The bleary-eyed bleakness of the store rang in my brain. As my head oscillated from shelf to shelf and the squeaky wheels of my shopping cart swiveled from aisle to aisle, the empty display cases gave evidence of the voracious greed that had enveloped the shoppers who had gone before me. The barren shelves reminded me of my own procrastination.

Sure, it was only two days before Christmas when I walked through the automatic sliding glass doors of the Wal-Mart at 180th and West Center, at this point I hadn't even given a thought as to what to by everyone for Christmas.

The first thing that rang in my brain was the slightly older, slightly "oversized" gentleman maneuvering the majorly oversized push-mop through the canyons and entryways of the store. The next thing that seemed out of place about this trip was that the typical "greeter" seemed pre-occupied. The person who was always so friendly, the person with the smiley face stickers seemed to have multiple responsibilities at this time of day. Something was wrong.

You see, as a college student I am ok with saying that I frequent the local area Wal-Mart and as a college-student I would consider myself pretty familiar with the typical Wal-Mart landscape and it would seem that on the evening of this particular visit, something had gone majorly askew. However, throwing caution and confusion to the wind I began to proceed with my shopping. I was tired and as any man would, I just wanted to get done with shopping and go home.

Another thing that was noticed about this visit was the definate lack of people. It was this fact that brought the protagonist of this story a little bit of satisfaction. It was this portion of the story that he had counted on. It was just after midnight when I arrived.

I had gone to a few different stores in the days leading up to this night with the intentions of getting all of my shopping done. However as the slightly shy person that I am, I don't like being around that many people at one time, especially if they are in front of me in line to check out. So in my logical but slightly irrational mind, I devised a plan to attack my shopping at a point where I figured there would be the least amount of people. Thank goodness for 24 hour Wal-Marts!

As I meandered the lifeless aisles seemingly nothing stuck out at me with the tag, sticker or advertisment that said "HELLO MATT, I WOULD MAKE A WONDERFUL GIFT FOR YOUR FAMILY MEMBER!" And as the minutes wore on slowly, the shopping slowly wore on me. I picked up a pair of work out pants for myself and exasperated grabbed a movie for my brother, paid and left the store.

It had been nearly an hour. Frustrated and tired I drove home. With only one gift down, I decided that shopping really does suck and would prefer to never do it again.

The moral of the story however is that the least crowded time to shop, especially at Wal-Mart is between the hours of 1 and 4 in the morning.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!!!!!

I will not have my dreams hampered by reason or logic. Reality perhaps, but I will not suceed that idea before it happens.

"Shoot for the stars"

"The frustrating thing about finals is that they are so.....final."

So here I am, I actually have 2 of my 3 finals done and I have a day off in between todays final in philosophy and my thursday final in my political sciences class, so that is nice. A proverbial cooling of period for my oft-overworked brain. I find myself here, engaging in about as many mind numbing activities as possible, which often goes so far as simply hanging out with some of my friends here on the hall. Not to say that they are all immature, but I want to remind some of them that "THIS IS COLLEGE!" Junior-hi was over more than four years ago, lets grow up. I hope that doesn't come across as pompous on my part, I won't begin to claim that I'am more mature by any point. But when at dinner, humor is the main portion of conversation. I want to ask, are we capable of having a formidable conversation? Maybe I just need some new friends. But I digress. All that to say, I realized today that I am looking forward to being in Omaha, where the logical conversation doesnt grow on trees or even come a' tricklin down the rocks. But at least I dont have to stage a desparate search for logical thought.

Now, where was I? Flappin' my yap about finals, eh? The frustrating part about finals is for the past two nights I have spent probably 8 hours stuffing my cranial region with information that I will wake the next morning to pour out all over the pages of my latest exam. I watch alot of movies, and in watching some older war movies you may notice that when loading and firing a cannon the infantry man loads the ball, then the powder, then they have to pack the powder down with this big-large Q-tip type thing. Ok, now picture my brain as the cannon, and especially for the point of my very dis-jointed story, lets skip to the packing of the powder and picture in your mind that technique of studying(or cramming, as we like to call it here in college.) A few hours of this, a couple hours of sleep, wake up, regurgitate the well digested knowledge onto paper, walk out of the classroom and proceed to never need that information ever again, ever. How pointless is that? Is that really learning? I mean, sure I would love to be able to say that I am actually interested in all of my classes, but to be honest, as any college kid will attest to "Im not interested in all of my classes."

This has been another of "matt's vent sessions" thanks for tuning in and listening.

The "A donde?" of where Iam.

So then yeah guys it is the weekend after dead week and it has been quite some time since I have written.

Just to let you know I plan on using the words propensity, pedantic, menial and docket in this post, so should you need to look those up, I will be taking a brief intermission here to allow you to do so.

(House lights up)

-----

(House lights flicker then go out)

Ok, now where was I? Ah yes, something about "dead week." Now if one were to take a look at the individual words used to express this thought, one is likely to come to the conclusion that it is a week with the characteristics or qualities of being dead. Now personally from the word "dead" I would infer that it would peaceful, relaxing and above all, a time of reflection, right? Hmmm....wrong. ITS BEEN CRAZY!!! Studying and reading and reviewing, seriously folks, I WANT MY MONEY BACK, talk about false advertisement. Boy they should be thankful that I dont have money for a lawyer! To be honest, I think that is why college costs so much, simply so that students can't sue the university over menial items such as this.

