraska. Then please feel free to look it up and give it a try.

Wow! What an experience, and one that none of you, who were not there can experience with me ever, ever again.

Evanescence played the Bob Devaney sports center here in lovely Lincoln. To which I moved last week for anyone who cares(more on that later.) It was great. Blistering bass guitar riffs poignantly punctuated by hard hitting yet melodic guitars and the angelic sound of Amy Lee's voice. The beauty, the mayhem, the chaos all rolled into a nicely appointed hour-size bite. This may just be what the after life tastes like.

"If this is torture, then chain me to the wall." -Tito the dog in Oliver and company

Beautiful. Mid-way through their set Evanescence covered Zero by the Smashing Pumpkins, for those of you 'Matt Harrell-Pop-culture-junkies' then you may just know that the late Pumpkins were also one of my favorite bands in their prime. It was great. Definatley right up there with the Linkin Park show and the other Evanescence show that was attended by me in KC. This show also finds itself in the company of the pleasures of buying a new pair of socks. Cool huh?

The band, hailing from Little Rock, AK. mostly played stuff from their most recent recent sophmoric release on Wind-Up records "Fallen", a few tracks off of their original self-released album "Origins" and also suprised and pleased a few in the crowd with a few of the tracks off of their 99 EP. Another pleasurable point of the show was a few new tracks, hopefully from their upcoming as-of-yet untitiled album. Wow, allow me to break from my stylistic propensity; to end this one song. Amy left the stage and Ben Moody(typically, the guitarist brought out a small drum set-up with two base heads and two smaller snare heads. It was MIND-BLOWING. The pounding of the regular drummer added to the back-up guitarist and the inreasingly powerful bassist, all coupled with the might and power of the added drum. Wow! Thats all that I have to say.

(hey all, ummm....here I go being vulnerable with myself. This is a bit of something that I wrote, it caught my mind late one night and I have played around with it. I like it a bit, although it is not as refined as I would have hoped. It is more or less, fictional, but perhaps a bit allegorical as you can consider my waiting for the 'next step' of life, being college here in a few weeks. So enjoy! Let me know what you think.Please keep your more harsh criticisms to yourself, as I am still learning.)



the waiting room!

The sticky feel of vinyl seats sticks lightly against my skin. The pungent smell of sterile wafts through the door. The worn edges of the over-read 'health' magazine floats lightly in my hand and even lighter in my mind. The muted sounds of the bedraggled mom with the screaming kid barely shakes my stare. The 'clink' from the beads of the toys on the waiting room floor beg my attention no more.

Then the door, the door to the back, the door to the 'promised land' swings open just long enough for a women in white to step out, and as I look at this out-of-focus figure, the words that leave her lips and cross the doors’ threshold barely cross the threshold of my mind. "I dont know those words...they must not be mine, that name must not be mine." Disappointment crowds my head.

I find myself waiting, and for what? I do not know. I have been waiting is all, all I know. I have been waiting for quite some time now, but long enough to have forgotten when I started, when I started waiting that is. Now, at this time, I don’t even know what I have been waiting for, but there is a sense of anticipation. Every time the door opens I feel, "OH, this could be me, please, let it be me!" With each passing click of the door shutting again, with me still waiting, my mind seems to say "Any time now, next time its you. You haven’t been forgotten."

I have filled out all my forms, finished all my paperwork. I have dotted my “I’s” and put the line through the “x.” But still I wait. My insurance forms are completed, but with no real assurance of anything.

The man in the corner, the one with the cane, tells me that it could be a long wait. But his eagerness also pacifies my fear. “Someday, someday soon” I say, “maybe the next one will be for me.” The picture of resilience, the picture of wisdom this man strengthened my resolve to keep waiting. This man, gives me hope. So here it is that I wait, here in this room, this ‘waiting room.’





peace,

matt

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Everyone says to live life without regrets. The only purpose of regret is to help you live a better tommorow.

Five words for you. "Seabiscuit"...............................

Any questions.

Wow, Color me silly! A film that I went to simply because I thought it looked inspiring, and the critics had been raving about. A film, that I didn't expect to expect a whole lot out of. A film that almost made me cry.

Amazing. A film that delves into the indominable will of mankind, and the indominable spirit of a horse that dared to fight.

A film with Tobey Mcguire, Chris Cooper and Jeff Bridges and yes, the ecclectic and beautifully so, William H. Macy. All or most give stunning performances. A film set during and post depression era, looking into the lives of a down and out man or 3 of them rather and a horse. A film that shows you how to get back up after you have been knocked down.

Its a small horse, but it puts up a big fight.

Hello everyone, I guess I realized that it has been a while since I threw down one of those fancy 'update letters.' So with that in mind, I have strapped myself into this chair, right here in front of my computer at 3819 Farnam st. and I have vowed to not get up, till I have sent out an update. So, if you would please buckle up and hang on for what promises to me a exhilarating and melancholy ride.

I guess that it has been about 6 months or so since I last update you guys. Shortly after I moved out, am I right? Well, I think that at that time, I had just gotten the job at the Olive Garden. Since then, I have quit there. I think that I was just starting to tell myself that the restaurant business is not the place for me. After 3 brief stints at the China Buffet, Chili's and the Olive Garden, the inconsistent hours, unpredictable people, inconsistent pay rate and the pouty co-workers, I found myself standing on the outside looking in, wishing I wasnt there at all. So, I put all of my mental prowess together and made my exit. I now work at 'PayPal' of www.paypal.com. Yes, matt has gone "cyber-space" I sit on the computer for 8 hours a day(at an office, not at home) and take care of people and their problems. For those of you who don't know, PayPal is "The world's number one online pay service, we allow anyone with an email address to send money to anyone else with an email address. Its great. A bit of a different company to work for, seeing as how the only product that we market is the information and our service. Its the first company that I have worked for that doesnt have an inventory!

Other than that I have watched a whole bunch of movies since then. Some good, most terrible. Speaking of movies(you may see this as a continuing theme, throughout my life.) But I was an extra in a small omaha based production. Not super exciting, a film called ITK. It is a pretty small, low-budget murder mystery. But you got to start somewhere. I can let y'all know when it comes out on video-tape, if you would so desire. (Speaking of good movies, here my unabashed prop for the movie Amistad, all I have to say is amazing and go watch it, or borrow it from me.)

Other news of not about the past six months. I have jumped out of an airplane twice now. Pretty nuts if you ask me. I mean, the experience of climbing out of an airplane at 3,500 feet is crazy go nuts. I think that the experience would, in a word, be best described as 'intense.' Well, all of that said, I am still, more or less in one piece and I did not pee my pants!

Well, I think that the afore mentioned events, pretty thoroughly sum up the past few months of my life. Although, bowling on wednesday nights will always be a highlight in my mind. If there is anything that I left out, please let me know and I will make up a supplementary update email. So now on to the future.

This fall I will be attending the ostentatious University of Nebraska at Lincoln. WOOooo. Getting out of Omaha in a serious sort of way. While there my major will be Film Studies. So I will probably be watching lots of movies in a serious way. So if you have any recommendations I would be more than interested to hear any or all of them. I will be rooming with my amicable roommate Ivan Lovegren. Such a great guy, so ladies if you are looking to hook up with a good guy, I know his mumber. (just joking he has a girlfriend, but i dont.) So for that, I leave around August the 20th, in case anyone wants to kick it before I go, I might not make it all the way home for a while.

Well, as far as, I go as a person. It has been an interesting six months to say the least. I find myself in a perpetual state of defining myself, re-defining myself and re-undefining myself. I guess we are all in a over-arching search for what Truth is. So with that said, I find myself in wading through the mire of enumerable questions that seem to carry on without end and without answer. However, of one thing I am convinced. If Truth be questioned, and once the dust settles, Truth will still remain standing. (disclaimer: I dont wish to be melodramatic, I do not seek your pity, just letting you know where I am.)

So there we be. My life in the proverbial nutshell, abbreviated.

Any questions?

I love you all. Thanks for being my friends.






peace,

matt

"It is not in knowing that we find but in failing that we seek."

have a great day!

disclaimer; the following post was NOT written with any particular person in mind. whew!

5-4-03




To the girl who looked at me and smiled as I passed you in my car on the interstate the other day,

What happened to what we had? So innocent, so beautiful, so true. The way you looked at me made my heart flutter in my chest. The way that the wind flowed gently through your silky hair, took my breath away. What happened to what we had? The walks we spent together I was sure that I would fly away, I was sure that I would wake up from my dream, but I never seemed to. The way I could stare into your gorgeous-eyes for hours and feel like only a moment had elapsed. What went wrong?

Was it something I said? Did I forget to call or did I seem pre-occupied? Did you lose interest? Did another “Mr. Right” come along? The long talks and walks that we shared; did they become mundane, the well-worn path? Was I just another guy in a long list of heartbreaks or was I just another space, a roll of the dice, in the game of life? Can I trust again or is it not worth the time or the heartbreak? Were you afraid of commitment? Am I?

If we see each other again on this cruel highway of life, please don’t wave, I wont look back. I don’t play those games.

Peace,

matt

top ten components of a scary movie.