Anywho, now that I either have your attention or have lost it forever, we have that out of the way. Now on to my life as it is now. I sit, we all sit teetering on the edge. The edge that I now find myself perched on and peering over is Finals Week. WHEEEE. Well it has been a year since I took my last college final and I find myself kind of at a loss as far as what to expect. I have 3 finals in 3 pedantic "gen-ed" classes only one of them comprensive. Why you care about those details I dont know, but I felt that you should. Anwyho, so that is on the docket for this coming week. So that should be fun.

Other than that, this morning I performed a ten-minute scene for the theatre department, that was alot of fun and kind of a nice refresher course as I lower myself slowly back into the waiting pool that is stage theatre. I plan on auditioning for a couple shows this next semester, so I will keep you all informed on progress of that kind.

Being the Film Nerd that Iam, I have a propensity to watch lots movies and the past and recent weeks have been no exception. Allow me to pass on the commendable and the other of the films that I have watched. I watched James Cameron's The Abyss last night and was amazed, ok, let me expound on that a bit, I cried. I would recomend this movie to anyone. Also a few weeks ago, I watched William Friedkin's The French Connection, a phenomenal look back on what the cat-and-mouse thriller is supposed to look like, with great performances by a young Gene Hackman and Roy Scheider, also of Jaws(another great film by the way.) As far as comedy goes let me throw this out as we sit amidst the Christmas season, Elf with Will Farrell was(in my opinion) hilarious. Not to say that it was a cinematically spectacular film, simply to see it was very entertaining. I also watched Christopher Nolan's Memento this last week and I must say that it is one of my favorite films. So there you go, as I look back on it, I dont think you guys have the stamina to keep up for the number of "non-commendable" movies that I have watched, so maybe we will save that for next time.

Hmm...other than that I dont know. Just hanging out here at college and pretending that I know what I am doing. I am looking forward to being done with finals this next week and should be back in O-town this coming weekend some time. So if you find yourself in that area over break and would like to kick it around town, give me a holler and we can do so.

peace,

matt

"Just because you feel it, doesnt mean its there."
-There, There by Radiohead

Wow! Sometimes all that it takes to get us going is a kick in the butt and tonight I have recieved two. I can honestly say that I just read two of the most inspirational and hope filled writings that I have read in quite some time. Thank you Miss Axne and you Mr. Styles.

I guess, following in the vain of things a couple of quotes come to my mind.

"Everyone thinks of changing society, no one thinks of changhing themselves."
-Leo Tolstoy
"Without a revolutionary theory there can be no revolutionary movement."
-Lenin
and the word Praxis
-Websters collegiate dictionary.

I could stop there and have said all that might need to be said. But frustration pervades and my greed gives way to passion and I vent.

Steph talked in her blog about (as I interpret it) getting up off your butt and getting things done. This has been something of a frustration to myself for many years now. This epidemic of people not taking responsibility and making something of themself has produced a multi-million dollar psychiatrist industry and has made "dr." Laura lots and lots of money. People are sooooo concerned with knowing what the "right" thing to do before they do it that they inherently forget to go do anything. -you can visit her blog at ifiwerequeen.blogspot.com

Jeremy talked in his blog about how we as a "fast food" generation have become proficient at all, but masters of none. We have all this information fed to us and we have no idea what any of it means. We are continually reliant on others to start something.
-you can visit his blog at discipleforlife.blogspot.com

I guess all of that brings me to the word praxis, a lovely word that, as I have found out, very few people understand or know the meaning of. Defined as; "Practice, as distiguished from theory, of an art, science, etc." Praxis, in my mind is doing, now you may ask, how can one do without first thinking. But this is the thing, it should be a symbiotic circle. Many of us get so caught up with acting before we think or getting stuck in a rut of thinking and pondering and theorizing, that we forget to act, completely and totally negating any perpose to the thought at all. Praxis then in my mind has to become the two feet of logical action. Thought...Action...Thought..Action..Thought.Action.ThoughtActionThoughtAction.

We are all sitting around waiting for this world to become this magically better place and I would ask you this. What are we doing about it? Now I do not remove myself from this criticism because God knows that I am probably just as guilty as the worst of us in this area. But if we hedge ourselves in the mire of blame then we still have accomplished nothing. Let us stop waiting for change and merely change ourselves in order to change the world.

"From nothing, nothing comes."
-Stavesacre

Kapeesh?

p.s.- snow sucks

I make no further attempt at trying to explain the nuances of my personality.

I must say, more power to little people!

Seriously, the childrens rock. Today as I was walking across college campus, a place where you typically expect to see more average size people say between 5' and 6'10"(is this tallest I have seen thus far, but this guy is Gargantuanical, a national championship/olympic shot putter.)

But today I was on my way to Philosophy and Current Issues class, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a gaggle 2-3 foot persons! It was awesome. About 20 or 30 of them all holding on to the rope that was held between them. All of them eyes wide as their small feet struggled to keep up with their roaming eyes. I guess they were on some sort of field trip from the local pre-school visiting "Big school" they were being lead around by 3 ladies that barely seemed to know what they were talking about, but who can hold it against them. Some of them had their fingers out stretched as they tried to put words behind the synapsis coursing though their developing minds.