10) water
9 ) darkness
8 ) dirt
7 ) flashes of light
6 ) blood
5 ) screams and shreiks
4 ) obscure camera angles and SUPER EXTREME CLOSE-UPS
3 ) shadows
2 ) fire
1 ) Ridiculously cheesy plot

Just some thoughts I had today as I watched yet another preview for another horribly over done horror film about people dying and arms being lopped off and people flying about, in dark and rather shifty looking costumes, with knives and varying other misplaced limbs and grotesquery(sp?) Seriously folks, have you ever thought about how STUPID horror films are? In my oft-overstated opinion, horror films are hollywoods answer to the question of how gullible we are. Lets take for example a few of the most recent blunders.

The Ring. Finally a remake of the japanese horror film about a tape that kills people a week after they watch it. Now thats good drama.
Signs. Allright, I can't dis M. Night Shayamalan, but here we have a film about, a race of aliens who are allergic to water, that are trying to take over a planet that is comprised of 70% water. HMMMM.......(very well done I might add on the films behalf though)
Blair Witch Project. Need I say more? I mean, we never saw anything truly scary, like a ghost, zombie or even the obligatory chain-saw murder. NOTHING. If you ask me the scariest thing about the film, was the female characters most abrasive shreik. Horrible film, why did it get so much critical acclaim?

right on, my memory was jogged. the light. the twinkle, sparked in my mind. These words, these simple words, spoken so softly. So very delicatley. i have heard them before. I gave this book to someone, someone I may not even know. Someone like you. This someone, someone by the name of stephanie. Borrowed this book. This stephanie, had told me that they went to washington. She had also mentioned something about a seat back pocket on this plane. Something about a forgotten book, in a seat back pocket. The light returns. I have heard this before. Are you Stephanie?
Man. Have we met before, whats your name, I dont remember. You see...my memory is not what it used to be.

WOW, like a rock falling from the sky it hit me. I was stunned, there I sat, with my friend, Ivan watching "the terminator" the original, masterpiece starring his majesty Arnold Schwarzenegger. (A beautiful film by the way.) But, the thought that hit me, and epiphony really was "That 'T2' is as good if not better than the original". To really understand the weight, power and signifigance of this statement you would need to realize that I HATE sequals. As a matter of fact I believe the verbatim quote would be, "There are NO sequals that are (the ORIGINAL Star Wars saga aside) as good, or better than the original." Yet still, Within a matter of two minutes I realized my error in this comment, "Terminator 2: judgement day" as well as "Aliens 2," in my opionion can not only compete with their predecessor, but surpass them.

Another good, thought was brought to my attention, "The Godfather 2." But first of all, I have yet to see it and secondly, the revelations made in the first paragraph were enough to keep my head spinning for years. Paradigms are shifting, whole schools of thought are crumbling before my eyes!

No, don't tell me, the Sun really does revolve around the Earth?

The ol' rock and roll concert is where it was tonight, yes sir it was. Thats where the fun was at. The show tonight was at this local place we like to call the ranch bowl. The line up included such heavy metal delights as Pariah, and Nodes of Ranvier (actually a suprisingly good band.) But the main course was Living Sacrifice, a band that has been with us for 13 years, and this was probably about my 13th time seeing them. They were making their "Farewell tour" across America, t'was a good show and good times. But I dont really want to focus on the music, or the bands, or even the sound guy in the back. I want to talk about the kids, the Hardcore kids!

The kids who seem to be so mean, and rough and tough at the show. The ones who seem to be so confused and scared when they're alone. "I am more secure than I am!" "I want to believe something that I am not." I step from behind my door somehow different than I was before. I like the painted facade I have made, scared and alone, I can push the troubles and pains of life away with just one flick of the wrist, its there and I am gone. So cool, so powerful, so in-control. Please dont peek behind my veil.

Saturdays are great, huh? The alarm clock went off around 9:30 this morning, I rolled over, turned it off, and went back to sleep for another hour. Don't get me wrong, I have stuff to do. Quite a bit in fact, I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping, before going over to my brother Nate's house to hang out with him and my parents. Then after the shindig at my brothers it is off to a blisteringly, crazy night at work! But for now, time can wait, I have something more important to do, sleep, what a wonderful word. So after waking up and showering, I really only had time to go grocery shopping. Good old Wal-Mart. That Sam Walton was really on to somehting! I spent over $50 on groceries today, the most to date that I have ever spent on groceries. I guess that my clothes will just have to wait to be cleaned till another day.

the electric green glow of my alarm stared me down from the pedestal on which it sits, the smirk on its face seemed to mock my every toss and turn. For it was 2:32 in the morning and I am still awake. I wish I wasnt but, it doesnt seem that I can do much to remedy that fact at this time. Seems like insomnia. I just want to float away to the place where my dreams lie in wait. A better place where the air is clear and the cotton candy grows on trees and the beer and whiky comes tricklin' down the rocks. That is where I want to be. To pass the time, talk to friends, who else is up at an hour like this. Most likely all of my other friends who dont sleep much, that and a couple of vampires, but they are usually out on the town by now.