Yeah, a few years from now they will be all grown up and at college themselves probably making the same observations about some kids touring college. But for today it was my turn to enjoy the contrast.

I wanted to warn them all, STAY IN PRESCHOOL. Dont grow up and become wise to the ways of the world. Stay in a place where you can play with blocks and cars.

They said to "play nieve."
"Just pretend like you dont know anything and you'll be fine" They advised.
"Just act dumb and eventually, they will leave you alone."

Well, let me tell you this. The longer you keep that one up. The dumber you begin to feel. Couple this feeling with the fact that I'am at college, the intellectual hub or learning ground of the city. A place where we are supposed to be learning. College, isn't that a step above stupid and a step below living on our own? Ever feel like you are back in kind-e-garten?

Can't we grow up?

If you need an apology, Jeremy Styles most recent blog posted on Wednesday, Nov. 19th, I think should suffice. You can find it at discipleforlife.blogspot.com
He's a great guy.

I have no intention to "...offend with improprieties or obscenities..." Simply seeking for this place to be a better one. Cant we grow up and tell each other like it really is, without succumbing to the wiles and temptations of childhood games like "cooties" and gossip?
(quotes from, The Birth of a Nation.)

In closing, I would like to thank you for taking part in this, yet another one of "Matt''s Rants." More to come, please stay tuned.

p.s.- Wow, in retrospect, I have one more question. Could one be anymore vague in his describing his thoughts on a very specific subject? "....I hope that the answer will make you smile." -to quote my roomate.

KSU@NU

I was a occupant of the 4th largers city in Nebraska today, as a matter of fact, simultaneously I was in the second largest city as well. Crazy. Newton get out your protractior and try to assign a formula to that!

There are alot of things one would expect or at least hope for in their Maiden voyage to Memorial Stadium, and winning is one of them.

So, here's the scoop, noon on a Saturday afternoon, Saturday November 15th, 2003. This cute girl that I know and is a friend of mine instant messeges me. She apparently has decided to go into Omaha for the day in order to pay the family a visit, unfortunatley these actions would leave one Husker Student ticket lonely and in her draw waiting to be thrown away. A devistation, so the offer is put forth, rather the plea put out of whether or not I would like to procure one Husker Football ticket and add my number to the ranks of the 78,000+ on hand today at Memorial Stadium. WOULD I!?! WOULD I?!! (No this is not some cheesy joke about some guy with wooden eyeballs.) So, said ticket is dropped off by about 1 o'clock and I am on my way by almost 1:30. OH BOY!!!

Now, every single Joe Schmoe will blab on and on about "the experience" and I guess I must say, it is something that should be enjoyed on a personal basis. There's alot of people in one stadium in Northern Lincoln on gameday. Lots of people, a veritable throbbing mass, a pulsing collective all bent on Husker Domination, well I guess most in the stadium are. Really and truly, the raw power that can be felt, during the minutes before kickoff as the team takes the field, perhaps even heightened today because it was the seniors last home game. But the Nebraska Fight Song pumps out of the band and the loudspeakers, 78, 000 are on their feet, the anticipation, the noise, the excitement. The blackshirts, the offense the emotion is already thick enough to take flight.

Now, I would actually like to just make out some points that most others may not have observed from an experience of this magnitude. First of all, they say that if you are ever in a swarming mob, just pick up your feet and you will be carried along. Well, there just weren't enough other feet there to carry my feet. To be honest I was dissapointed, and I must have looked like a fool trying to pick up my feet and having nothing happen.

Second, to me it is most amazing how efficient the restrooms can be during half time. There is a line probably 30 feet long outside of the restroom, but amazingly enough that line is continually moving, a steady stream in-going and out-going allike, absolutley amazing. Gotta love the trough.

Thirdly, props to the hot-dog slinger guy. He's great! Although I wasn't a personal recipient of any of his fair today. Many others were and heck, who isnt awed by the sheer power of a contraption that can shoot a frankfurter about 30 yards. WOW! I think they call him "Da Vienter Schlinger" almost like its supposed to be German or something. How inane.

Fourth thing of worth that I noted from the game as well is that these are not just "fans" filling the seats of the stadium. Rather, today I entered an arena of nearly 78,000 people that completely felt like they knew and understood "the game" better than the professionals on the field. Ok, Im not only talking about the coaches. But the guys and gals of the seats near mine apparently, truly believe that they know football better than the coaches, players, referees and any other sort of person that spends 5 days a week practicing. There are some gosh darn smart people in these stands.

The noise, sure its powerful almost deafeningly so at times. But I must say that to me even more impressive than that was the silence. Today Husker Nation paid its regards to the seven men and women from Nebraska who have given their lives in Iraq. 78,000+ and all you could hear was the nervous shuffling of feet and clothes from people fidgeting about. (I teared up.)

Well, to this point I have explained alot, but have left out what perhaps should be the main point of a trip to a football game. Sure it was good to see, but I think that when it all boils down, we walked away after 60 minutes of football with a most regretable performance. I did however stay for the entire game. I fought the urge to which many succumbed and that was to leave early. Nope, I stayed.

Now my arm and hands are sore from all the clapping. I must have clapped more today than we normally do in church.

So Peter Weir's Master and Command the Far Side of the World starring Russell Crowe comes out today. Which brings me to my next point.