Ok, now on to other things. The only other burning topic that comes to mind, is one of a cinematograpic kind. It would seem that in a world of seemingly un-endless absurdities, one film production company felt that it would be worth it to steep more coal on the ever-burning heads of our american society. The date, June 6th 2003, a day that should be blotted from the face of the earth and absolved from the record books. The day that a completely rubbish film is released. 2 Fast 2 Furious. As if the first installment in this series wasnt succesful enough at boring any thinking audience to sleep, the geniuses decide to go in for the kill. I mean, who wouldnt pass up an opportunity to see a police officer gone bad, trash his "souped-up" Honda rice-burner, while tearing around turns at a blazing 40 miles per hour!!!!! DANG!! Serioulsy folks, the cars never top the big four-0. Pretty sad isnt it. I guess if any credit is going to given this movie, it would be that the camera man can sure shake a mean camera for optimum speed appearance! Seriously folks, please dont go see this film. Instead, send any money that you would have spent on the movie directly to me. This will be just as entertaining as the film and you will thank me later.

Now go eat your peas!

Weather, what a wonderful thing.

Do you know that place between awake and asleep, the moments before your brain starts waving? Thats where I seem to spend most of the waking hours of my life.

Shakespeare is stellar, as a matter of fact I am going to Lincoln on Wednesday to see one of my friends perform it. It should be great. If Shakespeare was the only fiction author to ever walk the face of the earth, that would be ok with me.

thats all for now.,

so there it was 9:21pm and the minute-hand on my clock went slow, and slower. Nothing to do. Sitting on my behind. Listening to loud music, but not too loud because there is some sort of meeting going on downstairs in the large 1900's style house that I live in. Craziness. Seems like there are literally millions of opportunitues out there awaiting my entertainment, but because I am a lazy so and so, I dont really want to get up and do stuff. So here I am tired, bored and lonely....yup, here I am.......are you doing anything tonight? maybe we could hang out. Now its 9:25pm.

As some of you may know, (that is if there is anyone out there reading this) I like to watch movies, and today was no exception. So what did I do about this precarious situation? I went and saw a picture flick. The name of tonights feature was "About Scmidt" a film that, in my opinion is a cinematic masterpiece. A film that is truly head and shoulders above the rest of this crap that "Hollywood" puts out these days, I mean lets take a look at a few of our other options this weekend.....Oh boy, the much anticipated "House of a 1000 corpses" debuted(what a weird word) this weekend. Now, I have not seen this film(nor do I intend to) so it might just be THE STANDALONE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME. But I highly doubt it. Rob Zombie, now there is a guy that I would really like to spend some good quality time with(feel the sarcasm.) He truly is one of the most up-standing, models-of-virtue of all time. Who wouldnt want to sit and watch his creative juices flow for a whole 88 minutes. Hmmmm....man I can envision it now, death and dismemberment, closely intertwined with a spine tingling search for a "magical, mythical" character called (drum roll please) "Dr. satan." Wow, not thats art in its most refined form, wonderful. (if you dont believe be about that dr. satan thing check out the synopsis of the film here Truly a film worth not watching!

Or we could take some time and look at the big box office hit from last week, "What a girl wants." Now I could go on and on about this movie but I think that the brief overview of the film does the situation justice;

"Amanda Bynes plays a 19-year-old New York City teen who travels to London to find the father she's never known (Colin Firth), discovering that he's an upper-class socialite. Of course, her crass American-ness causes copious comic fish-out-of-water situations." Wow, lets take a look, "Copious comic-fish-out-of-water situations." Now that has oscar written all over.

OK ok ok, all of that brings us back to "About Scmidt." A film that is as awkward and difficult to watch as the life that it reflects. Jack Nicholson plays a recent retiree, who is caught in what seems to be the later end of a rather doleful life. Truly a life without apparent purpose. This is Alexander Payne's third film, set to the backdrop of the "gorgeous" Omaha, NE. landscape. Which I am probably biased, but oh well. Payne invests in a painstaking process to accentuate the mundane in this film. From the colors and the settings, to the awkward pauses and speeches, to the close-up shot of Schmidt's wife's armpit, all of this to show the regretable nature of the film. A quote from the science-fiction film, "Barbarella" states that "A life without cause is a life without effect." Which is smack dab in the middle of where Warren Schmidt finds himself. If you have not seen this film I would Highly recommend it. It truly is a lost mans search for a purposeful existance. The primal cry of mankind to "know and be known."