People

Why do people have to be so freaking dumb? Seriously, everybody walks around trying to pretend to own this place that we all have to share. I mean, don't get me wrong goofing around is great, I myself enjoy it quite often. But going out of your way to make a joke that makes others uncomfortable, being loud and rambunctious. Whats with it? I mean nobody cares to see that you are comfortable enough with yourself to yell something in the Cafeteria. I dunno thats just me.

Stupid people annoy me and yet I open my eyes and the world is full of them, chock full of them. Grow up people, there is more to life than your own. Think about someone besides yourself.

Then on to other news. Its FRIDAY!!!! How bout that? My favorite day of the week, and there is now a week and a half till thanks giving break, then about 2 or 3 weeks till semester. Hot Dang.

Power to the People.

Do you ever sit down with the express intention of writing something? Something that will be great, could even change the world, ideas bumbling, rambling aimlessly stumbling through your head so fast that it would even make Hans Blitzer's head turn this way or that. You sit down to the low hum, and the bright glow of your computer screen, crack your back, stretch your fingers and place them cautiously on your keyboard. Your brain is pulsing, you hope that everything will come out ok. A brief flash of light and you see yourself standing at a podium, holding a pulitzer prize. The audience is applauding graciously and you cry. Lists of verbs, nouns and dangling particples course through your brain.

"I sure do hope that this comes out right."

and nothing happens.

Tonight is one of those nights for me.

Hello all. I, here at my desk here,(wow that sounds so official) from my dorm in Lincoln, NE. 68508(mmm...there went official) offer you these few words concerning my life.

Yup. Just over a month later and still here "playing" college(quotations, my brother's - Thanks Chris! I love that guy!) I guess as redeemable we find that we are now over halfway through the sememster. Which in my opinion is really phenomenal. It is about this time, and I think that anyone who has ever been a college student would agree, that you begin to look forward to a new semester, some new classes, a fresh shot of life.

Before that, however, we have the holidays. Sure, there is some debate on whether or not the holidays are happy times or not, taking into account a number of factors. But, I think that any college student, the holidays are a wonderful thing. Going home. Now that phrase says alot for a college student. By the time the college kids go home for Christmas, they have lived in a box where that can walk 5 feet in any direction and carry out any number of activities: Turn on the TV and watch Jeopardy, Get in bed and take a nap, open a drawer and comb(or spike, in my case) your hair, get online and check the scores of last nights game or research the effects of the Macabbean revolt on modern civilization. You can open your closet and gaze upon the beauty of all of your worldly possesions crammed delicately into a corner of your room, I hop in bed, which also doubles as my couch and read a book(preferably not a text-book), or my personal favorite, in room activity staring out the window that overlooks the union lawn and observing the activities of other vibrant UNL students.
As you can tell, there are a number of experiences that can be had from the shrinking square feet of a dorm room and the prospect of going home and actually walking to the kitchen, (which is up-stairs!) open up a FULL-SIZE fridge to see what kind of goodies await your consumption(all paid for by Mom and DAD!) Currently, the contents of me and my roommates, "college-size" fridge includes; hmmmm....one jar of Bakers brand grape jelly. I guess that could be useful in the making of a PB&J sandwich, in the event that we had some Peanut Butter and Bread!
Now,speaking of food, going home is a time of festivities, spent with family. Now in the eyes of a college student, seeing all the relatives is a FANTASTIC idea. However, the key point that sticks out is that they are not spending meal-time in the local cafeteria! Dont get me wrong, the local cafeteria is good, its just that you start to look for something new, when you notice fried cat-fish sticks on the menu for the third time in two weeks.

Ok, well thats all I got as far as creative goes. I really wasnt planning on boring yall with that long of an intro, but for some reason those are the words that came crashing out of my brain.

Things her at college are good.(I would use the word great, but I was just reminded that "great" means big, not good.) It is true however, that the longing has set in for a new slate of classes and a new schedule. Not to say, that I have given up on the classes I am in now. I am actually enjoying them quite a bit. But, my mind begins to shift toward the spring semester and all of the new and EXCITING opportunities that it brings.

Well, speaking of exciting. These next few weeks are shaping up to be something to write home about. There is an upcoming performance of A Flea in Her Ear(a french farce) and as a Bottom-of-the-Totem-pole Intro to Theatre Student, I will be doing "light hang"(ie-hanging lights) for that production, taking up two of my upcoming Sundays. From there, I got a VERY small part in a "Directors scene" which is for the senior theatre majors, who are in a directing class, that have to produce a short scene. So I have a few rehersals for that and then an in class performance. Also, for a show called The Blue Room, I am doing run crew. Run crew are those people that dress in all black and run around on stage between scenes doing absolutley nothing. No really, we move props and scenery changes. Also, there is opportunity for me to help out in some regard on a few different film projects that are being done by different film majors around campus. So yeah, should be fun. Other than that, classes, and food, and sleeping, and hanging with friends, and watching JEOPARDY! WHEEEE!

So there you have it. Sorry to cut this email so short, but really I cant think of much else that is exciting enough to keep you awake. I have been visiting some different Churches around the city which has been good. Also, just to lay all of your minds at rest, I as of 2:43pm on Novermber 3rd, 2003 still do not have a girlfriend. I just dont want anyone to worry, hmmm...unless you are my Mom and are highly concerned with timeliness in which I find a girlfriend(I love you Mom!) She wants grandkids. But that may be awhile(see my quote near the end of the page.)

Well thats it. I love you all dearly. Sorry that my communication has been so sparse, I must say in my defense that I have been busy.

peace,

matt

"Girls are confusing."

So, here we are "College!" Been here almost two weeks. How exciting. Really things are everybody. (I say 'everybody' as though there are loads and loads of people reading this.) Anywho, school is good. Classes are good. Cafeteria is really good and yes, I am getting along fine, being away from home and all. As a matter of fact I am enjoying it. I feel that being away is allowing me just enough breathing room. I guess the best way to explain that statement is to say that in most people's lives I have found that there is a point where you just need a bit more room. Some where to go, away from those people that you have grown up with all of your life. I feel that this is it. Not to say that I am becoming or even hope to become a drunken party-going maniac. No, just some room to move about and feel out where and more importantly who, Iam. Outside of classes I am working part time at a coffee shoppe downtown called "Solid Ground" its a good place with some great bagels and even better coffee and lattes. Some killer sandwiches as well. So if you are reading this and live within an hour drive of Lincoln Nebraska. Then please feel free to look it up and give it a try.

Wow! What an experience, and one that none of you, who were not there can experience with me ever, ever again.

Evanescence played the Bob Devaney sports center here in lovely Lincoln. To which I moved last week for anyone who cares(more on that later.) It was great. Blistering bass guitar riffs poignantly punctuated by hard hitting yet melodic guitars and the angelic sound of Amy Lee's voice. The beauty, the mayhem, the chaos all rolled into a nicely appointed hour-size bite. This may just be what the after life tastes like.

"If this is torture, then chain me to the wall." -Tito the dog in Oliver and company

Beautiful. Mid-way through their set Evanescence covered Zero by the Smashing Pumpkins, for those of you 'Matt Harrell-Pop-culture-junkies' then you may just know that the late Pumpkins were also one of my favorite bands in their prime. It was great. Definatley right up there with the Linkin Park show and the other Evanescence show that was attended by me in KC. This show also finds itself in the company of the pleasures of buying a new pair of socks. Cool huh?

The band, hailing from Little Rock, AK. mostly played stuff from their most recent recent sophmoric release on Wind-Up records "Fallen", a few tracks off of their original self-released album "Origins" and also suprised and pleased a few in the crowd with a few of the tracks off of their 99 EP. Another pleasurable point of the show was a few new tracks, hopefully from their upcoming as-of-yet untitiled album. Wow, allow me to break from my stylistic propensity; to end this one song. Amy left the stage and Ben Moody(typically, the guitarist brought out a small drum set-up with two base heads and two smaller snare heads. It was MIND-BLOWING. The pounding of the regular drummer added to the back-up guitarist and the inreasingly powerful bassist, all coupled with the might and power of the added drum. Wow! Thats all that I have to say.

(hey all, ummm....here I go being vulnerable with myself. This is a bit of something that I wrote, it caught my mind late one night and I have played around with it. I like it a bit, although it is not as refined as I would have hoped. It is more or less, fictional, but perhaps a bit allegorical as you can consider my waiting for the 'next step' of life, being college here in a few weeks. So enjoy! Let me know what you think.Please keep your more harsh criticisms to yourself, as I am still learning.)



the waiting room!

The sticky feel of vinyl seats sticks lightly against my skin. The pungent smell of sterile wafts through the door. The worn edges of the over-read 'health' magazine floats lightly in my hand and even lighter in my mind. The muted sounds of the bedraggled mom with the screaming kid barely shakes my stare. The 'clink' from the beads of the toys on the waiting room floor beg my attention no more.

Then the door, the door to the back, the door to the 'promised land' swings open just long enough for a women in white to step out, and as I look at this out-of-focus figure, the words that leave her lips and cross the doors’ threshold barely cross the threshold of my mind. "I dont know those words...they must not be mine, that name must not be mine." Disappointment crowds my head.

I find myself waiting, and for what? I do not know. I have been waiting is all, all I know. I have been waiting for quite some time now, but long enough to have forgotten when I started, when I started waiting that is. Now, at this time, I don’t even know what I have been waiting for, but there is a sense of anticipation. Every time the door opens I feel, "OH, this could be me, please, let it be me!" With each passing click of the door shutting again, with me still waiting, my mind seems to say "Any time now, next time its you. You haven’t been forgotten."

I have filled out all my forms, finished all my paperwork. I have dotted my “I’s” and put the line through the “x.” But still I wait. My insurance forms are completed, but with no real assurance of anything.

The man in the corner, the one with the cane, tells me that it could be a long wait. But his eagerness also pacifies my fear. “Someday, someday soon” I say, “maybe the next one will be for me.” The picture of resilience, the picture of wisdom this man strengthened my resolve to keep waiting. This man, gives me hope. So here it is that I wait, here in this room, this ‘waiting room.’





peace,

matt

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Everyone says to live life without regrets. The only purpose of regret is to help you live a better tommorow.

Five words for you. "Seabiscuit"...............................

Any questions.

Wow, Color me silly! A film that I went to simply because I thought it looked inspiring, and the critics had been raving about. A film, that I didn't expect to expect a whole lot out of. A film that almost made me cry.

Amazing. A film that delves into the indominable will of mankind, and the indominable spirit of a horse that dared to fight.

A film with Tobey Mcguire, Chris Cooper and Jeff Bridges and yes, the ecclectic and beautifully so, William H. Macy. All or most give stunning performances. A film set during and post depression era, looking into the lives of a down and out man or 3 of them rather and a horse. A film that shows you how to get back up after you have been knocked down.

Its a small horse, but it puts up a big fight.

Hello everyone, I guess I realized that it has been a while since I threw down one of those fancy 'update letters.' So with that in mind, I have strapped myself into this chair, right here in front of my computer at 3819 Farnam st. and I have vowed to not get up, till I have sent out an update. So, if you would please buckle up and hang on for what promises to me a exhilarating and melancholy ride.

I guess that it has been about 6 months or so since I last update you guys. Shortly after I moved out, am I right? Well, I think that at that time, I had just gotten the job at the Olive Garden. Since then, I have quit there. I think that I was just starting to tell myself that the restaurant business is not the place for me. After 3 brief stints at the China Buffet, Chili's and the Olive Garden, the inconsistent hours, unpredictable people, inconsistent pay rate and the pouty co-workers, I found myself standing on the outside looking in, wishing I wasnt there at all. So, I put all of my mental prowess together and made my exit. I now work at 'PayPal' of www.paypal.com. Yes, matt has gone "cyber-space" I sit on the computer for 8 hours a day(at an office, not at home) and take care of people and their problems. For those of you who don't know, PayPal is "The world's number one online pay service, we allow anyone with an email address to send money to anyone else with an email address. Its great. A bit of a different company to work for, seeing as how the only product that we market is the information and our service. Its the first company that I have worked for that doesnt have an inventory!

Other than that I have watched a whole bunch of movies since then. Some good, most terrible. Speaking of movies(you may see this as a continuing theme, throughout my life.) But I was an extra in a small omaha based production. Not super exciting, a film called ITK. It is a pretty small, low-budget murder mystery. But you got to start somewhere. I can let y'all know when it comes out on video-tape, if you would so desire. (Speaking of good movies, here my unabashed prop for the movie Amistad, all I have to say is amazing and go watch it, or borrow it from me.)

Other news of not about the past six months. I have jumped out of an airplane twice now. Pretty nuts if you ask me. I mean, the experience of climbing out of an airplane at 3,500 feet is crazy go nuts. I think that the experience would, in a word, be best described as 'intense.' Well, all of that said, I am still, more or less in one piece and I did not pee my pants!

Well, I think that the afore mentioned events, pretty thoroughly sum up the past few months of my life. Although, bowling on wednesday nights will always be a highlight in my mind. If there is anything that I left out, please let me know and I will make up a supplementary update email. So now on to the future.

This fall I will be attending the ostentatious University of Nebraska at Lincoln. WOOooo. Getting out of Omaha in a serious sort of way. While there my major will be Film Studies. So I will probably be watching lots of movies in a serious way. So if you have any recommendations I would be more than interested to hear any or all of them. I will be rooming with my amicable roommate Ivan Lovegren. Such a great guy, so ladies if you are looking to hook up with a good guy, I know his mumber. (just joking he has a girlfriend, but i dont.) So for that, I leave around August the 20th, in case anyone wants to kick it before I go, I might not make it all the way home for a while.

Well, as far as, I go as a person. It has been an interesting six months to say the least. I find myself in a perpetual state of defining myself, re-defining myself and re-undefining myself. I guess we are all in a over-arching search for what Truth is. So with that said, I find myself in wading through the mire of enumerable questions that seem to carry on without end and without answer. However, of one thing I am convinced. If Truth be questioned, and once the dust settles, Truth will still remain standing. (disclaimer: I dont wish to be melodramatic, I do not seek your pity, just letting you know where I am.)

So there we be. My life in the proverbial nutshell, abbreviated.

Any questions?

I love you all. Thanks for being my friends.






peace,

matt

"It is not in knowing that we find but in failing that we seek."

have a great day!

disclaimer; the following post was NOT written with any particular person in mind. whew!

5-4-03




To the girl who looked at me and smiled as I passed you in my car on the interstate the other day,

What happened to what we had? So innocent, so beautiful, so true. The way you looked at me made my heart flutter in my chest. The way that the wind flowed gently through your silky hair, took my breath away. What happened to what we had? The walks we spent together I was sure that I would fly away, I was sure that I would wake up from my dream, but I never seemed to. The way I could stare into your gorgeous-eyes for hours and feel like only a moment had elapsed. What went wrong?

Was it something I said? Did I forget to call or did I seem pre-occupied? Did you lose interest? Did another “Mr. Right” come along? The long talks and walks that we shared; did they become mundane, the well-worn path? Was I just another guy in a long list of heartbreaks or was I just another space, a roll of the dice, in the game of life? Can I trust again or is it not worth the time or the heartbreak? Were you afraid of commitment? Am I?

If we see each other again on this cruel highway of life, please don’t wave, I wont look back. I don’t play those games.

Peace,

matt

top ten components of a scary movie.

10) water
9 ) darkness
8 ) dirt
7 ) flashes of light
6 ) blood
5 ) screams and shreiks
4 ) obscure camera angles and SUPER EXTREME CLOSE-UPS
3 ) shadows
2 ) fire
1 ) Ridiculously cheesy plot

Just some thoughts I had today as I watched yet another preview for another horribly over done horror film about people dying and arms being lopped off and people flying about, in dark and rather shifty looking costumes, with knives and varying other misplaced limbs and grotesquery(sp?) Seriously folks, have you ever thought about how STUPID horror films are? In my oft-overstated opinion, horror films are hollywoods answer to the question of how gullible we are. Lets take for example a few of the most recent blunders.

The Ring. Finally a remake of the japanese horror film about a tape that kills people a week after they watch it. Now thats good drama.
Signs. Allright, I can't dis M. Night Shayamalan, but here we have a film about, a race of aliens who are allergic to water, that are trying to take over a planet that is comprised of 70% water. HMMMM.......(very well done I might add on the films behalf though)
Blair Witch Project. Need I say more? I mean, we never saw anything truly scary, like a ghost, zombie or even the obligatory chain-saw murder. NOTHING. If you ask me the scariest thing about the film, was the female characters most abrasive shreik. Horrible film, why did it get so much critical acclaim?

right on, my memory was jogged. the light. the twinkle, sparked in my mind. These words, these simple words, spoken so softly. So very delicatley. i have heard them before. I gave this book to someone, someone I may not even know. Someone like you. This someone, someone by the name of stephanie. Borrowed this book. This stephanie, had told me that they went to washington. She had also mentioned something about a seat back pocket on this plane. Something about a forgotten book, in a seat back pocket. The light returns. I have heard this before. Are you Stephanie?
Man. Have we met before, whats your name, I dont remember. You see...my memory is not what it used to be.

WOW, like a rock falling from the sky it hit me. I was stunned, there I sat, with my friend, Ivan watching "the terminator" the original, masterpiece starring his majesty Arnold Schwarzenegger. (A beautiful film by the way.) But, the thought that hit me, and epiphony really was "That 'T2' is as good if not better than the original". To really understand the weight, power and signifigance of this statement you would need to realize that I HATE sequals. As a matter of fact I believe the verbatim quote would be, "There are NO sequals that are (the ORIGINAL Star Wars saga aside) as good, or better than the original." Yet still, Within a matter of two minutes I realized my error in this comment, "Terminator 2: judgement day" as well as "Aliens 2," in my opionion can not only compete with their predecessor, but surpass them.

Another good, thought was brought to my attention, "The Godfather 2." But first of all, I have yet to see it and secondly, the revelations made in the first paragraph were enough to keep my head spinning for years. Paradigms are shifting, whole schools of thought are crumbling before my eyes!

No, don't tell me, the Sun really does revolve around the Earth?

The ol' rock and roll concert is where it was tonight, yes sir it was. Thats where the fun was at. The show tonight was at this local place we like to call the ranch bowl. The line up included such heavy metal delights as Pariah, and Nodes of Ranvier (actually a suprisingly good band.) But the main course was Living Sacrifice, a band that has been with us for 13 years, and this was probably about my 13th time seeing them. They were making their "Farewell tour" across America, t'was a good show and good times. But I dont really want to focus on the music, or the bands, or even the sound guy in the back. I want to talk about the kids, the Hardcore kids!

The kids who seem to be so mean, and rough and tough at the show. The ones who seem to be so confused and scared when they're alone. "I am more secure than I am!" "I want to believe something that I am not." I step from behind my door somehow different than I was before. I like the painted facade I have made, scared and alone, I can push the troubles and pains of life away with just one flick of the wrist, its there and I am gone. So cool, so powerful, so in-control. Please dont peek behind my veil.

Saturdays are great, huh? The alarm clock went off around 9:30 this morning, I rolled over, turned it off, and went back to sleep for another hour. Don't get me wrong, I have stuff to do. Quite a bit in fact, I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping, before going over to my brother Nate's house to hang out with him and my parents. Then after the shindig at my brothers it is off to a blisteringly, crazy night at work! But for now, time can wait, I have something more important to do, sleep, what a wonderful word. So after waking up and showering, I really only had time to go grocery shopping. Good old Wal-Mart. That Sam Walton was really on to somehting! I spent over $50 on groceries today, the most to date that I have ever spent on groceries. I guess that my clothes will just have to wait to be cleaned till another day.

the electric green glow of my alarm stared me down from the pedestal on which it sits, the smirk on its face seemed to mock my every toss and turn. For it was 2:32 in the morning and I am still awake. I wish I wasnt but, it doesnt seem that I can do much to remedy that fact at this time. Seems like insomnia. I just want to float away to the place where my dreams lie in wait. A better place where the air is clear and the cotton candy grows on trees and the beer and whiky comes tricklin' down the rocks. That is where I want to be. To pass the time, talk to friends, who else is up at an hour like this. Most likely all of my other friends who dont sleep much, that and a couple of vampires, but they are usually out on the town by now.

Ok, now on to other things. The only other burning topic that comes to mind, is one of a cinematograpic kind. It would seem that in a world of seemingly un-endless absurdities, one film production company felt that it would be worth it to steep more coal on the ever-burning heads of our american society. The date, June 6th 2003, a day that should be blotted from the face of the earth and absolved from the record books. The day that a completely rubbish film is released. 2 Fast 2 Furious. As if the first installment in this series wasnt succesful enough at boring any thinking audience to sleep, the geniuses decide to go in for the kill. I mean, who wouldnt pass up an opportunity to see a police officer gone bad, trash his "souped-up" Honda rice-burner, while tearing around turns at a blazing 40 miles per hour!!!!! DANG!! Serioulsy folks, the cars never top the big four-0. Pretty sad isnt it. I guess if any credit is going to given this movie, it would be that the camera man can sure shake a mean camera for optimum speed appearance! Seriously folks, please dont go see this film. Instead, send any money that you would have spent on the movie directly to me. This will be just as entertaining as the film and you will thank me later.

Now go eat your peas!

Weather, what a wonderful thing.

Do you know that place between awake and asleep, the moments before your brain starts waving? Thats where I seem to spend most of the waking hours of my life.

Shakespeare is stellar, as a matter of fact I am going to Lincoln on Wednesday to see one of my friends perform it. It should be great. If Shakespeare was the only fiction author to ever walk the face of the earth, that would be ok with me.

thats all for now.,

so there it was 9:21pm and the minute-hand on my clock went slow, and slower. Nothing to do. Sitting on my behind. Listening to loud music, but not too loud because there is some sort of meeting going on downstairs in the large 1900's style house that I live in. Craziness. Seems like there are literally millions of opportunitues out there awaiting my entertainment, but because I am a lazy so and so, I dont really want to get up and do stuff. So here I am tired, bored and lonely....yup, here I am.......are you doing anything tonight? maybe we could hang out. Now its 9:25pm.

As some of you may know, (that is if there is anyone out there reading this) I like to watch movies, and today was no exception. So what did I do about this precarious situation? I went and saw a picture flick. The name of tonights feature was "About Scmidt" a film that, in my opinion is a cinematic masterpiece. A film that is truly head and shoulders above the rest of this crap that "Hollywood" puts out these days, I mean lets take a look at a few of our other options this weekend.....Oh boy, the much anticipated "House of a 1000 corpses" debuted(what a weird word) this weekend. Now, I have not seen this film(nor do I intend to) so it might just be THE STANDALONE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME. But I highly doubt it. Rob Zombie, now there is a guy that I would really like to spend some good quality time with(feel the sarcasm.) He truly is one of the most up-standing, models-of-virtue of all time. Who wouldnt want to sit and watch his creative juices flow for a whole 88 minutes. Hmmmm....man I can envision it now, death and dismemberment, closely intertwined with a spine tingling search for a "magical, mythical" character called (drum roll please) "Dr. satan." Wow, not thats art in its most refined form, wonderful. (if you dont believe be about that dr. satan thing check out the synopsis of the film here Truly a film worth not watching!

Or we could take some time and look at the big box office hit from last week, "What a girl wants." Now I could go on and on about this movie but I think that the brief overview of the film does the situation justice;

"Amanda Bynes plays a 19-year-old New York City teen who travels to London to find the father she's never known (Colin Firth), discovering that he's an upper-class socialite. Of course, her crass American-ness causes copious comic fish-out-of-water situations." Wow, lets take a look, "Copious comic-fish-out-of-water situations." Now that has oscar written all over.

OK ok ok, all of that brings us back to "About Scmidt." A film that is as awkward and difficult to watch as the life that it reflects. Jack Nicholson plays a recent retiree, who is caught in what seems to be the later end of a rather doleful life. Truly a life without apparent purpose. This is Alexander Payne's third film, set to the backdrop of the "gorgeous" Omaha, NE. landscape. Which I am probably biased, but oh well. Payne invests in a painstaking process to accentuate the mundane in this film. From the colors and the settings, to the awkward pauses and speeches, to the close-up shot of Schmidt's wife's armpit, all of this to show the regretable nature of the film. A quote from the science-fiction film, "Barbarella" states that "A life without cause is a life without effect." Which is smack dab in the middle of where Warren Schmidt finds himself. If you have not seen this film I would Highly recommend it. It truly is a lost mans search for a purposeful existance. The primal cry of mankind to "know and be known."

So its Sunday morning, my alarm clock goes of with the song "Beautiful day" by U2 playing, excellent! One good sign that its going to be a good day is that this song is playing. Another good sign would be sunshine and little blue birds chirping in the tree near my window, the smell of fresh flowers blooming outside and panckakes and bacon wafting through my door. This morning None of these happened. Snow is falling, my room is cold, FREAKIN COLD, there are dirty dishes in the sink, rent is due and I am about to be late for work. suck! So 20 minutes later, I fly out there door expecting to be chewed out by the managerial nazi's that I work for. A hour and a half, and no tables later. (I work at The olive Garden a rather hoity-toity italian restaurant.) SO, no tables equals no money. SUCK #2 or 7 depending on how you are counting. My day is for the most part ruined. Why can't it just be summer or spring even! I just want to wear shorts. Anywho, since my day is already a bust I may as well hang out with my loser-ish friends. (and if any of my loser-ish friends are reading this then sorry, but they would probably agree with me.)

Hey guys welcome, I guess I dont really know why I started this log, but was bored and knew that it was pretty fun to read others stuff. I might be serious and logical from time to time, I might also be ludicrous and inane at others. Consider this just log of my various thoughts. Have fun.